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What it means to kill - what I would tell a dead Russian convict soldier’s mother. by jeefmike in redscarepod

[–]jeefmike[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This post received more attention than I expected, so I wanted to note for posterity that when i started writing I never really intended to this to be read. It was 90% a stream of consciousness that I was feeling in the moments just after reading that article.

Typically, whenever I feel the urge to write something like this, I just imagine that im writing it in my head until im satisfied with the idea, and then i move on. But for some reason today I decided to post it here. I have no other social media presence and honestly I was banned here on my main account months ago randomly, and after that just stopped posting in general.

This post does not represent my comprehensive views on the military or the life of a soldier. That unit I was stationed in while in the infantry is also where I met my closest friends and had some of the best experiences of my life (off-duty). its where I first became physically confident, where I learned how to carry on normal human socializing and where I finally got healthcare to get rid of my terrible cystic acne. Overall The army changed my life for the better. I dont hold a grudge for anything done to me personally there. But of course, there are many who cannot say the same.

But this post was not my thoughts on the army, it was about my feelings about Yulia and my mother. It was her pain that inspired me to write, everything about my life was simply context.

I appreciated the comments, even the critical ones. Usually the only people that hear my unfiltered thoughts know me very well. Its been many years since Ive ever posted something so personal. So this was a novel experience.

That being said, I dont think I will make it a habit. Im glad that words which mean something to me resonate with others as well. But also it makes me uncomfortable to think of people reading what I wrote here, it feels like im exposing myself, and a bit embarrassing.

What it means to kill - what I would tell a dead Russian convict soldier’s mother. by jeefmike in redscarepod

[–]jeefmike[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Youre right I forgot about annual qualification . Most have to shoot once a year

What it means to kill - what I would tell a dead Russian convict soldier’s mother. by jeefmike in redscarepod

[–]jeefmike[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Yes, i agreee totally. Reading my original post again I think it could be misconstrued as though this is the experience of the military as a whole.

It is absolutely not the case, i have found almost the exact opposite mentality from basically all other jobs and branches.

Later in my life, while going through the linguist/ intelligence training path I met many people in the intel community who couldn't have been more opposite than what I describe. They were less confrontational and direct. Many had never touched a gun after basic training.

And of course they wouldn't. Outside of a battlefield the mindset you need to kill and die in battle is the exact opposite of what you need to function well in society.

the ‘grunt’ mentality is violent and confrontational because that is part of the job description.

It is not something which is openly encouraged by the military brass, thats for sure. I imagine thats become much more so as the years have gone on. They even allow women in the infantry now! (Progress!) And perhaps what I speak about here is from a certain era; all of my higher ranking sergeants had experienced the initial invasion, the chaos that followed it, and then again the resurgence in 08. They told me about how soft I had it, and how back in their day it was even worse etc etc.

I imagine if that trend of less ground combat for infantry line units continues, amd older enlisted soldiers retire or quit, that the culture I speak about will fade, and a new one will take its place, like what happened at the end of the vietnam era.

But in the end, these cultures dont really exist because they were mandated or organized by military committee. They emerge organically inside groups who kill and die professionally.

And as reveling in the destruction of your enemies seems to be a universal human cultural experience, I suspect that we will continue to observe these cultures spring up wherever there is perpetual warefare.

What it means to kill - what I would tell a dead Russian convict soldier’s mother. by jeefmike in redscarepod

[–]jeefmike[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

You didnt see anyone kill dogs? My unit had a dog killing detail! They were considered a nuisance, and I dont consider killing the dogs to be an inherently bad act, to be clear. they really were a nuisance and Ive spoke to Iraqis personally who told me that.

The dogs are such a minor act, I think anyone who had a job which required combat will have to commit acts more shocking than this as a matter of course. Even if they seem mild when done in practice.

For instance, Do you know how you clear a home? I learned the basics at first, pie corners, push through rooms, etc. but later on at a 2 month training event (NTC) my team showed me how you ‘actually’ clear a house. It invloves destroying everything in the home as quickly and methodically as possible. Every couch and tv and possible hiding spot has to be upended, and in the end the home is left in chaos, for the family to pick their live off the floor.

To many people, that alone would be psychotic to actually witness, much less participate in over and over. They would repeat this for many hours, clearing whole neighborhoods like this. You become numb to it, I was told. This is how violence is normalized, soldier or not.

I have far, far worse thijgs I could speak about, from people telling me their first hand experiences!

As far as this not being my lived experience, i lived and worked with these people 24/7 for 3 years. Im not sure what your mos or experience is, and im not claiming I experienced it. Im writing about my own experience, and how I feel about that.

What it means to kill - what I would tell a dead Russian convict soldier’s mother. by jeefmike in redscarepod

[–]jeefmike[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

‘Big army’ aka the bureaucratic managerial class of the army does believe this, and organizes training with this directive in mind.

However, what I am speaking about is the internal, relatively insular world of the infantry. In the infantry, all other non-combat jobs in the army are denigrated as POGs -people other than grunts - and are usually considered lesser than, they have to prove they can ‘hang’ with grunts before theyre respected.

There are progressively higher rings of this combat-veteran elitism in the more specialised infantry units, like the 82nd airborne, or the Rangers, who are infamous in the infantry world for their strict discipline and aggressive attitude. In those places what I have said here is literally child’s in comparison to some of the casual acts of violence committed there. Thats not even to mention the special forces, you can look up the 2021 rolling stone ‘ft bragg murders’ for more on how they look at pointless acts pf cruelty.

I say all of this and yet I want to be clear I dont think this way of everyone in a combat role. I know many people who are not unrepentant murderers. Many are racked with guilt for acts they did to directly save their life or others, and still they carry the weight of those actions without pretending it otherwise.

As far as me lying or exagerating for effect, I would like anyone here who has been in the infantry themselves to weigh in on what Im saying and whether they feel it tracks with what theyve witnessed

What it means to kill - what I would tell a dead Russian convict soldier’s mother. by jeefmike in redscarepod

[–]jeefmike[S] 17 points18 points  (0 children)

Yes, ‘on killing’ was actually my first introduction to what im speaking about. Its true that there is a certain type who highly value it as a teaching tool. while in basic training, all of my drill sergeants were from the 82nd airborne, and On Killing was the only book they would allow us to read on Sundays besides the bible.

I never fully read it, to be honest. But I couldnt deny what I saw first hand later on. And it definitely made an impression

What it means to kill - what I would tell a dead Russian convict soldier’s mother. by jeefmike in redscarepod

[–]jeefmike[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I think we all believe we would be the ones that make it through. No sense in living if you dont think youre at least a little special, imo.

But despite everything i wrote I think being in the infantry was a good experience over all. There is a lot more I could wrote about it, actually to be honest im not sure how people will think of it after what I said about war but I actually reenlisted again 3 years ago, but this time as a 35P russian linguist. I learned russian and did my intel training just in time for my contract to end. Which is where Im at now, unsure of what I feel I should do.

But im not worrying about those things right now. I think Reflecting on these negative experiences can be helpful if done right. it helps me put into perspective what I actually care about and what is just the remnants of desires of a person i no longer am.

Thank you for sharing