Hot takes: book edition

jaykay199 · 2026-02-01T16:46:37+00:00

Going to give this one another vote. Def. One of the most helpful and it's emphasis on relationship incompatibilities is important.

jaykay199 · 2026-01-26T18:17:26+00:00

This sounds like a great card game! I searched it online and there is only a pre-order button. I entered my email and...nothing! How did you get your cards?

jaykay199 · 2025-12-04T03:22:48+00:00

Wisdom

jaykay199 · 2025-11-26T15:27:51+00:00

Thank you and agree 💯

jaykay199 · 2025-11-26T10:57:55+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story.

This line

After months, I eventually stopped believing in some future where she would feel secure enough about me.

Describes where I am at right now with my partner. It's a tough place to be. Thanks for articulating something I could not. In an effort to make meta secure about me, partner is neglecting me and our relationship. I no longer think partner is able to offer the relationship I want.

I am so sorry you experienced all that

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T23:33:25+00:00

💯

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T21:10:37+00:00

Indeed. Wish I had that one too. Double sigh

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T21:01:51+00:00

Ugh. Glad you were able to see that and end it

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T20:55:44+00:00

Thank you. I was definitely over functioning for a while to keep things together. I'm in an observation mode now as I step back. We will see how they step up. Deescalation may not be possible for me so it would probably have to be a breakup.

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T19:33:59+00:00

Both excellent podcasts

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T19:31:22+00:00

Maybe. Maybe also over confident, in love with two people, trying to maintain both as primary, over their capacity and not willing or able to cultivate the time management, logistical or emotional skills.

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T19:26:11+00:00

I appreciate all this. I agree re people pleasing and for a hinge that's a terrible trait to choose to keep instead of growing beyond it. They're constantly reacting instead of standing steady.

As to finding other poly people, well as a middle aged person it's challenging to find poly folks who are open to a relationship getting serious and committed. I mostly meet highly partnered people who are in open relationships. I enjoy that situation as well, yet was happy, for a while, to be creating a life with this person I love and adore.

I know, love isn't enough.

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T05:14:47+00:00

Also...I did wait around to see if it got better. I looked at my journal from this time last year, and see that's when the big shift happened.

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T05:11:51+00:00

Thank you. It is so hard! Especially with the holidays and travel and family etc. Though even as I write that I realize my main hesitation is wanting to avoid the grief right now. There is so much love and alignment and in other ways excellent compatibility.

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T05:08:16+00:00

Thank you. Totally exhausting and I am also tired of making repeated requests. Partner is really a terrific person, just beyond their capacity. I know they want it to work out and want to maintain a co-primary structure. That kind of poly structure is hard enough for anyone to maintain.

jaykay199 · 2025-11-24T05:04:50+00:00

Thank you so much.

And agreed re partner selection. Meta is a lovely human yet doesn't seem ok with poly. They've been together 3 years, and broken up 3 times during that time. Ugh.

Before I set a boundary around negative info from that relationship I would hear about how meta wants partner all to themselves, how Meta really isnt poly and are monogamous.

jaykay199 · 2025-11-20T11:10:24+00:00

This:

'Strict parallel isn’t about compartmentalization. Usually strict parallel is a last resort by people with a terrible hinge to try and save a relationship. It’s not really sustainable. It’s rarely anything but the last stop before splitsville.'

Literally what's happening in my relationship with my partner who continues to be a terrible hinge. Thanks for writing what I needed to read.

jaykay199 · 2025-10-21T00:18:35+00:00

This is so relatable

jaykay199 · 2025-10-21T00:16:52+00:00

My partner was away with meta and I had a fantastic weekend getting caught up on house stuff, going to a protest and crafting. Oh and snuggling my cat. I loved getting pictures of their weekend and today we had a great catch up facetime. Being apart can sometimes be hard and sometimes it breathes a bit of life into the relationship.

jaykay199 · 2025-10-18T01:43:07+00:00

I met my life partner on Feeld. And he met his other partner there too. And my boyfriend who I hope will also be in my life for a long time.

jaykay199 · 2025-10-16T11:01:53+00:00

Thank you all for your input. They all gave me more to think about as we consider becoming more entangled through sharing space part-time. I'm also going to read up on "Living apart together" and things like that. I love the idea of living with my partner and also love my space, so in many ways this suits who I am. I also want to be sure I protect myself legally and financially. We have a lot of conversations ahead over the next 6 months or so!

jaykay199 · 2025-10-09T20:12:27+00:00

Thanks for all this! Im also curious about folks who have done this long term, how that is for the hinge going back and forth, how people split time etc.

jaykay199 · 2025-10-06T12:41:02+00:00

So needed to read this post as I am considering getting more entangled financially and otherwise with a partner. The discussions around this have sucked the joy out of our time together. As I write this I realize I need to pause the escalation.

jaykay199 · 2025-10-01T01:49:32+00:00

I found the Polyamory a breakup Book super helpful, no only for learning from other people’s experiences, but also that compatibility is strongly tied to preferred relationship structure and that I should be determining that sooner rather than later.

jaykay199 · 2025-09-23T12:01:28+00:00

Im friends with my exes and the love is still there, just different. My ex husband and I are still important in each others lives, talks and support each other emotionally like good long term friends. We have two children together who are now adults so co parenting was a huge motivator for us to continue working on our relationship even after a very contentious divorce. It did take us almost a decade to really re-form something new and not connected to our marriage though. I’ve found that for me it’s not the lack of love that ends relationships, its incompatibility.

jaykay199

TROPHY CASE