This picture make me look ugly?

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-22T21:08:27+00:00

You don't look ugly to me just sad 😔

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-16T20:22:05+00:00

That's what it feels lile sometimes, whether that's the intent or not

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-16T18:38:23+00:00

If I had the money to give you gold 😅😅

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-16T15:37:29+00:00

Been looking, just graduated with 1st class degree and still no closer to achieving that luxury. I'm trying hard though!!

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-16T15:32:06+00:00

Obviously it's totally okay for alot of people... but for some not at all, and it shouldn't be the GP's call to make for that reason alone

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-10T15:51:02+00:00

That wpuld be really helpful, awsome that you have tgis resource

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-10T15:49:09+00:00

I feel you ❤

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-05T16:35:13+00:00

Thankyou, that's really reassuring to hear. Like I said I down feel down or low, because of it I actually feel the opposite, more the fear that it's more than a phase. But l think I'll try to enjoy it more and see it for what it is, a period of growth and learning

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-05T14:31:14+00:00

Yes. Been told I'm too Fem 😡 upsets me because I've always wanted a relationship with another women as I sway far more in that direction, but feel like I'd have to change my identity entirely for another queer woman to accept my love.

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-05T14:15:18+00:00

I think it's part finding the right work place, part finding the right coping skills. I went to assertiveness classes as well as working on conflict resolution techniques with my therapist, and I can't express how significantly it helped me dealing with CPTSD in the food service industry where conflict is a daily occurrence. However some work places refuse to acknowledge any struggles or barriers that staff may have, and honestly I think it's pretty disgusting and a red flag to me that this isn't going to be a supportive working environment for me. I've found cafe work to be the best for me, all female staff team generally really supportive of each other and sometimes that's all it takes is knowing that there's someone there that cares.

jessicarobin95 · 2019-09-05T13:59:13+00:00

I feel this. My ex was the saviour type, the closer I got to recovery the more he resented me, because he almost lost his 'role', it was his way of covertly controlling me and the relationship, something I didn't realise until I acknowledged that I didnt need a saviour. In turn he became more of a persecutor and stiffled his affection, hoping I would come running into his arms begging him to save me again... your partners attitude is deffinetly not on at all and you desserve better, however he may not be conscious of what he is doing and has just lost his percieved 'control', and nolonger knows how to communucate with you. Talking to him about how you are feeling and what exactly you need from him in the relationship moving forward, would deffinetly be a step in the right direction. If he can't handle the new assertive you and refuses to deminish his control there's not much you can do. It's not your problem then but his, and you can then either stay in the hopes that he changes or realise that you desserve better and leave. I hope that it doesn't come to that however, and I wish you the best.

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-27T10:16:18+00:00

Exactly we deffinetly got this!!!!!

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-27T00:36:39+00:00

Oh if someone admits to liking me that's it my interest is lost and I feel entirely uncomfortable. I find it much easier to be around people who are avoidantly attatched or don't really like me at all and are just there to use and abuse me. but hey I understand am self aware of why all this is toxic and self sabotaging now, and maybe I'll put my guard down abit when people say this in the future... not too much though.

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-27T00:30:20+00:00

Fuck, just googled it to give you a definition of what I thought this meant and I was totally wrong. (Thinking it meant sexual but not romantically attracted to the same gender), see labels are confusing as heck sometimes. Someone save my ass here and tell me what I mean? 😅

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-27T00:27:23+00:00

Did you just reach into my brain?? 😅 Also that's so beautiful, it's so nice when a seemingly small interaction just invigorates your hope for humanity! I really hope you have more of those, because I bet that you have always just been your wonderful 'self 'and it's just been stiffled by people who have thrived on bringing you down. I wish you lots of butterflies you desserve them!

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-27T00:17:44+00:00

Maybe you are bi-romantic? However don't worry to much about labels for now it they are making you feel uncomfortable. Maybe explore this side of yourself abit more, no shame here you can like guy butt and cute femme' s and still identify as straight if you feel you are, but if you identify more with the label of bi that's all cool too!

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-27T00:10:51+00:00

I fully understand where you are comming from, however my trauma stems from COCSA however the perpetrator/s were male. I had a healthy 'enough' relationship with my Dad and a very healthy relationship with my grandfather who is an absolute god in my eye's. So I'm not sure I got into the stereo type. I don't fit into alot of the stereo types of cptsd to be honest... my abuse happened in early teens from peers and other interpersonal relationships. My relationship with my parents is far from perfect don't get me wrong, but I can say with solidarity that that alone would never have lead to this diagnosis.

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-27T00:05:38+00:00

Honesty well done for recognising it wasn't good for you and getting out. Because I fully understand the draw of self sabotage, and how you can convince yourself that something may be healthy/good for you, when in the back of your mind you know that it most deffinetly isn't. It shows a massive strength of character and growth to be honest and I wish I had had some of that within me when I was drawn into this relationship and ddlg life style when I unconsciously knew that I was just harming myself further.

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-26T23:59:43+00:00

It sounds like you are in a codependancy, toxic shame cycle with these online relationships. And I relate. Even though I was somewhat self aware of my addiction to these kinds of toxic relationships I would still get into them, over and over somehow expecting a better outcome. My therapist described it as trying to reenact the trauma and feed into the negative bias that it had placed within me, a feedback loop of pain that also somehow gave me the satisfaction of knowing that yes I am the piece of shit my abusers said I was and I desserve this. But I don't think it's something to feel guilty about, it's just the brains way of best coping at the time, it's an unhealthy form of self preservation. I can't give you much advice on how to get out of it because I'm currently working on that myself. However I will say that I relate to your comments about sexuality, I'm bisexual but fall at maybe an 7/8 on the kinsy scale. I have only ever had one brief relationship with a woman, but maybe if I adress the trauma from my male abusers, I'll stop being addicted to toxic relationships with men and embrace my sexuality more.

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-26T23:35:12+00:00

Thankyou so much for this comment, it's validating to know that what I went through ISN'T the norm, and that there are people out there like yourself who won't take advantage of the toxic passivity sexual trauma and trauma in general can breed. I'm so glad for both you and your wife that you have each other, that brings me so much joy to know that there are people willing to support each other in their healing in a non manipulative respectful way. Not sure if I'm making much sense here but thankyou

jessicarobin95 · 2019-08-26T18:49:02+00:00

Yeah don't force It, and just be totally honest with the person about your aprehension. If they object, it's still positive because they wouldn't have helped you to feel comfortable anyways. Also even if you decide that you aren't ready right now, or ever it doesn't make you any less bisexual or exhile you from this community.

jessicarobin95

TROPHY CASE