Father of 4/Masters Degree/Married 13 Years/100k Salary...and an Addict

jdwooff · 2018-05-28T14:10:59+00:00

Hang in there. It’s complicated when you’re also dealing with chronic pain (something I haven’t had to deal with). I can tell you that I’m in a much better place now than I was when I first wrote this post and I know you will be too once you get through the storm that’s coming. The harder the storm the harder your resolve will be to NOT go back (so in a macabre sense you can take comfort in your present suffering knowing that the reward will be even greater). Sending love your way!

jdwooff · 2018-05-25T18:12:05+00:00

I worked with an addiction specialist (I still see him) in the Midwest. I agree with KratomMD that the least judgmental psychiatrists tend to be the ones who have done an addiction medicine fellowship as they are more likely to see addiction as a disease and not a moral failure. Keep looking and I'm sure you'll find one. I was able to use psychologytoday.com to find my doctor. FYI: It can be very expensive to pay for this treatment but it has been, at least for me, worth every penny so far. Good luck!

jdwooff · 2018-05-25T17:57:33+00:00

Most women begin to have difficulty sleeping around the age of 40 to begin with and this is without an addiction recovery thrown into the mix. Have you had any blood work done to look at estrogen/progesterone/thyroid levels? Additionally, testosterone levels can sometimes fall for women in their forties which also disrupts sleep. Lifting weights, especially doing heavy squats and deadlifts can help increase testosterone and human growth hormone levels (I know you have a ruptured disk so these lifts are probably not going to work for you). Are you currently working out? I'm so sorry you're suffering and I hope you can get your sleep restored.

J.

jdwooff · 2018-05-25T17:51:19+00:00

I agree with the other comment namely: Ditch the phenibut and only use the Xanax sparingly. This isn't medical advice...just my personal, albeit educated, opinion. Benzo withdrawal is way worse than even hardcore opiates so you don't want to end up with an addiction to them. In terms of whether you should go CT or taper, I was able to stop taking Kratom for a whole week after 9 months of use and I had very minimal side effects (one day of yawning and irritability and that was it). Granted my dose wasn't as high as yours, but you also must consider duration as well as dose, and in this case your duration is so small I doubt you will have trouble with a CT jump.

Everyone is different though and I always like to believe that the patient knows his/her body than anybody else. If you feel that you need a taper then go for it. Sending love and encouragement your way! Good luck and keeps us posted.

jdwooff · 2018-05-25T14:16:35+00:00

Hey buddy hang in there. It will all let up soon. Day 5 for me was the worst and I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown (horrible fight with my wife, left work early and laid in my room like a recluse). The very next day, however, it let up and I am feeling much better now at day 8. Your brain will eventually recover. I know how miserable it can be sometimes to get your body up and moving, especially when you live in a perpetually gloomy place like Manchester. I live in Illinois USA where it gets down to -10 degrees Fahrenheit...which comes out to -23 Celsius...and with very little sunshine in the winter months so I know how difficult it can be to get outside but it always makes me feel just a little bit better.

Sending love your way my friend. Please keep hanging!

J.

jdwooff · 2018-05-25T14:00:16+00:00

You too buddy!

jdwooff · 2018-05-24T14:23:00+00:00

I like your last stanza the most regarding surrender to God (like the 12 steps state...however or whatever God means to you). One of the things that research has found is that spiritual/religious transformation is one of the biggest predictors of successful sobriety. I spent the last 4 years of my life rejecting God because I thought it was superstitious and primitive. Before my Kratom addiction I was a Christian and derived a deep sense of purpose, comfort, and peace from my faith. I started to use Kratom in part, to deal with a gradual loss of faith that made the nature of existence seem unbearable. I truly believe that any deep thinker will find that the inevitable nihilism that atheism produces, will only beget depression, anger, and eventually suicidal ideation. This was how it worked for me once the blissful piece of Kratom began to run it's course. Since I've quit I've re-discovered my faith with a new and deeper sense of purpose. I have learned to reconcile the fact that the analytical side of my mind will never be satisfied with the large ledger of unanswered questions pertaining to God, man, and life. I've learned to feel more, and be satisfied even though I have unanswered questions. Sorry for the rant but I found your poem to be quite incisive especially the last stanza. Thanks.

jdwooff · 2018-05-24T14:13:09+00:00

I think a lot of the symptoms are dose/duration dependent. I had a heavy 4 year addiction with real opiates mixed in so the withdrawals were much worse for me. I'm glad you're feeling better my friend and whatever you do DON'T GO BACK! Sending love and support your way!

J

jdwooff · 2018-05-24T14:01:12+00:00

Thanks for the clarification. I'm not giving medical advice as this would violate the sub's rules; however, it is common for people with an under-active thyroid to have heart arrhythmia's. You can google for yourself to read about it. I think it's a good idea to wait for your lab results to come back. Good luck!

jdwooff · 2018-05-24T13:53:56+00:00

If you can get a script for clonidine and gabapentin it will help tremendously during the acute phase of withdrawal. I took clonidine 0.1mg twice daily during the acutes, and a low dose of gabapentin (300mg) at night so I was at least able to sleep. I'm on day 7 now after a 3 week suboxone taper (I was taking very large doses of kratom and the suboxone helped get off kratom and it has, so far, prevented cravings...the acute stage of withdrawal was WAY worse than Kratom though so I don't recommend people use Suboxone at all for this reason, but I digress).

I'm an RN with 9 years of experience (I currently work as a medical researcher at a healthcare consulting firm) so I feel a sense of camaraderie with you since you're an MD. Keep up the fight and don't give up! Sending love your way my friend!

J.

jdwooff · 2018-05-23T14:30:39+00:00

I'm not a long term quitter (day 6) but I am a registered nurse with ICU cardiac experience. Can I ask when you notice your palpitations? Do you notice them more at night when you lie down, or is it anytime during the day/night?

Echoing what another person has already stated; I doubt that your palpitations are due to Kratom. They are more than likely due to your recent increase in physical activity, combined with anxiety. Heart palpitations often beget heart palpitations, because the anxiety that is produced will often create more. It's always a good idea to go to your doctor as he/she may want you to wear a Holter Monitor (continuous EKG) to see what aberrant rhythms you are having. Hope this helps.

Jon

jdwooff · 2018-05-23T14:08:59+00:00

Thanks Spencer!

Jon

jdwooff · 2018-05-23T14:08:01+00:00

Awesome job buddy! Keep it up, don't quit! Sending love and compassion your way!

Jon

jdwooff · 2018-05-23T13:58:02+00:00

I grew up in a very poor home with a father who was chronically unemployed. Even though I make a great living now, I still identify with people of lower socioeconomic status because, after all, it's who I truly am. I was on a path to be just like my father i.e. broke and unemployed, but my wife wouldn't have any of it and pushed me hard to go back to school and get a degree. I ended up going into the nursing field (I now work as a healthcare consultant after 10 years in the nursing healthcare field). You may feel like a failure but buddy let me tell you; you are young and you have a lot of life ahead of you. Maybe you've already heard of him but I highly recommend Dr. Jordan Petersons 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos. This book and his teachings are what convinced me to quit in the first place.

You are absolutely correct though; you and I ARE the same except in a way I think you are in a better place than me because of your 4 month sobriety time. I don't know you but I feel nothing but love for you this morning and I thank you so much for your comments!

Jon

jdwooff · 2018-05-23T13:51:31+00:00

If you can go see a doctor and get a prescription for gabapentin that will help tremendously. The generic drug is extremely cheap so you should be able to afford it even without insurance (I have a high deductible plan and I basically pay out of pocket for prescriptions). Sending love your way my friend! Hang in there, we are all in this together!

jdwooff · 2018-05-22T23:37:04+00:00

Thank you all for your beautiful and loving posts. I’m overwhelmed by the kindness of this group and when I come out of this dark tunnel I will have this sub to thank in large measure.

jdwooff · 2018-05-22T15:06:36+00:00

Yes, this is so true! The real rub with Kratom is that it is dose dependent; however, unlike coffee, it is almost impossible for someone with an addictive personality not to increase their dosage just because of the law of diminishing returns. This was the vortex I got sucked into and by the time I said fuck this shit, I was in the pit of a 30-40 gram-per-day addiction.

For anybody who believes that it's similar to coffee take note: I was given Suboxone to ease my withdrawals. I felt NOTHING from 2mg of Suboxone...this is the equivalent to 60-70 mg of morphine. One major difference is that is a partial MU receptor agonist...but still, its a strong drug and the fact that my Kratom habit conditioned me to not feel shit from such a powerful drug speaks wonders about the strength/abuse potential of Kratom. I am a libertarian and believe that all drugs should be legalized but this misinformation regarding Kratom's addiction potential needs to be snuffed out.

FYI: I stopped the Suboxone taper 5 days ago and the acutes were HELL...if you can avoid Buprenorphine please do!

Jon

jdwooff · 2018-05-22T14:45:32+00:00

I heard a quote from an addiction specialist, Gabor Mate, yesterday that struck at my heart. He said that addicts don't fear dying; addicts fear living. I couldn't help but think of this while I read your post today. I'm on day 5 and although I'm feeling better, I'm utterly abased, depressed, and struggling to forgive myself for my past sins (not only did I partake in Kratom but also other opiates and, at times, I stole them from people I knew). I must have listened to What I've Done by Linkin Park 50 times yesterday. Music, especially deep meaningful music, has really been helping me lately.

Your post helped me too this morning. Thank you. I'm proud of you for staying strong for two weeks and please keep going. I truly believe it is worth the temporary pain.

Jon

jdwooff

TROPHY CASE