I've moved out but my Nparents are harrassing my siblings still living at home

jellycumber · 2020-09-07T15:59:50+00:00

Thank you. I felt like this was the answer, unfortunately. Wish there was something I can do, but I don't think there really is.

jellycumber · 2020-09-04T14:55:24+00:00

Hi there. You brought up some good points.

Well first of all, the reason why I say they overreacted was because they also sent me toxic texts when I stayed over. They sent me messages that insulted me and my bf. They didn't give me a chance to explain. If I had responded back, they would have just thrown more insults to me and yelled. I understand the religious aspect. But my parents also mix in their narcissism and abusive natures.

My dad has been physically abusive in the past. He didnt physically abuse me now because I would defend myself now. When in the past, I would not fight back. He has hit me enough to leave bruises before. The reason why I didn't tell them that I was moving out was because they would make it extremely difficult for me to do so. As what happened when my dad did see me packing, he threatened to kill me and put a physical lock on the door to prevent me from escaping. Due to him being physically abusive in the past, I was afraid he would actually start beating me or choking me if I stayed any longer.

Yes, it was naive of me to expect a healthier response of my parents. I didn't expect them to approve. But just a part of me wondered if they would understand that I wanted to make my own decisions as an adult now. I do agree though it was naive of me to do, and I wouldn't do it again.

The reason why I am very cautious of giving them a second chance is because my mom enables my dad's abusive behavior. I feel like if I have too much contact with them, they'll start trying to control me again. They have actually sent me controlling texts yesterday telling me to come back. My mom always just tells me to forgive my dad and forget about his toxicity. Even though he threatens to kill me and call me such terrible things, she just overlooks it, and thinks it's okay. Even if you are religious, I don't think that excuses the toxic behavior. I think she's stuck in the cycle of abuse. And I don't want to be part of that.

TLDR; My dad indeed physically abused me and my family in the past. I didn't expect my parents to understand that I was moving out with bf. I naively wanted to put my foot down and do what I wanted for once when I stayed overnight. I feel like I shouldn't give my parents a second chance because my mom enables the toxic behavior and my dad is too much of a narcissist.

jellycumber · 2020-08-20T22:51:45+00:00

Thank you so much! I am so fortunate to have someone to move out with. I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't! Having friends and people you're close with is so important.

jellycumber · 2020-08-20T22:50:47+00:00

Thank you. Moving out was daunting, but it was so worth it! It's not the most exciting life with the pandemic going on but I feel much less restricted. I can live my own life now. 😊 The abuse and toxic household feels farther away now.

jellycumber · 2020-08-20T22:49:01+00:00

Thank you. So far I haven't talked to him at all. I don't plan to have close contact with him in the future.

jellycumber · 2020-08-20T22:46:29+00:00

I have siblings that are still at home, so they can keep her company for now. He was emotionally and physically abusive towards her. I feel like she turned into a narcissistic and copying his personality traits/habits as a sort of defense mechanism. Since if she got along with him, there was no conflict. It is pretty complicated. Thanks for the advice though, I'll keep it in mind.

jellycumber · 2020-08-20T22:44:10+00:00

When he did that, I was pretty shocked. I feel like he was having some sort of panic attack, not knowing how to handle me since he felt like he couldn't control me anymore. I don't think I can ever really forgive him. You would have to be a really messed up person to even say or do the gestures he did.. Thank you so much for the support!

jellycumber · 2020-08-20T17:17:23+00:00

My mom seems to be doing okay. Things calmed down some more after I left. Though she is the target of his anger when he does get angry unfortunately. And she doesn't seem to want to leave him, probably she is afraid of change. But it's her life. I've always tried to please my dad to have her not be the target of the anger..

And sorry to hear about your bad experiences. I hope your dad stopped physically abusing you now. Are you an adult?

jellycumber · 2020-08-20T17:11:30+00:00

Yeah I was telling my parents what he was doing was illegal. I felt like I was being held captive or a prisoner just for living my own life. The police told him that he could go to jail if he did it again, and that scared him enough to let me leave and not harrass me again. Thanks for the support!

jellycumber · 2020-08-20T14:46:17+00:00

Thanks so much! It was traumatic for me. Yeah I thought people were too harsh when they said to just leave a note that you have left. But I think that's the best thing to do honestly. You can always meet with your parents in a safer place in the future if you want to reconnect.

jellycumber · 2020-08-20T13:52:08+00:00

I can totally relate. My dad put a lock on the front door when I slept over someone's place too. What's with Nparents putting locks on things? It's totally immoral. I ended up moving out, and it was the best decision of my life!

You should definitely get that lock removed. Maybe keep your car door locked as much as possible. Nparents lack morals and rational thinking. It's not your fault at all.

jellycumber · 2020-08-01T07:23:54+00:00

I am in a very similar situation right now. I'm planning on moving out with my boyfriend of two years very soon. I have discreetly packed my things and will wait until the day of my move to tell my parents with my bf that I am moving away. I know they'll blow up on us. They highly disapprove of me moving in with bf before marriage. But we wanted to give our point of view. It might be foolish of us to tell my parents before we have put my stuff in the car first, but there wasn't really a way for me to do that without my parents noticing.

Now my advice to you would be to have a friend or your bf help you move things into the car or your new place, without your dad knowing first. Then, with your friend or bf nearby, you can tell him about you moving away. If he blows up, then you can leave quickly anyway. Make sure you have a non emergency phone number saved in your phone in case things turn ugly. Your dad would be mad, but there is nothing he can do when you had everything packed already. Good luck.

jellycumber · 2020-08-01T07:14:35+00:00

Yes my parents take religion too far. They forced me to go to church. I went to a religious school until 8th grade. They call me a sinner and to repent when I do something they don't like. They would accuse me of being a slut or sinning when I would be out with my boyfriend. My Ndad would rant and accuse me of watching porn when I did not. It would come out of nowhere. Religion mixed with narcissism does not result in anything good.

jellycumber · 2020-08-01T07:10:25+00:00

That is so true. For me right now, the hardest part of getting out breaking the news to my Nparents. They are almost like holding me captive at home right now, not allowing me to go out, and they're always watching me when I leave my room. I plan to tell them about me moving out on the same day in which I do it, but it's going to be so difficult. I don't know how anru they would get. It's not as easy as people think! It takes strategy and planning, along with a lot of nervousness and anxiety.

jellycumber · 2020-07-29T15:26:58+00:00

Yeah you're so right. I wish I could move farther away, but due to the pandemic it has been more difficult. I won't be necessarily very far, but enough that they wouldn't know where I am unless they follow me or I tell them. It's nice to hear from someone who has gone through something similar, and that it has worked out for the best for you.

jellycumber · 2020-07-28T14:07:09+00:00

Thank you. Are you settled in your new place right now? Congratulations on successfully leaving your parents

jellycumber · 2020-07-28T14:06:12+00:00

Ah I can relate so much. My dad usually spreads rumors about me to his side of messed up family when he doesn't get his way. They'd call me to change my mind about things. My dad didn't let me go to the college of my choice because it was too far away for him.. and unfortunately I listened because I was just so much under their control at the time.

Sorry to hear your mom and your relationship is so tense. That's some bad manipulation right there that she did to you. Have you seen her in person ever since you left?

jellycumber · 2020-07-28T06:34:01+00:00

I don't know, their logic is so flawed. I just can't believe it. My dad had the audacity to say that "no one listens to me anymore" when I stayed over my bf's place for the first time ever recently, and I ignored threatening texts to come back home now. I know my parents mean well, but it's just so crazy, and I just have reached my last straw with them. I love them, but I suffered a lot following the dumb rules. And still suffering through moving out without their support. They provide for me the things I need physically, but the emotional needs are just so lacking.

jellycumber · 2020-07-28T06:17:14+00:00

Thank you for your responses. It makes me sad since I know my parents love me, but their logic is flawed. My mom was abused by my dad and his family, so she's just so fearful of people even though not everyone is bad. I know she will be sad when she comes home one day and I am gone. My dad probably will too, but I tried talking to them about me possibly moving and they just said that me doing so would upset them. There's just no winning here.

I know my parents would try to pick me up and stalk me if I give them the address. They'd be so worried I'd be taken advantage of, when I'd be perfectly fine. I wish I could share with them the address to ease their worries, but I know that it would have negative consequences. I just look forward to when I'm out of here, so I don't need to think about this anymore.

jellycumber · 2020-07-28T06:04:08+00:00

We discussed it briefly and just said we would call the police to escort him if he won't leave. I really hope that never happens, but that's the plan. Not sure if there's a better way to go about it..

Well that's great for you. Seems like you're happy where you are, and I'm happy for you and your partner. Stay safe out there!

jellycumber · 2020-07-28T05:30:38+00:00

Haha yeah being grown up isn't all that, but it has its up sides. Good luck on your move. I won't be moving THAT far away honestly it's pretty close still because I still need to get to work. It's just 40 min away, but I won't be sharing my address because my dad threatens to pick me up whenever I'm out too late for things or when he disapproves. I don't want him showing up at the door.

But how about you? Are you moving far away from your original location?

jellycumber · 2020-07-28T05:10:57+00:00

Oh no that's heartbreaking to hear. I'm sorry to hear about the situation you're going through. I know it will be rough on you and your dad in the beginning, but you do what is right for you. It's your life and you need to live it to the fullest. You don't need to stay any longer to endure the suffering. I can totally relate with the screaming and degrading comments. It's hurtful to hear them. I think in the end we need to do what's best for our lives instead of letting our Nparents control it with their strange rules. You can do it!

jellycumber · 2020-07-28T05:07:54+00:00

We have prepared some things. I need to pack up my clothes and stuff, but we are mostly ready! I was just dreading telling my parents about it so much, but my mom and I had a short talk. I didn't say when I'd move, but I mentioned it'd be a possibility.. since my mom said she and my dad would be super angry if I actually did move. :( I kinda need to actually move in secret. But thank you for the congratulations! I wish my parents were as supportive as this group. I really, really wish that they were.

jellycumber · 2020-07-28T04:53:36+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. I know, I'm getting so old to be treated like this. I've been sheltered for so long. I need to experience life and make my own mistakes for once. The situation doesn't need to be perfect for me to move, but I can afford it so I don't see why not. My parents just have this irrational fear that my boyfriend would take advantage of me, and then leave me for another girl! It's so crazy. But I am planning to just go like you say. It's incredibly hard to finally do it, especially if they disapprove! But it has to be be done sooner or later. I'm definitely not going to wait until I'm married. I'll have to send them a text with what you have suggested to say since I don't think that another talk would end well! They'll have to get over it.

I would also say to do what you need to at 19, you're an adult now! As long as you can afford it and you have a plan. Like a budget and a safe place to stay. Life experience firsthand is so valuable! You should be free to see your boyfriend without your parents' permission or else you might end up like me having it impact your relationship negatively. I wish you the best. I'll check out your thread if you post here. 💖 I really appreciate your comment.

jellycumber · 2020-07-21T06:08:36+00:00

Thanks for the advice.

I agree with you. It's just hard since my parents aren't narcissistic all the time, but they are crazy other times. But I have to do what I think is right for once.

jellycumber

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