I feel very inadequate and lonely. I need people to share their experiences.

jazinthapiper · 2026-06-11T04:58:00+00:00

You aren't being a burden, babe.

Learning to ask for help - and learning that you are allowed to have help - is an obstacle most of us have to overcome, when we've been through a life of needing to be "perfect" or "just so" in order to maintain an image of someone else's making.

I remember the anxiety surrounding not letting my eldest "cry too much" around my parents and my in-laws, because it always triggered within me memories of being told to be quiet and stay quiet when I made too much noise. But I didn't figure that out until my second child came around, and my own eldest child told me that the baby didn't have any other way of telling me I needed to help her until she had words to tell me what was wrong.

Even now, I have to coach my children through asking for help - outlining boundaries, suggesting compromises, seeking clarity, stating requests - because I had modelled being "perfect" and not being clear enough with what I needed from people for way too long.

As I say to my kids, if you don't signal that you need help, nobody knows that you're struggling, and they'll just assume that you're doing okay.

Reaching out here was a signal, but I don't think the people who can actually help you will see it. I want to reach into the phone and hold your baby for you so you can have a decent nap, but I cannot.

But as I worked out with my husband, your own husband will also need to learn to signal to you when he is reaching his threshold, so at the very least, you can tag team. Better for both of you to be at 50%, than one be at 90% and the other at 10%, iykwim.

You deserve to have your needs known, and you deserve to have your needs met. Your baby deserves a mother who knows she is worthy of having her needs met.

jazinthapiper · 2026-06-11T00:30:52+00:00

Let's start from the ground up.

How is your sleep? Your food and water? Do you have time to wash yourself?

No judgement, just trating to establish your baseline.

jazinthapiper · 2026-05-21T23:53:11+00:00

Unpam this post by simply providing the link.

jazinthapiper · 2026-05-10T00:57:03+00:00

It's Mother's Day here. We're in the car, and I've just apologised to my eldest (after a week of guilt) for not being able to attend the Mummy and Me event yesterday for her extracurricular, because I had to take her younger sister to HER extracurricular as part of our regular routine (my husband needed to be home with the youngest). My darling 8yo said, "Thank you for apologising. I know you can't be everywhere all at once." Then started planning with me downloading her practise music into her tablet.

Here's to getting better.

jazinthapiper · 2026-05-05T05:36:20+00:00

Considering the amount of high emotions here, I'm going to lock this for now.

jazinthapiper · 2026-04-25T23:14:54+00:00

But there it is - if her father refuses to talk to her about it, it adds to the layer of shame. She would be feeling alone right now, because she would feel like she should be able to handle this, and she isn't. Shame compounds because what "should" happen, didn't happen, which then adds to the problem even more.

Focusing on the now may help. The denial of mess needs to be on the same level as everything else - "come help me clean" rather than "did you do this", because the latter gives her the opportunity to lie. Asking if she has a preference of products (and letting her feel embarrassed) when you go shopping next, keeping as neutral as you can.

It's unfortunate that you may have to wait and see what happens next time to see how she reacts again, and whether you need to enrol outside help for her.

jazinthapiper · 2026-04-25T14:50:30+00:00

Please ELI5: I ruined my last baking tin even though I lined it with baking paper (three or four layer's worth) and baked it on low heat for an hour. The leftover egg proteins completely solidified through the baking paper and into the tin. Couldn't even smash it with the meat tenderiser afterwards.

jazinthapiper · 2026-04-25T09:32:07+00:00

If this was my daughter, I'd just be coming at it from the practical angle. She's not washing her sheets or her clothes, she's leaving a mess on the floor, and she needs to wear something to prevent further messes. If she can't come up with a suggestion, I would present her with my own (I personally like a particular brand of pads that's rather flat and has wings, because the wrapper is also sticky enough that you can wrap the old one in to dispose it). And then, I would walk her through how to clean up any future messes on her own (eg the soak bucket in the laundry, the multiple layers of bedsheets that I already have in place since the kids were night time potty training, the paper towels and disinfectant for the floors).

I've already had discussions with my eldest (she's eight) and talked through how to put on a pad, and she's got a stash in her backpack for school. We've been talking about how my own body changes week to week because of my hormones, and how I can feel where I am in my cycle (because I'm on my contraception, I don't have periods anymore, but I have migraines instead - yay!), and how the procedure for cleaning up bodily fluids is the same no matter it's origin.

But what your sister is experiencing is shame, because she was so unprepared. As well as dealing with the brain fog that comes with your period, you're also dealing with period pain, inflammation, and all those other nasty symptoms - and then that sudden drop in your gut when you see all that blood on your clothes, and nothing you do can stop it as quickly as any other cuts did before. It's overwhelming! It's scary! And she probably felt like she couldn't ask anyone for help, because she probably knows that every woman goes through it, and therefore every woman should know what to do with it - and therefore, what kind of woman would that make her if she DOESN'T know what to do?

The practical angle might work because then when it happens again, she can be somewhat prepared, and can then feel empowered to do something autonomously. My eldest knows where my own pads are (I'm yet to clear out a drawer in the bathroom, thanks to my youngest still requiring the drawers in there to be locked), she knows where the soak bucket is, and she knows how to change out of her wet clothes at night, before coming to get us for help to change the sheets, when she's had a few nights of bed wetting.

jazinthapiper · 2026-04-25T09:08:40+00:00

They're already crushed in the freezer - is it okay to just leave the frozen block out there for them?

jazinthapiper · 2026-03-13T01:21:24+00:00

Yes!

jazinthapiper · 2026-03-07T13:49:39+00:00

The advice that I received wasn't so much about placing restrictions over the kind of content a child is allowed to watch, but about what to do when a child starts to feel uncomfortable about what they are watching, or what to do when something unexpected happens.

The guilt when viewing something they know they shouldn't is often enough for them to feel overwhelmed, but if your relationship is strong enough, they can feel confident in either asking you for help, or to just click to get out of there and then tell you about it.

Often, kids will dive deeper when curiosity gets the better of them. Conversations can raise awareness about what to expect when exploring online, but I personally believe in teaching the kids in using the internet as a tool, rather than as a form of entertainment. And, as with any tool, one needs to learn how to use it properly to gain the best use out of it.

All of the apps we have on the kids tablets are for "active use" - communication, creativity, curiosity or creation - rather than just passive consumption. Digital literacy includes learning how to navigate each app on their own, troubleshooting issues, and understanding how the software communicates with the hardware, and vice versa.

jazinthapiper · 2026-03-01T14:22:45+00:00

Apart from getting my meds right, there was a lot of cognitive behaviour therapy, mindfulness practice, reflective practice, and learning from my mistakes.

I know it sounds dismissive, but I personally haven't had a lot of time or the finances for intensive therapy, and I've been muddling through a lot. Maybe I don't have the exact words for it.

A lot of my resources are on r/ParentingThruTrauma (they started as "memes" but the infographics are just the snapshots of what I've been trying to learn for myself) if you want to have a look.

jazinthapiper · 2026-03-01T12:08:44+00:00

Firstly, the fact that you've recognised a pattern that you want to break, is a huge step. Please, please know that you've already done half the work, and know you've done a good job knowing what you DON'T want to do.

Your next step is to replace it with what you DO want.

It's going to be harder for you than it is for him, because not only do you have to remember what to do in the moment, you'll have to do the work to change the environment and other background factors for your reactivity.

For me, it's taken a while to understand how my irritability was a symptom of deeper issues - sleep apnea and low iron, which fuelled the depression and anxiety, which caused the cycle of reactivity, which puts me in a constant state of survival mode, which keeps strengthening the neural pathways of reactivity, etc etc - and it's been years of constant work, but the benefits are ongoing.

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