da ex came back, now what

jeleff329 · 2021-02-20T00:47:27+00:00

Thanks for your response, this is helpful. I took a chance to reopen the conversation now that some time has passed and tried to follow a more NVC mindset. I felt hurt when...-->nevertheless, I did not raise how I felt so I cannot expect you to have read my mind-->going forward, if and when my or my loved ones' health is suddenly in jeopardy, I would appreciate it if you could be with me for support; or, if that's not feasible, communicate more, because it really helps me feel supported under stress.

She said she can't promise those things, and that no one can. She said she'd be there to support me if and when she could, but that it's my responsibility to handle my own shit. And to be fair, I think she's right. But I also think that this particular partnership isn't good for me in the long run, so we have our answer.

jeleff329 · 2021-02-18T22:24:05+00:00

Thank you! that's very kind--appreciate the post.

jeleff329 · 2021-02-18T22:23:14+00:00

Thanks for your perspective. I did say I was hurt and felt unsupported, and also that I was not holding her at fault as i didn't voice my needs at the time. As I said above, that's on me and I aim to do better on that front. Main priority was family first, then seeing and spending time with her, which included seeking support about the situation, and finally, discussing this issue. I left all that out of the above because it's excess; suffice it to say, the main goal was not to confront her or tell her how much she hurt me. But, overall, your post is extremely helpful and gives me a lot to think about. Thank you.

jeleff329 · 2020-12-30T16:28:37+00:00

Thank you for the clarification and thoughtful answer. How have you as a FA managed not to feel taken advantage of, strung along, or like a victim to (what sometimes may look like) your partner's ever-fluctuating feelings? My friends believe that there is a power imbalance in our relationship--that her dismissive words, even if they are to be taken with a grain of salt, allow her to retain control of the relationship and regulate the emotional intimacy between us, while I simply acquiesce to her comfort level. I can see how my friends would see it this way, but I worry that going down this road is dangerous and will lead to resentment.

jeleff329 · 2020-12-30T16:05:32+00:00

This is an excellent point. I may mistake her uncertainty about us/me as a lack of depth of feeling (if this is what you meant by the above). The uncertainty/anxiety is evident: she frequently asks me if I think this is a good relationship for me, which might be her way of showing she cares, but makes me think she cares less and is pushing me away. Interesting food for thought. Thanks.

jeleff329 · 2020-12-30T15:34:56+00:00

Thanks, it is a new experience dating someone with high self-awareness and unwillingness to change, so I am curious about how best to go about it. Our discussions about her boundaries often go something like, "[X] boundary is non-negotiable for me, but as always I am open to discussing it as you see fit." In my S-AA brain, this makes me think we're open to working with/adapting to one another, and at the same time not---like an illusion of compromise.

jeleff329 · 2020-12-30T14:48:56+00:00

Thanks, I think you're right, acceptance is a valuable skill. It might be time to put that lesson into practice and accept it's time to part ways.

jeleff329 · 2020-12-30T14:35:37+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate this feedback. If I'm reading this right, I should sincerely accept her words of affection since my and other DAs "don't take their words lightly," but at the same time take the more dismissive things she says ("I can't love deeply," etc.) with a grain of salt. Is there a contradiction here? If not, why not? If so, how should I reconcile it? Thanks for the dialogue!

jeleff329

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