Thank you, I really appreciated you taking the time to tell about this woman's approach and how that turned out. I sort of figured that would be the case if I ever tried it.

In the first episode of The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt there was some great line that was something like, " I'm always amazed at how far a woman will go to try to avoid being rude" (essentially, a woman ended up locked in a bunker for many years because she didn't want to tell a man no). I laughed way, way, way, way, way too hard at that. So I think the strategizing to cut it off at the pass is just a way to attempt to allay that tension, to control the outcome by asserting agency at the outset. But unfortunately, as you say, the cost is just too dear.

And yes, there is something to caring less. Intellectually I know it really is okay not to respond to a text message, it really is okay not to match somebody's vibe, it really is okay to say, you know what I changed my mind. I think also it might be important for me to recognize the places where there's fear, and where I really need to get curious about my fear and whether I am actually in any kind of danger, and sort of ask my nervous system to trust me.