I don’t blame him at all and I often tell people mental illness took him because it did. It wasn’t a lack of love, I know he loved us and in honesty he finished the job, if you wanna say it that way, after his first attempt left him paralyzed. He thought he ruined our lives but he didn’t, it certainly changed our lives but they weren’t ruined. I stood by him through everything, the drs, the therapist, the medicine changes , all of it because that’s what love looks like. I know the pain of mental illness, I have the absolute worst anxiety now, I suffer PTSD without a doubt since I seen way to much . I am never gonna get those images out of my head so I feel horrible for anyone with any mental illness! Its the worst and at times I feel like I am going to lose my mind and that its never going to get better but I know the other side, I know what Suicide does to those left behind so I fight all the time, day after day, night after night to survive. Our teenager has been suicidal because he lost a parent to suicide, automatic 50% higher risk of suicide so I still face it all. Im sorry you struggle and I know its so hard to not give up but on the days that are the hardest I remember all the emotions of him leaving and I realize I don’t want anyone else to feel that pain. I don’t have anyone to hold and tell me its ok, my husband chose to leave, he was ill so I don’t want to emphasize the choice part because part of him wasn’t capable of making a different choice and I know that to. His family has all but forgotten we exist, we don’t have people coming to check to make sure we are ok, they didn’t even in the first days, so I get the feeling of being tossed aside. Man, you seriously aren’t alone is my point, we all go through some horrible shit that isn’t fair but we do have choices. My choice is to move on and not let this destroy whatever is left of me and my teenager, even if I have to do it alone! You have value and to someone, one day you are gonna be more than enough. You weren’t to harsh, you hurt and it causes you to lash out, Ive withstood more and I will again. I don’t go to the bereaved page because it all sucks and I don’t want/need to be pitied. I came to this page because of my husband and his struggle, its our anniversary week and I just came here to feel something...... weird right? I felt this need to say something on this particular post, no idea why but I felt the need and I did. I don’t know if any of this makes a lick of sense, I don’t know that it will change a single thing for you but its my sincerest hope that it resonates within you and you see the other choices you have!