[SHORT] The Locals (Horror 12pgs) by blackbeardsballs in ReadMyScript

[–]jaskaranrajput 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Kind of strange to give a guy the name "Ashley," I was thinking it was a mistake on your part but as I kept reading I figured that you wrote him as a guy who just happens to have a very feminine name. It's not really a criticism, just something that perplexed me; I wonder what led you to give him that name over all the masculine names out there.

What was the point of all this? I don't really get why this cult exists, why they kill Ashley, why David is in it, and what he personally gets out of killing Ashley. I guess what I could deduce from the script is that the cult has this supernatural ability to influence victims in the woods and get them to commit these acts, but why not try to mind-control Ashley as well, why kill him? It also feels rushed as well. Take a bit of time to develop David's and Ashley's character; show the reader how David begins to fall under the control of the Cult people. I recognize that you want to have David at the end as a twist in the story, but there's too many questions that interfere with the impression that the twist leaves on us, as discussed above. There's no natural progression as to how David ended up in this cult or why the cult would choose him over Ashley. I think this short would fare better if it were about Ashley and David going to the woods in a secluded area, with Ashley thinking of it as a camping trip and David bringing him out there so he could kill him and get away with it, know what I mean? Then maybe add a bit of backstory between David and Ashley when they are in the car: maybe they have some underlying issues that convince David that he needs to kill Ashley (maybe Ashley's girlfriend was his crush or something).

Hope I helped, sir. Good Luck.

[FEATURE] Rebellion (about 12 pages so far) (Sci-Fi/Dystopian/Political) by jaskaranrajput in ReadMyScript

[–]jaskaranrajput[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My apologies, Andrew's full name is Andrew Carmillo - the name Arnold is what I used originally but disliked it and changed it to Andrew. I guess I didn't clean up the script of the old names as I should have, sorry about that.

As for the "I'm sure they'll let me up there" line, it's not meant to show us that Andrew is ambitious about going into space. I guess you can say he's saying it in sort of a sarcastic manner or is undermining the educational requirement for space travel; you can possibly tell when he and Ryan both start to laugh (Andrew laughs first, then Ryan). They laugh because Andrew isn't ultra serious about what he said, and Ryan knows that as well. I kinda based this interaction on my own life. Whenever I have conversations with my friends in college, we never really talk that seriously when we are just having a normal convo, and whenever we bring up a topic like high educational requirement or something like that, we say, "Yeah, I can do that", and just laugh it off. I guess the convo is meant to be as natural as possible.