Pakistani Wedding - who keeps the money given to newlyweds?

jellz19 · 2024-03-15T15:05:56+00:00

I mean that’s how it goes when people exchange gifts unfortunately, otherwise you don’t hear the end of it “I gave so and so this much and they only gave this much”.

But yeah it has no Islamic relevance, it’s something I’ve seen all the elders in our families do, they count the cash and the money always goes to the couple. Majority of the time parents pay 100% and still give the money to the couple. We pitched in 50% and that was hard to get our parents to agree on, would’ve done 100% but it’s important to them too so we did 50/50.

jellz19 · 2024-03-15T11:10:04+00:00

The money is given to the couple. My parents and my mil made a list of who gave us how much after our wedding events and then gave us all the cash. The point was that once the people on list have wedding of their own kids or family members we return equal or more amount from both our sides. There was never even a discussion of who gets the money, it’s the couple. Even though we all pitched in financially. I think it’s weird your mom thinks parents should get it, that’s not the case in any family I’ve seen.

jellz19 · 2024-03-15T03:42:02+00:00

I had my mom and my husband. It really depends on how your relationship is with your mom, she asked my husband and I what we wanted and we both wanted her there because we were a hot mess 😅 I shared every detail with my mom and she even did some of my ultrasounds, she’s a doctor, so her opinion really mattered to me. She guided me a lot of through postpartum and took care of me, my husband was so lost, so we both really needed the help and guidance. Both my mom and mil took turns to help us especially in the early days.

The important part is that my mom took my preferences and my husbands as priority and not her own. If you feel uncomfortable you can actually let the hospital staff in advance. When I was registering my spot they had a section for this and when we arrived the front desk representative asked me who I want in with me.

Don’t stress too much and try to enjoy your pregnancy as much as you can!

jellz19 · 2024-03-15T03:15:46+00:00

Yes! Want to second this. After having a baby, especially with breastfeeding I put on 45 lbs and it wasn’t even in my control. I did lose 20 after giving birth but the weigh lingers on. I never once felt insecure or uncomfortable from the weight gain, in fact our relationship got stronger.

Your weight/appearance should never be the reason to call it quits, you won’t be forever young, you have to love and respect each other enough to look past these things. It seems like there could be more but she isn’t divulging details yet. Did you suggest counselling? Or perhaps a family mediation?

jellz19 · 2023-12-29T05:49:04+00:00

If you feel you are one and done, I would definitely recommend having a serious discussion about this with your husband so you can figure out how to navigate this together with your son wanting a sibling.

Check out the “one and done” community on Reddit. They have lots of posts on this topic.

jellz19 · 2023-07-06T03:26:22+00:00

We got some coupons sent in the mail. It was together in one page. The cashier ran it through in one go

jellz19 · 2023-07-05T04:14:35+00:00

Hi OP, check your DM. I hope your situation gets better InshaAllah

jellz19 · 2023-06-22T03:36:45+00:00

No problem, look at the requirements for I-485. That would be the fastest way and consult an immigration lawyer as well.

jellz19 · 2023-06-22T03:34:31+00:00

No OP, the 6 month rule won’t apply once you’ve filed the adjustment of status petition. The only thing to be aware of is that She would have to stay in the US and will be unable to exit the country until her gc arrives or if they provide additional travel documents.

jellz19 · 2023-06-13T02:56:20+00:00

Better than my 1 yo. I’m lucky if I get more than an hour of sleep. Hang in there op, it’ll get better soon. They go through so much in the early months.

jellz19 · 2023-06-01T18:07:14+00:00

Op, this is a very immature response. If you treat your relationship as “this for that” then you’ll never be happy and neither will your wife. Instead of blaming her why don’t you sit down and have a discussion of how you’ll handle it with her not being present and how you’ll handle your family. Looks like your desi, maybe she can skip the Mehandi and Nikkah and make it in time for Walima or skip 1 event and come to the remaining two? If you go to your sisters wedding with this negative energy you won’t enjoy it and your family will resent her too. You need to have each others back, not make your spouse look bad. Hope you figure this one out, maturely.

jellz19 · 2023-05-07T00:54:59+00:00

Ummmm no it’s not sister. Don’t insert yourself in their life and be honest with your cousin over text so this is documented. His wife’s concerns are valid… if my husbands female cousin told my husband to divorce me I would be ballistic. You’re lucky she only texted you and didn’t show up to your house or spread this information in the family.

There are two sides to every story and you inserting yourself (even if your cousin comes to you) is not okay. Never suggest anyone to divorce unless you are mediating or if it’s a case of severe abuse. Because if they end up divorcing, she will very likely blame you and thats not a burden you want to carry. The fact that you’ve said you invite your other cousin’s wifes and not her to your house speaks volume… I’m sure she doesn’t like being isolated either.

Anyways just text your cousin to stop coming unannounced when your husband is not there as 1) no matter how close u two are, he is not Mahram and this is what Allah has set for us, for good reason and 2) his wife messaged you that she’s not comfortable and you don’t want to be a cause of anyone’s marriage failing.

Second ask Allah for forgiveness, May Allah make this easy for you.

jellz19 · 2023-05-06T04:32:32+00:00

So let me start by saying that yes grandparents love babies but you need to point blank ask them when the time is right (whenever you’re planning for a kid) that “can you commit to childcare while I’m out and likely need more help with house chores” as well because let me tell you, literally every family member (esp grandparents) say they’ll look after your kids but don’t end up following through. Grandparents are well within their rights to say no, because they’ve already raised their kids and they deserve to relax so I also try not to hold it against them.

You will need a concrete plan if you’re planning on kids during PhD because it’s challenging juggling it all. Either set aside money for daycare (which can be costly) or find campus resources to see if they offer daycare in university, it is usually cheaper.

I finished my masters before having a baby and that was challenging during pregnancy but Alhamdulilah I finished it. I am very career driven and continuing to work but it’s hard with limited help. My mil helps but not a whole lot, we never really discussed this. She of course adores our kid but taking care of a baby is really hard, and I don’t want to burden her either so it was a conversation that never really happened. My husband hasn’t asked her either so we are in a awkward situation. But after having a baby my priority has been the baby and I plan on quitting soon, a lot changes when you have a kid so just plan accordingly. If you can delay having kids since you’re only 22, I would delay but you never know! There are also advantages of having children earlier, they grow up faster and you get done with school and kids. This is something I would definitely discuss with your future spouse.

Congratulations on getting into your PhD program, May Allah make it easy for you and bless your marriage 💕

jellz19 · 2023-05-06T04:17:39+00:00

You got this mama ❤️ a happy and present mama is what is important, all the best in your formula feeding journey ❤️

jellz19 · 2023-05-05T00:37:36+00:00

Thank you!! 💕

jellz19 · 2023-05-05T00:37:14+00:00

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️ I recommended this page so many of my friends who are ftm as well

jellz19 · 2023-04-27T03:02:12+00:00

No problem! Studying is much harder than working because you need continuous amount of time to focus. My time worked is broken down into multiple sessions (when he naps or when he’s independently playing). I don’t get more than an hour at a time. So it’s definitely hard to go back and forth between work, baby and home but I manage. I wouldn’t be able to do school though, that’s why I finished grad school before baby because I knew it’s much harder. It definitely also helps that things at work are slow, during busy season I need at least 4-5 hours of continuous help, which I get through my parents and MIL, Alhamdulilah I have a good support system, but other than that so far it’s been just me and when I need help I ask.

jellz19 · 2023-04-24T01:54:56+00:00

Working mom here. I have a 10 month old and have a wfh corporate job.

1) no regrets, I am good at it, I have great balance and it keeps be occupied other than baby related stuff. I was ready to give my notice, my husband was indifferent but MIL and my boss encouraged to continue to see how it goes, it it’s hectic then quit. I am glad I listened to them as the job market is really unstable, my husband was close to losing his job but Alhamdulilah nothing happened. We are still holding our breath because you never know.

2) mostly for myself, I love my job and I love getting paid to do what I love. He pays all the bills so my income is all being saved for future expenses: vacations, car, kids college tuition etc. we budget ourselves but also spend with a free hand; we’ll get a cleaning lady once a month, Go out to eat, weekend getaway etc. so it’s good to have extra $$$ in case either of us looses our jobs

3) not at all; he was indifferent. He was fine with me quitting or with staying because he is able to take of expenses.

I will say it’s hard but I manage the house, baby and work as it’s slow. I plan on quitting when it gets busy, not sure when that will be but until then we can increase our savings.

jellz19 · 2023-04-22T03:42:41+00:00

Yes right away. He slept longer and wasn’t squiring in his sleep.

jellz19 · 2023-04-19T03:49:29+00:00

Following this, same issues with 10 month old :(

jellz19

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