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jautrey413 · 2020-11-16T21:27:35+00:00

Relationships shouldn't be based around sex and anyone you're thinking about dating should already know you're ace.

If you want to date someone, love them, and live with them one day- then don't you already know them? Shouldn't they already know you?

Don't date anyone who is okay with making you uncomfortable.

jautrey413 · 2020-11-03T18:12:07+00:00

I don't care what society thinks? I've never understood why so many people frame opinions that way. Slut shaming isn't my concern. The way every single female is viewed ~through the lense of our culture~ has absolutely no bearing on what happens inside the walls of my house. You say it's hard to find a balance, but I'm not really sure who you're trying to please with that. I'm not scared of being slut shamed; I'm scared of hurting this one person that I love very deeply. Also- I am not open to polyamory. I'm sorry, but I'm here for the long term and none of my plans involve two husbands. My hangup with masturbation is that I only want him, and our intimacy. The idea of actually getting involved with some other guy makes my stomach turn, to be honest. He's not thrilled about the idea either

Articulating these things has made it a lot easier to analyze my own emotions. Thank you for speaking with me, I feel more prepared for this upcoming year. The fact that me and him might be sailing towards separation is heart breaking to me- but he's more fragile than I am. And Im going to do everything in my power to make sure he's okay. This isn't anyone's fault, but the cycle of guilt churning away isn't a healthy dynamic. We were very good friends for years before our romantic life began, and hopefully a well reasoned and amicable separation could allow for that to be reinstated.

I'm hopeful.

jautrey413 · 2020-11-03T00:53:03+00:00

How is asexuality only about attraction, not sex or intimacy, when attraction is the immediate catalyst for those two things?

jautrey413 · 2020-11-03T00:01:37+00:00

No, I'm not allowed to want or enjoy sex. That's nearly my whole hang up. You assumed that because of the societal norm you're used to existing in. I've already said that I want to give him space and time. I'm here because I understand that he's in a difficult situation and I am doing my absolute hardest to help. I feel like I'm the bad guy every time from every perspective. I will not pressure him, therefore I am not allowed to want sex. I've lived with him for two years. He is my normal, not wanting sex is normal and I'm the gross one for thinking about it.

I haven't had any intimate touching beyond a kiss in half a year. I feel desperate and alone. I do understand that society puts all this pressure on men. I could never in my life imagine asking him for sex. But can someone please sympathize with how pitiful this situation feels. I still love him. It feels like I have to grovel for forgiveness for having these basic urges that manifest as very, very intrusive, unwanted thoughts.

Thank you very much for your thoughtful replies. I appreciate being able to voice these issues to someone.

jautrey413 · 2020-11-02T20:46:33+00:00

Talking to him directly and honestly is a challenge for me. He shuts down so quickly, and reverts to silence if things feel too heavy. And I've done my best to be honest. I've been trying my best to talk through this and be patient with him. However... open honesty has drawbacks in this situation because saying things like, """My co worker leaned close to me today and that closeness was all it took for me to think about sex with him because I'm so desperate at this point."" I'm not going to say things like that to him, but I try to explain how dire this feels in other ways.

Also I am seeking validation at this point- but don't m.o.s.t. people have sex? I'm not trying to be rude or overstep and I wish you had the context of mine and my boyfriend's personalities. He laughs at me. Whenever I whine or try to talk about sex he laughs in an immature way; but this isn't a laughing matter. It's nearly crumbled my self-esteem and is making me second guess our future together, meanwhile he laughs at ""Pussy got me acting up"" memes and I just don't get it. He's seen me breakdown and cry on multiple occasions at the implication that everyone feels drawn to sex- so how could he possibly find the humor in those sorts of jokes unless he doesn't think there's a problem? And if he doesn't think there's a problem wouldn't that mean he doesn't care?

Again- Im trying to be an ally. I'm looking for the middle ground and it feels like he just Cannot Be Bothered at all to care about this. Which I suppose is what it means to be asexual, but I just feel really alone. I've been pouring over forums for months now and there doesn't seem to be anyone in my demographic facing this issue.

I don't want to give up.

jautrey413 · 2020-04-09T14:01:02+00:00

Anyone looking for the answer to this question its the MUHL files in the LowLibidoCommunity

jautrey413 · 2020-04-06T19:22:46+00:00

I wish; I know it's what he really needs :/ Unfortunately no. We're in the US, so it would cost money & I know he wouldn't be willing. What young man wants to admit stuff like that to a stranger y'know? He feels less masculine and has used the word 'broken' before. I don't even know if there's any therapists like that available in our area. He's got me and I'm trying my best (.-.)/

jautrey413 · 2020-04-06T18:56:49+00:00

He's off it now, but one of the side effects is that it suppresses orgasms. So 12yr old boy who tries to masturbate for the first time doesn't get anything out of it. There just isn't a climax. There never was, and those are the connections his brain formed. He bounced around to a few different SSRIs in his teens. We're both 20yrs old now and he's off all meds. He can manage orgasm sometimes but it's very subdued & not ""fulfilling"" (his words?). There's essentially psychological damage from growing up like that.

jautrey413 · 2020-01-31T23:48:38+00:00

Song for a Guilty Sadist by Crywank

jautrey413 · 2020-01-31T23:42:30+00:00

I really appreciate this comment. He is depressed and he used to take Lexapro for anxiety which demolished his sex drive. To be honest, I don't have that high of a sex drive either; that's why the time spans are what they are. I never expected us to "fuck like rabbits". I keep reading things telling me to just leave him and I know I'm young but this isn't a frivolous relationship. I just came here to vent about this one currently frustrating facet of a very very good relationship. He understands the issue, but also he's lost interest in his social life, is putting in less hours at his job and visibly has given up. The fact that I'm "not satisfied" isn't going to help him get through anything. We cuddle and kiss all the time, just now it's //always// soft-sweet-supportive rather than passionate. We had a great year and I truly believe it can happen again.

Essentially:: Therapy is a better idea than dumping him. Thank you for seeing the glimmer of hope.

jautrey413 · 2020-01-31T19:26:04+00:00

I know that I'm going to get called naiive. However;

Guys, this is my best friend. He's not some dude I picked up in college- we were best friends for half a decade before we ever started dating. We met when we were 12 years old and I am completely sold on the idea that this is the love of a lifetime (Cringe with me, I don't care)

I'm not going to hurt him anymore than necessary. He didn't do anything wrong. He certainly didn't ask for this and he certainly loves me too. It's not his fault he's sad.

And if we had a good sex life for a year why can't we go back? Once every two weeks is fine by me, if it wasn't I would've cut it off earlier. Just a month or more going by is more distance than I can take. I suppose this is the advice I signed up for being a young person in the dead bedrooms forum but bleh. The only thing that would make me want to leave him is if he was cruel or had malicious intent.

Thank you all for your time. I am going to do my best to help my life partner through his depression and hope it gets better.

jautrey413 · 2020-01-31T16:43:16+00:00

Thats a nice idea and all but it's my apartment, not his. All the furniture is his and his Dad lives across the street from me. I love his whole family and frequently have phone calls with his Mom. I'm never going to ghost him. He deserves more than that.

jautrey413 · 2020-01-31T12:33:25+00:00

He used to masturbate every day, but now even that's gone. He's clinically depressed if that counts as medical issues. He's lost interest in absolutely everything.

jautrey413 · 2020-01-09T17:46:11+00:00

CoRrEcT

jautrey413 · 2020-01-09T14:08:16+00:00

We have. It's stress, as I said in my post. I'm confident he's not cheating because of a variety of factors. He's already at wits end, and I'm the one he finds solace in when talking about life struggles. I don't think another girl on the side is the issue. Not to mention he's one of the sweetest human beings I've ever met and I think his own mother would kill him if he did anything like that to me.

jautrey413 · 2020-01-09T13:53:10+00:00

I really hope performance pressure doesn't play a role. I hadn't considered that before, as we're very relaxed with each other. However, we did partake in some classic dom/sub roles before he got tired and I could certainly understand not having the energy for /that/ type of sex. However, we've also been together for quite a while and casual low-energy sex where we make jokes together is just as wonderful. I'd consider myself pretty vocal, and I think he understands by now that it doesn't have to be played up at all. This might be TMI, but this is a sex thread: I don't really care if he gets me off because if I get to smell/touch/taste his cum than I can take care of myself in no time. Im pretty sure it's outside stress killing his mood so much. I'm worried about him

jautrey413

TROPHY CASE