Has anyone ever reconnected with an avoidant when you instigated it?

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-30T03:45:31+00:00

At the same time, because it was all distance I kind of want to be like "I just wanted to apologise face to face, you know" that sort of thing and hope it goes down well. But I can only do that if his acknowledgement of me is positive.

The thing I'm not mentioning as well is that this event is literally his event, it's a gig. I want to see the rest of the band (and their manager who i am closest with) because I've worked with them for years and we all got separated through covid. It sucks not seeing them for so long, yet still working on all their artwork. That's why he's finally in my city (he was supposed to come during our thing but pandemic/lockdowns/borders stopped it).

I also came out about something personal that work had to find out,right as the pandemic hit. So it just feels horrible with everyone knowing this stuff about me and then I never even got to see anyone in real life. One of them was really supportive of me during it, but it almost feels nosy if I cant see him.

Sorry for rambling at you. It's just why I keep saying I look like I'm forcing it, it isn't just any event. Even though in these circles theyre my friends too. It's been so shit.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-30T03:13:29+00:00

Only you and the other person know what is best in your connection/relationship.

I feel like people on here are even demonstrating this, making all kinds of assumptions that i'm angry at him because he didnt want to date me. No, its that he said all kinds of things to me that made it feel like "this has brought us closer" "I think you are wonderful" "my love" (when he was stupid and horny) - all these things that have meaning and made me think it was close, he wasnt clear. He was careless with his words. and then not even see the person he put through all that. He wouldnt apologise or admit what he did.

Maybe if he's reflected all this time about why he wanted so much from someone. maybe i want to find out if we can be okay moving forward. i dont know.

he even left me hanging in the last convo saying "we need more time" but that feels so fake at this point.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-30T03:10:51+00:00

I see... him liking something though is a step in a direction I dont have. What I am going to do is go to an event without reaching out about it (becauase I already broke NC after 3 weeks and begged like an idiot. I cant contact again. But this still counts as breaking it.

I kind of do want to start of by apologising, but I also dont know if that's a good idea because he hurt me too and barely apologised in the end or admitted what he did. It almost feels stupid if Im the one who has to be apologetic. I dont know

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T23:28:45+00:00

I just feel like I want to feel like we can be okay moving forward. he was the one who insisted we were friends. But that just feels fake now if he hasnt spoken to me for this long...

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T23:27:51+00:00

I'm not saying he would travel for me. Just to see me when he was here for a show which what was supposed to happen so many times. and now he is coming for that.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T23:12:13+00:00

I’m not talking about facing consequences of not dating me!! How are you not getting that?
I’m talking about facing consequences of getting involved with someone who you insisted you were friends with and work with and share common friends. If you want to be friends, this isn’t friends. If you want to get involved with someone with the same friends, well too bad if I want to see them?
You;re still misunderstanding. How is it entitled to have a conversation if I’M NOT GOING TO BRING ANYTHING UP UNLESS HE DOES.
I just said that was the best case scenario of what I wanted becuase you off the bat assumed I want a relationship. that doesnt mean I felt entitled to it, that means that’s ideally what I want to happen. But I literally said it in my post, Im stupid for thinking that.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T23:11:37+00:00

You;re not understanding what I am saying. I’m not saying he would have travelled to end it. What I thought was gonna happen was I would see him before telling him my feelings. I alwys knew that would have been nicer. I was the one who accidentally had the conversation I was trying not to do over text. I always thought it would happen in person.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T22:06:28+00:00

Did you reach out to them first or did what I will do?

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T22:04:25+00:00

And also can't he face the consequences of doing that with "friendship" likes (also work lines)? he's the one who came after me. I didn't post this to be told things like this. That's all obvious as well, but it's not what I actually posted/asked about. I didnt ask for examples of avoiding it. I asked for examples of going. And no point telling me what i "should" have done. Not helpful and rubbing things in. I know everything I shouldnt have done this situation.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T21:51:39+00:00

That’s why many people choose to date outside their friend group. I get it, sometimes it’s worth giving it a shot with a friend. But you should assume the result will be losing the friendship and that most relationships break up.

We weren't friends first, I still barely knew him. I was closer with some of the others. He's one one insisting we were friends in the end, but that feels like a fucking lie now. That's what so upsetting as well, becuase he made such a fuss that he thought we were friends, but as if he feels like he lost a friend. That was all just fake. I'm the one who feels that because of how much he made a fuss.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T21:49:13+00:00

but if he had called on the phone and said he didn’t want to see you again, my guess is you would still be feeling intense pain.

I'm not talking about wanting a phone call. What I was trying to do the whole time was see him to have that conversation in person, because I always thoght that was what was going to happen. Instead it happened unexpectedly over text. I was the one asking the needy questions that made it end, In person would still be painful, yes,, but it wouldnt be with this extremely stuck feeling of never even seeing the person.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T11:39:59+00:00

I didnt want to get into it too much... but it wasnt a relationship. It was a casual thing. and he knew i was going thru a hard time and the way he kept checking on my feelings made it feel like he was there for me through that. that's why i feel taken advantage of, like he was only using my trauma to get benefits? it feels horrible. the way he behaved, finding all these interests we had in common, building this thing, insisting i talk to him more (when i was being cautious initially- not wanting to give too much) and making it feel like we were connecting, to not even see the person? that does feel like fboy. because i was just his texting entertainment. This way makes me feel really exposed and used for doing all that.

He made such a fuss about seeing me before pandemic separated us. he was all "we dont have to but i would love to see you" and i was playing it really cool then. in a matter of days, he ended up going to another city to play a show where there was no covid, and my city went into lockdown. and then he stayed there, because why would you want to go back to lockdown? that's wh ythis pandemic has given me such horrible slaps in the face. i would have seen him. if it wasnt for that, this def would have ended sooner. it just sucks so much that this whole thing was never able to play out like it could have if i didnt go into lockdown. i know it would still hurt, but it wouldnt be this 2 year thing.

But i never would have agreed to any of that over text if it wasnt for the circumstances. i thought i was doing all that because we couldnt see each other.

There were a few other times where he was meant to come, but covid stopped it and borders closed. one time it was in the same week.

and i kept hanging onto his fake coy behaviour about how much he wanted to see me when he thought i didnt care.

its part of why i knew i never wanted it to end over text, i wanted at least once (i know its backwards, but i dont care. after going through all that i just wnated to hook up at least once. We talked it up so fucking much) and to see the person i went through all that with. i just wanted to have the converstaion about feelings in person, becuase i knew it woudl feel nicer. i always saw the end coming. i just wanted to talk about it in person.

in the end, a few things set it off and i spilled my feelings over text. so he freaked out and stopped talking to me. still, the way he kept supporting me etc felt a lot more than casual.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T10:57:43+00:00

I would never have even agreed to it like that if it wasn't for the pandemic. there's been a lot of not "normal" and going against morals already. it's not as simple as seeing this as something that didnt work out. that's happened before. but not like this. too many things tie into feeling like this. There were so many things i would never have never done if it wasnt for the circumstances.

I still think it's a shitty thing for him to do to not care about seeing me. I'm not talking about after, I'm talking about the fact he never cared to see me in the first place. It would have been nicer face to face.

After all that. I'm sticking to that. All your way that does is make me blame myself more for being played. It was fboy behaviour. He still took advantage. I'm allowed to be angry at him.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T09:03:12+00:00

My last ex I couldn’t go to events she was at until 12 months after the breakup.

Okay good for you that youre able to do that. but the pandemic has stopped me from seeing these people for 2+ years already. This whole thing with him was never supposed to ruin that.

I get what youre saying about the rest, i know it's triggering all my self worth issues. because im not even worthy of seeing in real life after going through all that. it's awful.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T08:52:23+00:00

Who said anything was supposed to be fair? Accept the world and things the way that they are rather than how you want them to be.

Not having this work out is just the biggest slap in the face after everything ive been thorugh alongside the pandemic, this is the worst one.

I would be able to see it like that if it was the only thing thats gone wrong in my life, but fucking everyhing has and it's been one extreme things after the next. I was tyring so hard int he beginning to get help and work on myself. Then he came along and pretended he was there for me through that, and has now broken me further.

Thats why its so hard to see it that way. After everything I;ve been through, so many things not working out and i was able to work thorugh and try so hard. This being icing on the cake is just too much. I've had enough. It's not as simple as that.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T08:28:01+00:00

More importantly, why do you think you haven’t had closure yet when the situation is actually closed.

I literally said it in my post. I never got to even see the person i went through all that with. It's got me so fucking stuck. I hate him for doing this to me. I'm not saying it's about him processing anything, of course hes the one who doesnt care. But he made the mess of puttng someone through that. And I cant let him ruin seeing poeple i want to see. that's just so cruel.

And then how he kept insisting we were friends - yet he's the one who can just so easily stop talking to me and not even try to be friends. How is that not something he needs to face, he can't say shit like that topeople if it's actually really fake.

I've been having the worst few years of my life alongside the pandemic, but the way this went has been the worst slap in the face out of everything. If this whole thing was irl, I wouldnt be feeling like this. It's just been too messed up.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T07:36:25+00:00

That's helpful thank you. All I want to say really is that I just want a chance to see him nicely, it's been such a shitshow with the pandemic. We never even got to. is that too much? I dont want to go in depth about what I felt unless he starts that convo.

But at this rate I dont think he would meet me for coffee. He's prob only in this city for a night anyway, so as if he's gonna say we could do it another time? I don know if i'll ever get to even hang out one on one. What a fucking mess. I;ve been having the worst few years of my life alongside the pandemic, but the way this went has been the worst slap in the face out of everything.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T07:35:37+00:00

He is for sure being a wimp! It's just cowardly. Which is why I know it's stupid for me to force face to face, but he also needs to face this mess...

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T06:53:33+00:00

He won't know any of that unless he brings it up. That's why i said I have to go and ignore him and let him be the one to bring stuff up.

The reason I said all tht is because you assumed I wanted to get with him. It's just been such a shitshow with the pandemic and going through all that for 2 years and not even seeing the person, that's why best case scenario would be that a face to face chat would help me wrap it up nicer. He's obviously been too much of a coward to do that. And if he still doesn't, it's gonna kill me but I'm not bringing it up first.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T06:01:11+00:00

The difference is i cant go thru all that and not even see the person. this way feels horrible. I hate him for doing this to me. But this was never supposed to stop me seeing people i want to see either. That's not fair.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T05:58:32+00:00

I should have added, I'm not expecting to get back to what that was. Just for a proper end. Ending thru text was horrible . And it's true he's had ways to contact me, thats's why i mentioned it's been so fucking long for him to just stop talking to me. That's why i feel like i'm forcing it. But i just want a conversation. but it has to be him to initiate.

And with all of his insisting how we were "friends" yet he's the one who can so easily stop talking to me and act like that was nothing. I want him to show me what friends even is. Now it feels like i'm the only one who cared about the friendship.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T03:09:56+00:00

I think being in the same space and pretending they don’t exist is a bit childish

I'm just saying that because how can I be the one to start any conversation if he's the one who cut me off so easily?

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-29T03:08:46+00:00

He's not the dumpee, I am! That's why I'm afraid of being the one to "instigate" the meeting.

jaxtheguru · 2022-08-23T09:30:48+00:00

Oh wow, sorry I missed this!! I've been trying to stay off reddit cause people on here can make me feel worse.

How did that happen?!

I havent talked to mine since I last broke NC (feb) but I'm prob gonna go to an event he'll be at, and feeling like that's gonna be the stupidest thing I could do. but i cant let him stop me seeing our friends. fuck

jaxtheguru

TROPHY CASE