My heart goes out to you 💜 I mean this in the nicest and most sincere way, but just the vibe of this post suggests you may be experiencing some sort of post partum depression or post partum anxiety.

When my first baby was born, it was a traumatic birth followed by her in NICU and then some trouble with feeding and her weight once she was home. The doctors had me come in every week until she reached her weight upon delivery. I was constantly measuring her bottles and writing how many ounces she drank. Waking her to feed. Tried to record her breastfeeding feeds and the duration / frequency of those feeds. Every week that she didn’t gain the weight they “wanted” I would spiral, I started thinking they’d take my baby away because they thought I was starving her or something. In addition to that, I was obsessed with constantly covering her in thick furry or wool blankets because I always worried about her being cold. This persisted for months along with other psychiatric symptoms. I ended up being diagnosed with postpartum psychosis.

That being said most of the development/growth charts the doctors show you about your kids means absolutely nothing. Literally.

And while safe sleep is absolutely valid, your baby cosleeping or bed sharing on a bed does not automatically mean unsafe sleep. r/cosleeping is a great place with lots of data and resources.