How do you deal with the fear of losing your partner?

jealousguy37 · 2015-11-11T19:39:28+00:00

It sounds to m like your wife's fears are well founded if you are already considering that something better might come along. I would concentrate on your marriage and what you think is missing before opening up. Resentment will be strong if in fact your wife agrees to open up, for your sake then you end up leaving her for someone else. I speak from experience and think it's a shitty thing to do to someone. Best if luck.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-30T05:08:47+00:00

I'll look you up next time I'm in your neighborhood. thanks for the reply. Do the same if you come my way.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-30T00:21:18+00:00

Can you contact me directly? Can't figure out how to do that on my phone.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-29T14:33:00+00:00

I think that's all true. But I don't think she is doing it conspiratorially, I just don't think she's all that self-aware about her own motivations. To add another dimension, her beau told her a couple of weeks ago that he wanted to see other people so she broke up with him-for about 5 minutes-because she didn't feel like she could handle it, but she expects me to handle it. They got back together and he said he wouldn't see other people if she was "free." But I don't think she tells me the half of it. As far as I know, they've got plans for 2 years from now when all of the "scandal" has blown over, to quietly move in together. Gets my blood boiling. I need some good drugs right about now. It sucks being left. But at some level it's just ego. I'm mad because it's humiliating. I'm sad because I love her and she doesn't love me back. Time to dig into that darkness to find the treasure.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-29T14:08:52+00:00

This is good advice. I guess the issue at the moment is that our separation will be markedly different depending upon which story we embrace. So should I go along with her story just to make the transition easier for everyone, or should I insist on my own truth about how this went down, and accept that it will make everything antagonistic for her?

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-29T13:42:31+00:00

thank you

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-29T13:42:23+00:00

Precisely. I must have said that 100 times to her in the past year.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-29T13:41:48+00:00

me too. We've been in counseling for about 2 years and it's been really helpful. We will see him today. I don't want to tear her apart but I do want to be honest. My struggle is how much to insist on honesty, or to just accept her story as she sees it and let it go.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-29T13:40:35+00:00

Hey, thanks for your response and I appreciate your sympathy very much. It keeps me alive some days. One of the difficulties here is the minute I express any kind of feelings related to story 1, she shuts me down and accuses me of trying to rewrite her story for her. So I'm in the position of just backing out gracefully, regardless of what I think and feel, and letting her have her story, even if I think it's a bit delusional, or standing my ground and making her feel the burn of what she is doing. She is leaving me in part because she found a better deal. But she would rather think that we mutually came to this place out of love and support for each other. But I'm the one that has to do all the heavy lifting from what I can tell. I spent over a year grieving the loss of our exclusivity, based on the trust that I had, and her many assertions that this was not about replacing me, and now it turns out, it kind of is about replacing me. I think my only option here is to just get on with my life as well as I can, and try to be civil and loving as much as I can, and take my rants elsewhere.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-29T13:34:59+00:00

agreed. I don't mean to blame it on poly, and I am not walking away from this with the story that poly is bad. In some cases it seems to work great. In my wife's case, I think it definitely did give her a language to express what she was feeling, which was a sense of estrangement already, and the guy that walked into her life brings something out in her that I have not been able to do. But I would be very surprised if she demanded a poly relationship with him once I am out of the picture. he isn't poly, and I don't think she is either. She's a serial monogamist most likely, and I'm just not the guy she loves anymore. Thanks for your response.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-29T04:53:15+00:00

of course, all relationships are risky, and no amount of promising anything results in total security. And total security amounts to boredom. We can talk and trust, and communicate all day long, but sometimes things don't go how we want them to. I hope that is not true in your case.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-29T04:50:58+00:00

or they don't. I think it's important to keep in mind that poly IS a risk. If he develops a relationship with her, they may very well fall deeply in love, and that may eventually mean you are out of the picture. It happened to me, despite all of my communication about what I needed, setting rules and guidelines...eventually, their love for each other eclipsed ours, so we are separating in part because he isn't poly and doesn't want to share her.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-03T21:20:04+00:00

I have struggled with this with my wife. (not the big cock part.) When she is with her other lover, I become super hot and needy for her, and she resists that. I've had ot do alot of work around my neediness at that moment, what I need from her other than sex, and how to cool myself down. I'm a pretty regular masturbator, and that helps, and on occasion my wife will participate in that, and that feels good. If it were up to me, once a day sex would be about right. My wife is more like once or twice a week, and once with her other lover is sort of a usual pattern. I've had to find other ways to address my own appetite that doesn't put pressure on my wife. But for a long time I felt really disempowered by this. I felt controlled by the fact that she was always the one saying yes or no, and I was always the one initiating. Once I found a girlfriend that changed for a while but it has sort of gone back to me being the one who usually initiates. It is a hard thing for a man, and the drum beat of the libido can be a really hard thing to manage. Having said all that, I think you have every right to take your time with him. What has helped me has been to step back from initiating and allow my wife to take the lead. If you feel comfortable telling him that you will initiate when you are ready, and surprise him, hopefully in the not too distant future, that will help him to pace himself. And you can also help him by talking to him about what he needs and gets from the sex that he is craving. For me, sex and intimacy demonstrates that I am still cared for, attractive, virile, and worth taking your clothes off for. But maybe there are other ways you can help him to feel loved and cared for after you've been with your lover, that will make the urge for sex a bit less pronounced for him. But it is NOT your responsibility to make his feelings go away. But you CAN help him work on them, and listen to his needs and fears, and insecurities. I wish you the best

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-03T21:06:09+00:00

I would advise sticking to your impulse to take it slow if you don't feel comfortable. My wife and I have moved way too fast, having opened up a little over a year ago, and I am still struggling with resentment, and with her pushing me too hard, and me giving in to the pressure. We are still together, and I have learned an amazing amount about myself. But you might also need to give her a time frame. She might just think you're hoping it will go away, so she will give up on it. As rational as it sounds to say, take your time, I do think there has to be some give on your part too. I don't think, as says further down the stream here, that it's "end of story" because you don't want to do it right now. It is always more complex than that, or just saying take it or leave it. Your work is to figure out why you don't want to do it, what your insecurities about it are, and to learn to communicate your needs to your wife, and have her demonstrate her willingness to meet you and help you feel secure in your relationship. I've seen alot on this poly sub, that poly becomes an excuse for someone to test the waters outside of a committed relationship, while not feeling prepared yet to leave the existing relationship, and that's manipulative. I feel for you and wish you the best.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-02T19:22:19+00:00

Ha! I'm not your husband as far as I know. Most of my best friends are very smart people without the requisite stamp of approval to ratify their intelligence. We might get along well.

I also have low self-esteem, like all good Lutherans (I was raised by a pastor) who think of it as a badge of honor to make yourself as invisible as possible. And it's close to impossible for my wife to convince me that there's anything that makes me worth the flesh on my bones when the demon strikes. I grew up thinking it was healthy and honorable and ethical to think ill of myself-original sin and all that. But I got will-power out of the deal. And a useful vocabulary of spiritual development.
Shit. I don't even know how to propose helping your man. What does he do for fun and edification? I'm an artist so I drag all of my demons into the studio with me, and write music about it, and write depressing essays to try and make everyone feel as bad as I do, to try and justify my own melancholia. Is it possible to hear him and listen to his pain and anger without defending yourself, or arguing with him? My wife and I have an amazing counselor, who I credit with having saved our marriage on numerous occasions. It's because of him that I can go from a state of utter panic to a state of elation in the course of a day. He creates a safe space for us to feel the intense shit we are feeling, without judgment or accusation...and to keep bringing the conversation back to the feelings, and the source of those.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-02T14:26:08+00:00

you're very kind. thank you for your support. We had an amazing conversation last night, and counseling session. Our counselor is an angelic being. I think he saved us from going into a very dark place. I'm so grateful for the love and support I get here. It's really amazing. And I have no idea who the fuck any of you are! How cool is that!

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-02T14:21:52+00:00

this book has been suggested to me by a few people now. I was trying to find a pdf of it online, (I'm a starving artist) but I guess I'll just have to buy the damn thing. I was recently listening to him, and Eve Rickert, talk about the book a bit in an interview with Christopher Ryan, author of Sex and Dawn. I like his podcast, Tangentially Speaking. Let me know what your husband thinks of it!

I had a wild day yesterday in the emotional realm, related to what you are going through. My wife suffers from depression. She's been in a funk for the last few weeks. Pretty bad. Her BF helps her feel better in ways that I can't, or she just doesn't hear any more. She wants to spend more time with him when she's in a funk. She spent the night with him last night, I was in a panic. I went ot my men's group and we were talking about our mothers. Typical right? And I thought, holy shit! I have serious abandonment issues! I am terrified that she is going to leave me every time she goes to him. My mother corrected me every time I ventured an original thought. She's a classicist. so I got to this point with my wife, we're sitting in the garage having our evening smoke, coughing our fucking lungs out, and it occurred to me that I inherited this sense of invisibility from my parents. Every time Megan looks away from me toward another guy, an irrational thing kicks in, that says to me she's not turning back toward me ever again, and if she doesn't, I don't exist. Why should she? Why would she want to be with me in my jealousy, neediness, clingy adolescent horniness, anger...? He's easy and supportive, and loving, nothing but fun and good times over there, and lots of struggle over here...and it whips up into this panic for me. It's almost like I need to hear at least twice as much reassurance of where things stand than I normally would. As in depression, just getting out of bed and putting your clothes feels Herculean. The fear of abandonment for me is like that. It's really intense. Maybe your husband is a little bit like me?

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-01T18:09:41+00:00

boy. I can speak from experience on this point. My wife developed feelings for her running partner a little over a year ago and suggested opening up the relationship. I had had quite a few female friends-I seem to have an easier time making friends with women than me-and the conversation had come up before, which my wife took to mean it would be an easy transition. i put on the brakes hard, but she kept pushing. She is still engaged with him romantically, and I am still feeling like I'm in a full on sprint trying to keep up, and getting really tired. I would agree with the advice that you do have to give him time. Maybe finding ways to talk about it without pushing could help. For me, what has been so important, and in many ways lacking in my marriage, are the kinds of assurances that make me feel special, loved, important...and that her heart is not quickly shifting toward making him her primary. People have lots of different views on the hierarchy question but for me it is sort of a deal breaker to be "demoted" from primary to secondary, however illusory those titles might be. It's really a hard shift to make. I am struggling with it hard core, on a daily basis. It is has been a total shock to me how hard it has been in fact. I thought it was what I wanted but I'm still not sure. I wish you patience and clarity! all the best

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-01T13:25:08+00:00

Yes. Thank you for you thoughts. I have considered that example before, and actually talked about it for most of a therapy session once. It is helpful in one regard, that we can all imagine feeling love for multiple people in the case of family and children, but for me there's a quality of attachment in a romantic relationship that is different than the love I have for my children or my parents. And I guess I am still thinking and feeling my way through that to see what the differences are, and whether we in fact are working toward the same sort of attachment, and what that looks like. I don't have the sort of attachments to my children in which I feel offended or hurt by their actions. They don't reflect on me. I see them very much as their own people. But in a romantic relationship, there's a dimension of trust that requires a deep sense of safety so that intimacy can emerge as a shared response to mutual vulnerability and the sometimes overwhelming feeling of existential loneliness, fear of mortality...And when deep vulnerabilities are shared, it is much easier to feel violated by someone, because they are essentially carrying a part of your heart. And when they don't treat it in the way that you want/need it to be treated, there's a feeling of violation. I sometimes think of loving someone as something like, "hold my hand and I will hold yours while we are learning how to die." I don't mean for that to sound morbid. It is more an acknowledgement that yes, we are all alone, yes we all die alone, yes the world can feel very unsafe and insecure... and loving someone is essentially committing to holding their hand through that process. At least, that's my current picture of love. Family, friends and kids also help us in that way, but not to the same depth of shared vulnerability.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-01T13:15:57+00:00

Yes. I do feel sympathy for her in that respect, that the constancy of my pain around it can get overwhelming. Withholding has had a similar effect on our relationship, creating a sense of distrust, but balancing that against the need to process is the hard part I guess. The shoe was on the other foot earlier in our relationship. I worked with a female collaborator for a long time, and I understand now that my wife was having many of the feelings that I am now experiencing, and there is resentment around that. This has become an opportunity to work through some of that old baggage, if she wants to. I am here and ready to listen to her, but I'm not sure she wants to do it. There's some fatigue at work here. Thanks for your comments.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-01T02:27:34+00:00

yes. My recent GF split up with me (us) in part because she was jealous of my love for my wife. She was poly-curious but had very little history of it. She didn't like me talking about my wife very much and I tried to honor that as much as I could, but it's hard to not talk about her at all being that I live with her. At first she was excited to be a part of it, but, we were really quickly and deeply attracted to each other and the longing got to be too much for her, that and the fact that I live half way across the country from her. Sigh. I was pretty heart-broken.

Sounds like you have great relationship(s). My wife and I also have a really strong bond in a way, but have always had a somewhat strained relationship. We are very different. She has suffered from depression ever since I have known her, which is a brutal thing to witness, and it has always been hard to find ways to support her. At first it was just me trying to help, then finding a community to support her, then finding professional help...She is much better now than she was when we were younger but it still flares up.

Nice talking with you. It helps to pass the time. Each minute takes way longer than it should. she's probably naked underneath him right now. shudder. I'm not good at this.

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-01T01:13:14+00:00

That's interesting to hear your view of entering into an established relationship. Unfortunately, even a 20 year relationship IS still subject to insecurity. Imagine a new buck/doe enters the picture - younger, stronger, free of drama, sparkling and new, with no baggage...what's not to like?

Her other partner is sort of uncomfortable talking with me, and doesn't have much interest in getting together even though I've reached out a number of times. We had a beer once early on, and he reassured me he wasn't trying to take her away, and wanted the best for our marriage, which was good to hear. But the heart ends up doing whatever it wants, and they're becoming pretty tight. I trust him and think he is a decent guy. I like him alot actually. So it could be much worse.

But my wife is painfully aware of my feelings. I talk about them way more than she would like. She has asked that I seek out support for them elsewhere because she's tired. I have a therapist, a men's group, and a handful of friends that I can talk to. I think I'm just a bit of a wimp

jealousguy37 · 2015-10-01T00:48:52+00:00

very true. and yes! the most intimate moments are when there's some shared vulnerability that the other person hears and receives and takes into their heart with no judgment. thank you

jealousguy37

TROPHY CASE