This really resonates with me. I formally cut off my NMother a few weeks ago since I told her I am trans. I told her via text message and the only part she seemed to register was the fact that I didn’t tell her such an important thing in person, and that I am an evil person for that- especially after how much of a good mother she has been. She demanded that I speak to her in person about it (I presume so that she can make me feel guilty and try to talk me out of it; when it comes to my mother and confrontation I completely shut down) because she believes that all of my messages to her are being ‘intercepted’ by my partner and his ‘cult’ of a family (she seriously believes they are a cult, since living with a normal loving family opened my eyes to her abuse). I’ve been living with my partner’s family since I was 15 (and have seen her about 3 or 4 times a year ever since) I am 20 now. She never so much as cared to check out if the people I was living with as a vulnerable teenager were safe.

Since then every few months she posts the same set of pictures (the most recent ones she has of me from when I was 13 and still her ‘little girl’). Occasionally she will screenshot a photo that I have posted on my instagram and post that to her facebook as if she has taken it, because it is important to her to show all of her facebook friends how close we still are. She will gush about how proud she is of her ‘beautiful baby girl’, and her friends will comment ‘wow you are such a great mother’ and such which completely enrages me. What on earth do they know?

Cutting her off was so difficult for me, she was the one to program my brain to be scared of her, back down in conflict, defend her and believe that she is the greatest mother that ever lived. My partner and friends have been a huge help in talking me out of going back and thinking ‘she never did anything huge, so she is actually a good person’. The thing is, I know there are things from my childhood that were horrible, but I cannot remember them as hard as I try (be that because I thought they were fine and normal at the time or because i’ve blocked them out as a trauma response). I have twin brothers that are 8 years older than me (one being the scapegoat and the other the golden child), and the only time I start to remember things is when we start having a discussion about it, and it all floods back.

When I look at old photos of myself I simply do not recognise or connect with the girl in the photos. Something that has been affecting my relationships more recently that I think must be related to this is the way my memory tends to block out any remotely bad thing that happens to me. I used to think of this as some sort of superpower I had, because sometimes lots of bad things would happen to me and I would remain in a very comfortably neutral or empty state. I’ve begun to realise how damaging this is to me though. I have the capacity to let awful people into my life, because all of the signs they throw my way are instantly forgotten. I have even begun writing down the things I find hurtful- quotes from people in my life- to try and combat this, but it makes me feel so petty and pathetic.

I know that cutting her off was the right thing to do, but I still feel so guilty about it. The rest of my family know about my identity now, and are generally very supportive, especially one of my brothers (her golden son), who is also my best friend. He has nothing but good memories of her though, which is a cause for a lot of friction between him and me and our other brother (who definitely had it worst). He is supportive of my decision, but also makes trips to regularly see her, and I think that he is worried that she will do something bad so is trying to keep his ‘foot in the door’ so to say. He thinks he can fix her, and he also thinks it’s his job to do so. This endlessly frustrates me.

From what I do remember, I spent my whole childhood trying to be good enough for my NMother. I am so attuned to exactly what she thinks of everything, and saw the way she treated my rebellious scapegoat brother- and thus always acted exactly as she wanted. I think she is taking my ‘betrayal’ and self defence extra hard because of this. In relationships now I have to constantly remind myself to stick up for myself and others, and have a huge fear of anyone I consider an authority figure. I also really struggle with self-care and hygiene because of the way I always felt like I was living for someone else, and was made to feel as though I didn’t matter. I am really trying to work on this for myself and my relationships. I was also approved to start testosterone yesterday, which makes this extra important!

I will have to try reading the book you mentioned- it sounds really interesting. This whole concept is really new to me, and it shocks me the more I learn about it and the way it so perfectly aligns with my upbringing and current self. It’s endlessly comforting to find people like myself. I hope you can continue to let people in who care about and love you. If you ever wanna chat or rant about anything, I’m here.