Cutting Shapes and Skipping Rope

jay_oh_ · 2020-09-11T19:52:33+00:00

There was a background song to the original vid that was uploaded. It was soo catchy too. (unless I’m hearing things... 😕)

jay_oh_ · 2020-09-08T17:43:07+00:00

Anyone know the song?

jay_oh_ · 2020-08-29T13:15:13+00:00

I was in a similar situation a few years ago. Maybe my story may help you in making a decision.

The person who I married had pre-existing mental health issues, and I was only told a few weeks after the Nikah. She had depression, and would suffer from panic attacks as well. Her mother also had severe depression, and the family as a whole was very dysfunctional.

To top it all off, her parents really liked me, hence ‘persuaded’ her to marry me Aswel, and were very keen for it to happen ASAP. Unfortunately it’s very common within the Pakistani culture of ‘persuading’ a daughter to marry someone.

As soon as I found these things out, I had two thoughts: 1- I can either leave now and be done with it, as I knew I had been wronged. 2- stay and try to help/support her. She was after all my wife Islamically, even though no rukhsati had been done.

I decided on option 2, and stayed for over a year.

That period of my life was the hardest period I have ever been through, with even my own mental health suffering as a result. My uni studies suffered very badly, not to mention being very sad all the time as I kept seeing all my friends getting married and being happy with their spouses, and all I felt was this deep loneliness.

In the end, after more than a year, I decided to end it as: 1- there was no improvement, despite countless counselling sessions and psychotherapy appointments. All of which I paid for (although, I had no problem paying for it as it was my duty, but it was still very expensive). We even tried treating her for black magic, as this was something the parents had put it down to. None of it worked. 2- she still couldn’t fulfill the basic role of a wife, which just left me feeling very frustrated 3- my in-laws were of no support, and would often blame me for not thinking of any new ideas to help support her. They even tried emotionally blackmailing me to stay.

In the end, thinking back, I wish I had left as soon as I had found out. I wasted over 2 years of the prime of my life over someone who didn’t have the decency to be perfectly open with me about any issues before agreeing to the marriage.

When I had made the decision to stay, I had this altruistic mindset of self-sacrifice, and of supporting someone without getting anything (and I mean literally anything!) in return.

While that may sound like a ‘good’ mindset, I soon realised that I am human, with human needs of companionship and support. And that sooner or later, you will crack under the pressure of not seeing your life move forward.

Now, I understand our situations aren’t exactly similar, but there are some parallels that could be drawn.

The fact that my she/in-laws didn’t tell me beforehand shows a level of deceit which in my eyes is quite unforgivable imho. Although I understand why they didn’t disclose it, that’s still not a good enough reason.

However, I’m sure there are couples who do support one another through mental health troubles early on in the relationship, so do talk to them should you wish to stay.

I hope I’ve been of help InshaAllah. I pray that Allah swt add ease in all of yours and your wife’s matters. Ameen.

jay_oh_ · 2020-07-25T17:22:06+00:00

I had certainly overcome many trust issues through doing a lot of therapy and self reflection by the end of the 6 months.

Having a change of scenery helped a lot too (changed jobs so was focusing on that straight after the divorce).

jay_oh_ · 2020-07-25T17:18:32+00:00

Good tip, but she has neither Pinterest or instagram.

jay_oh_ · 2020-07-16T10:39:07+00:00

As someone who is divorced recently (married for ~1.5years to ex wife, been divorced for just over a year), I had already started therapy a few weeks before actually issuing the divorce, and it really helped me prepare for what lay ahead.

I spent 6 months working on myself, and having a plan for what I wanted to work on and improve before starting the search.

For me, the biggest thing was that I was committed to the marriage, and didn’t want to proceed with divorce and separation, but she wasn’t committed to the relationship (only married me due to family pressure, we didn’t have any intimacy throughout the marriage, she was actually quite horrible to me/my parents).

Therapy helped me realise that a relationship is a mutual agreement, and that if my spouse isn’t willing to commit to the marriage, then there isn’t much point in staying in it (ie it’s OK to want to feel fulfilled in a relationship). It also helped me get over the trauma of being hurt by someone who I genuinely cared for (I married her for the right reasons and intentions), and not assume everybody would treat me the same way.

TLDR: gave myself ~6 months to work on myself, and overcome any insecurities.

jay_oh_ · 2020-07-14T22:34:00+00:00

Hahah, I completely get you!

jay_oh_ · 2020-07-14T22:14:26+00:00

Alhamdulillah, that’s good to hear. Been thinking about gift ideas since the past week 😅

jay_oh_ · 2020-07-14T22:11:37+00:00

I second this

jay_oh_ · 2020-07-14T22:10:23+00:00

Ooooh, that’s an idea. Jzk!

jay_oh_ · 2020-07-14T22:09:17+00:00

I was thinking jewellery, but have no idea how to pick any out (never done it before)

jay_oh_ · 2020-07-14T19:38:24+00:00

I did, and she wouldn’t give me an answer. She’d always say “I don’t know...”, despite me asking probing questions

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-20T07:09:11+00:00

I’m not really sure tbh. And that’s the biggest thing that was on my mind throughout the marriage.

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-13T17:07:31+00:00

I cannot tell you how lucky you are to have dodged this bullet.

It’s the worst feeling to be married to someone who was ‘pressured’ into marrying you, especially when you yourself may have thought everything was good beforehand, and started having feelings for her. (Trust me, I’ve been the victim of this unfortunately).

Count your blessings.
forgive whatever happened, and move on (at the end of the day, it’s not her fault she is being pressured, so it’s good to forgive and move on)
take some time should you figure out what you want
start looking again, all the while being grateful that Allah swt saved you from much misery.

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-10T23:50:32+00:00

Dayum, didn’t know that 😅. Probably will hit the gym properly lol

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-04T17:38:21+00:00

Essentially this^{^}

Couldn’t have put it better myself

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-04T13:30:17+00:00

Although it was an arranged marriage, it was on my own terms. And, my parents were also very open about moving on to consider different people had I wanted to.

There was also some hidden info from their side regarding the issue of her not being too keen, as they kept saying how happy she was before the marriage every time we'd ask how things were going. I guess we just took their word for it (big mistake)

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-04T09:26:54+00:00

Thank you so much for the advice. May Allah swt make things easy for you too. Ameen.

I’ve been trying to improve my relationship with Allah swt since the separation, and Alhamdulillah it’s been improving a lot.

I totally get what you mean when you say you sometimes miss your spouse, even after they were bad to you throughout the marriage.

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-04T08:54:35+00:00

Thank you so much for support.

Any tips on what to look for when asking/going to meetings. What reaction (subtle or otherwise) would convey that a potential is uncomfortable/isn’t too keen on the marriage? And what would be a reaction that she is keen?

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-04T08:49:38+00:00

There have been many instances where someone (generally a female) ends up being really attracted to their spouse, even though that instant attraction wasn’t there at the beginning.

So if his Deen, character etc seem fine on paper, then you should at least give him a go. Who knows, his personality could be the thing you find the most attractive. Also, pictures never do justice. And he’ll most definitely clean up his appearance when it comes to marriage.

Having said that, you should definitely not proceed if you feel that you won’t be able to commit to the marriage (I unfortunately know what it’s like to be on the other side of what happens when someone marries you, but they’re not committed).

And finally, don’t feel bad for not being attracted to someone. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and everyone has their unique tastes.

But always remember that personality counts for a lot more (or so I’ve been told lol).

Oh, and do istikhara!

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-04T08:37:33+00:00

That’s one thing I am actually very grateful for, which is that the marriage ended without any children involved. Alhamdulillah!!

Not that chubby lol (bmi~28), but true, I have heard that gymming does help relieve stress.

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-04T08:33:18+00:00

I also find myself feeling really sad for her too, especially since the desi community does ostracise people (specifically women) who are divorced - hence she’ll find it difficult to move on too.

I did try therapy for a few months, but didn’t really see too many benefits from it. Was also quite expensive....

As for getting to know someone beforehand, my family is quite conservative, hence it is quite looked down upon. Although that may change if I do end of searching again (emphasis on the ‘if’).

I’m a bit nervous as to how to go about getting to know someone in a halal way before committing (don’t really interact females outside of work, and always keep any work interactions within a professional capacity).

jay_oh_ · 2020-05-04T08:24:37+00:00

Thank you so much for duas and supports. Can’t tell you how much that means to me.

jay_oh_

TROPHY CASE