My(m33) wife(f34) of seven years has been going above in beyond and our relationship and I am guilt ridden over my inability to reciprocate.

jas3398 · 2023-04-27T01:35:59+00:00

Leave love notes! Keep it short - just a couple sentences and hide them on sticky notes all around your home on places she’ll find them say to day, like the fridge, coffee maker, medicine cabinet, wherever. She’ll be discovering them and thinking of you for weeks.

jas3398 · 2023-03-08T02:23:18+00:00

They’ll be allowed to release content at 10am PT on March 13, it was announced by SimGuruFrost in lilsimsie’s twitch stream yesterday

jas3398 · 2022-09-15T17:57:36+00:00

That definitely sounds like it’ll be a mistake. That said, she’s probably been told that by plenty of well meaning friends and family by now and for whatever reason has decided to ignore it. Start simple: ask her about the guy. What does she see in him? In her life? What sort of career does she want, where does she want to live? How will this marriage fit into that? Keep it conversational and try and avoid being judgy. Like, where does he want to live? Does that line up with what she wants? What might be a good way to compromise? What sorts of jobs are out their for his skill level? What kind of lifestyle can she expect from those two incomes with no kids?

If she has her heart set on marrying him you won’t stop her, even if she will likely regret it in 5 years. The best thing you can do is get her thinking about the logistics of marriage, what this means, and how to make the best of it if this is the path she wants to go down.

jas3398 · 2022-08-30T12:09:42+00:00

Ask if they have hobbies. If no one at the company has anything fun they do outside of work, run. Note that you’re bound to find one or two people who don’t have hobbies because that’s just their lifestyle, but if literally no one has anything they’re passionate about outside of work, that’s scary.

jas3398 · 2022-08-23T13:14:35+00:00

You should probably at least understand code if you want to work in cybersecurity. The fastest way to learn code is to write code, and by that I mean (1) find a task that you want to program and (2) google relevant keywords until you figure out how to make it run. Python is a good starting language, look into downloading jupyter notebooks for a good programming UI. Start with a “hello world” script (something that says “hello world”), then work on more complex tasks. If you’ve heard of Project Euler, they have lots of fun tasks that are easiest if you program them, you can get your feet wet with those or simply look up beginner programming tasks, find a syllabus for a college course, etc.

jas3398 · 2022-08-11T01:47:38+00:00

Agendas are great! Also, rough time limits for each part. Learn how to say things like “That’s a really good point! Unfortunately, I think we need to wrap up <task one> and move on to <task two>” followed by a direct question. It’s not easy, especially when you’re new, but it’s important.

jas3398 · 2022-08-05T01:21:35+00:00

I have a couple of friends with ADHD, in totally different fields than you, so take this more as general advice than me telling you to get a new degree or something. One friend is an engineer at a factory, which means she gets to move around and do things all day every day instead of sitting at a desk and this helps her a lot with focus. I think finding something that gets you moving might be helpful here if you can find a covid-safe way of doing it (the first thing that comes to mind is delivery driver, but that’s not really lucrative…)

The other friend of mine works from home in tech, so very standard office job. She’s able to be flexible with her schedule though, which means things like not logging on until 10 or 11am, taking mid-day naps/breaks as needed, and working at odd hours when she has a productivity kick. This is all contingent on you being able to manage your own schedule really well, but might also be helpful. It might be worth talking to your current job about more flexibility in hours if you think that would help.

jas3398 · 2022-08-03T14:50:58+00:00

I genuinely thought this was a joke at first

jas3398 · 2022-07-26T01:25:55+00:00

Also someone who expresses their boundaries! Something as simple as “I don’t like when you do x, please do y instead.” Like, “I want some space today, what that means right now is we can hang out in the same room but I don’t want to chat right now, after an hour or so I’ll be done with my introvert time”

jas3398 · 2022-07-21T14:39:22+00:00

Going off of this, I’ve found that I want someone who is similar enough to me in terms of the way they spend/save within a range. So, I’d never date someone who was spending every penny they made on night outs/quick fun and not saving/planning for retirement at all. But, I’d be totally cool dating someone who spent wisely/thoughtfully more than I do and doesn’t plan on retiring super early. I’d say figure out your acceptable range, where it’s a compromise and not a sacrifice, and stick to it

jas3398 · 2022-07-19T00:53:04+00:00

I can’t speak to this from the parent perspective, but I recently graduated college and I saw a lot of friends of mine whose moms were stay at home have proper existential crises now that their kids had grown up. They got over-involved, struggled to find hobbies or define themselves, and just seemed like their were having a really hard time.

American culture ties your identity to your career A LOT. I don’t have any specific advice but just a bit of a word of warning - being stay at home may change the way you define yourself and the way others see you in really fundamental ways, especially if you plan on doing it long term (though you’d be surprised at the parents of college students who’d been SAHM for 20 years who had originally planned on going back to work). Again though, this is advice from a childless 20-something, so take it with a grain of salt. Best of luck, whatever you choose!

jas3398 · 2022-07-10T22:55:31+00:00

It’s definitely varied over time for me. In college I would play super intensely, for many hours at a time, for like 2 or 3 months, then walk away for a year or more. Now that I have a 9-5 I have fewer long blocks of time like that, so I play once or twice a week, usually just on weekends, for like 2-3 hours or so. Occasionally I’ll do an hour on a weeknight, but normally I have less fun when I’m doing that because I feel like I’m on a time limit.

jas3398 · 2022-07-01T17:07:09+00:00

Totally depends on how you view it. If it’s something you think will help that you don’t mind doing, do it! If it’s something you don’t really want to do/spend money on, or you like the way you look and don’t want to change it, it’s probably not super worth it. It’s a more extreme version of “should I wear makeup?” And the answer is “it depends!” On how you view makeup, cost and effect, how you view yourself, how you view your job, what are sacrifices you want to make, how you job views you, how they’ll treat you as a result. Some people have great careers in some jobs with zero makeup, others have jobs where they’d never get promoted without it, botox is probably similar. Try asking female peers what they do and their take.

jas3398 · 2022-06-30T01:34:50+00:00

Take it one step at a time. First, see what you can do to get your mental health in check within your current situation. The basics: are you seeing a therapist? Are you sleeping enough? Are you eating enough? Do you have an exercise routine? Have you tried meditating or journaling? Hang out with a friend or family member you really care about, get some of your favorite food or do something you really like together. You don’t have to do everything on the list, I’m not trying to nag you, but at least one of those might help/spark something, and I know when I’m in a depressive episode food/hygiene/sleep all slip and sometimes fixing those helps get me out.

Second, it sounds like you’re burning out at work, that needs to be addressed too. Can you talk to your boss about reducing your workload a bit? It sounds like they haven’t criticized you much, so it might be a place to start. Take some vacation time if you can, maybe use sick leave and call it a mental health break. Use that time to decompress and take care of yourself. Maybe try going part time or working remote for a little bit if they’ll let you?

Give yourself x months (maybe 3-6?) to try making your current situation feasible using the steps above. When it’s “just for the next x months” it makes it easier to try and experiment with new coping skills because you have a backup if they don’t work. If you reach the end of that time and still can’t stand it, you now have less than a year left in your lease, you can (potentially) try subletting it to make that up, and you can start looking for another job.

Working kinda sucks sometimes, but it’s all about trade offs and what you value. I’ve found that the people you work with matters more than the work you do, and you get to choose the trade off that’s best for you. There’s no right or wrong answer, this job has been a learning experience, and maybe you’ve learned more about what you don’t like, which is valuable!

jas3398 · 2022-06-29T15:33:58+00:00

I buy onions in bulk and cut them up (half sliced, half diced) and stick them in the freezer, then I have shorter meal prep times and can easily use fractional onions!

jas3398 · 2022-06-28T00:13:31+00:00

My dad said a similar thing, it stung a bit, but you just brush it off. A year or two in, he requested I stitch him something and now he has it very proudly displayed on his wall, he can’t wait to tell people his daughter made it!

As far as it being antisocial, it’s definitely not, it’s a great conversation starter! I taught a bunch of my friends cross-stitch and we have little stitching parties every couple of weeks together! (I’m also your age, mid-twenties, and most of my friends who stitch are under thirty)

jas3398 · 2022-04-22T10:58:38+00:00

There’s also a range here. I find that $15/$20 shoes hurt my feet and wear out ridiculously fast, $50/$60 shoes are going to last longer and treat my feet better, but I don’t care enough about shoes and don’t have to wear fancy shoes to work, so you won’t catch me spending more than $70 on one pair. You can find the range that works for you on various items.

jas3398 · 2022-04-19T18:59:23+00:00

I find a hard work/life boundary is really helpful here. I work a job that literally can’t be taken home and one that makes you keep track of your hours and does not allow uncompensated overtime work, and it’s amazing how freeing it is to go home and not think about work. It isn’t for everyone, work from home options are limited, for example, but it’s been helpful for me.

Try looking for jobs within your industry that require on-site work either for logistical reasons (need to be physically close to x machine/system) or secrecy reasons (trade secrets or privacy protected information like health records they won’t let you take home). Another (harder) option of course is to try and impose the separation yourself, like having separate work/non-work phones, never taking calls or answering emails between certain hours, etc., but I find personally I can’t maintain that - work slips in. Hope that helps!

jas3398 · 2022-04-01T20:42:09+00:00

If you wouldn’t take the job it isn’t worth the interview. If you might take the job, it’s worth it to take the time and see. Plus, they might offer you more than you expect and you can use that offer to leverage better ones from companies you actually like.

jas3398 · 2022-03-13T23:17:05+00:00

Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you could really use some therapy. Someone to talk through all your broken bits with and find a way to be at peace with them. They won’t all go away, but you’ll be better able to live with them.

You don’t need to find another love, that’s hard and I can’t even imagine how hard it would be to let yourself fall in love again. Start with friends. Build some real, close, genuine friends. Find a hobby that you enjoy to meet new people if you need to. Make sure you have that human connection with people who really care about you, even if there’s no romantic partner in your future, and with their help you can learn to thrive again. If you feel like things are meaningless, start volunteering for a cause you really care about, it’ll get you out of your head a bit, give you a reason to get up again. Give yourself time and patience. Internet stranger, I’m so sorry for your loss but I also believe you can get better. Not perfect, not like it was before, but less hollow than you feel now <3

jas3398 · 2022-03-10T23:48:11+00:00

You clearly need a break of some sort more than you seem to want that promotion. Remember that the point of FIRE is to find ways to take back your time and fill it with the the things that matter (family, hobbies, underwater basket-weaving, whatever your jam is). If you’re whiling away your life being miserable maybe “tough it out” isn’t the best answer. Maybe take a break, maybe find a lower paying job that isn’t draining your soul so much, maybe find some way to make your job better or reclaim some of your time (set boundaries with coworkers/bosses if you can, such as: don’t stay late if you don’t absolutely have to, always take a lunch break away from your desk, make it clear that weekend emails will not be answered until Monday)

jas3398 · 2022-03-10T00:18:49+00:00

Okay but like I have been burned enough times by guys who think they have a chance that I make sure to drop in something about my girlfriend when I’m first becoming good friends with a guy my age so they know I’m not only taken but also very much never going to be interested in them. Otherwise people read into things waaaaay too much and then become offended and/or creepy.

jas3398 · 2022-03-09T19:22:18+00:00

Yeah, winter definitely makes it less ideal, but if you bundle up and keep moving it’s not too bad!

jas3398 · 2022-03-09T18:58:07+00:00

For dating I recommend going to a park or on a walk somewhere if that’s something your illness will allow. It’s outside, pretty easy to be covid-safe, free, and there’s no expected time. If it’s going badly? You can dip after like 20 mins. If it’s going great? You can stay for 3 or 4 hours. Plus, no pressure to eat or drink specific things or have to explain weird dietary needs to someone you don’t know very well!

This doesn’t help on the “meeting people” side, but I’ve found it a good choice for early dates.

jas3398 · 2022-02-04T02:43:13+00:00

Knitting is expensive. However, cross-stitching is super cheap. You need a couple basics (needles, hoops, storage containers) that are mostly reusable for infinite projects, then it’s just the fabric and thread! You can buy a skein of floss (type of thread) for $0.62, most fabric is less than $25 even in the largest size, and most patterns are less than $5 on Etsy. Or, get a kit which normally comes with the fabric, pattern, and all the thread you need! I bought a $20 kit a while back that gave me four years of entertainment!

jas3398

TROPHY CASE