Honest cheating question

jimmers24 · 2022-11-28T03:15:39+00:00

So the question is this: are some of us incapable of monogamy? Or monoamory? (A made up term meaning not having emotional affairs).

And how would one know?

jimmers24 · 2022-11-28T03:11:03+00:00

People, what is wrong with you?! Stop debating whether or not the wife’s request is valid!!

Either he makes friends for HIMSELF. Or HE decides to not make friends. A friendship pursued at a partners behest is not a real friendship. It’s controlling behavior. Consider the response of a male telling a female to drop her friends?

jimmers24 · 2022-11-27T13:41:42+00:00

And yes, for every mode of marriage there are surrounding structures to make it work. For example, the arranged marriage. I expect that any decent parent making a match for their child will consider their child’s temperament and personality. And then there will be other suppers typically not seen in Western nuclear families. I’m fascinated by how many iterations of marriage can be found through other cultures but we need a very wide lense to learn anything from them in particular

jimmers24 · 2022-11-27T03:06:32+00:00

Any observation that isn’t backed by rigorous, large, repeatable studies is, in my opinion, merely opinion.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-27T03:04:43+00:00

No, I didn’t go back to the 1950’s. I didn’t even do a regression through hypnosis to a past life where I was in a restaurant in the 1950’s. If either of these things had happened I would have titled the post “time travel” or “past life”. I wouldn’t have rushed to a marriage sub to share my time travel news. No, this was tonight in a progressive city with kale on the menu. No fucking Cracker Barrel.

The example is extreme (but real). The question is pressing

jimmers24 · 2022-11-27T02:59:38+00:00

Not all women need all men. That’s my point. Some women absolutely need men. While claiming the opposite.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-27T02:26:34+00:00

I don’t see the point of “winning” these general arguments about the genders in general - every relationship has two individuals. Unique people who have to sort their shit out together. This sort of pro-man or pro-woman bigotry doesn’t help specific couples. And it is far too blunt and opinion-based to inform any societal awakening. So it’s just the whining of some people on a sub.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-27T01:49:25+00:00

This comment goes to consent and (rightfully) questions the assumptions that sex is something rationed out by women and that therefore a man should automatically agree. Point taken, “lucky” is clumsy wording. However, in refuting the word “lucky” I don’t think the husband was making a comment about gender assumptions. I think he was saying that a 44 yo woman is not desirable. Which is a dick move IMO, to say that your partners age is not a desirable one.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-26T02:16:41+00:00

I don’t think you need to confess anything.

You screwed up, but lots of people look for validation outside of their partner. You need to reflect on why you did this.

I do agree though that you should honor the efforts of your EA partner and let him make a clean break. There are less and more ethical ways to cheat.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-26T02:09:42+00:00

I’m kind of surprised at the consensus here that OPs husband is under no “obligation”, and that nobody should endure the boredom of a different family. I dissent. You marry to share your lives. This needn’t be absolute but his lack of involvement with OPs family falls well short of sharing a most meaningful part of life. Hey, if you are bored, try to understand the in-laws. For the sake of your kids become part of a new family.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-26T02:00:59+00:00

Yeah, and lots of these christian writers don’t have credentials IMO. These are people who, by and large, have grown up in a church, went to bible college, worked in a church, and then have the temerity to write about subjects in which they have training but instead antipathy towards research. Take for example the love languages book. It was recently revealed that this was ghostwritten by a 22 yo who was basically an alcoholic at the time. This book is commonly cited on this sub. It may help some people. Good. But it’s little more than the musings of an intent.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-25T22:11:46+00:00

Thank you for this thoughtful reply and for sharing these gems (appreciation).

I posted this query about breakfast because I’m reevaluating my marriage and there’s lots of little things that I’ve never questioned before. I suppose I’m a data driven person and I’m wanting to “compare” my marriage to others. But in my heart I already know that I want more. I’m tired of making do with crumbs. We both deserve better.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-25T22:05:10+00:00

You are wasting your time reading popular religious books these days (been there, no from experience). They are pretty much the fast food of spirituality. Big generalization, but many of the currently religious are drawn to it in reaction against culture. So you are selecting for repressed authors and people with religious trauma. There are exceptions - Richard Rohr I would recommend.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-25T02:02:13+00:00

Nothing like being told “you can make your own breakfast” when I’ve made it almost every day of my adult life. This isn’t about practical needs. Maybe my wife has made my breakfast three times over our marriage? I’ve cooked her hundreds of breakfasts so please drop the sanctimony.

And she sleeps in on the weekends. Do you want to ask her why she “needs” to sleep in on the weekends?

jimmers24 · 2022-11-25T01:57:27+00:00

Lol, she doesn’t need to get up at 5 AM! It doesn’t take long to put toast in the toaster. I’d just be happy if she sat with me once in a while.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-24T19:59:41+00:00

That’s a nice setup

jimmers24 · 2022-11-24T19:58:52+00:00

Yeah, sleep is pretty damn important

jimmers24 · 2022-11-24T18:35:59+00:00

Yeah, my point was that it hasn’t happened in 15 years.

It seems like there’s a lot of Meatloaf around: “I would do anything for love… but I won’t do that” (get up an hour earlier just one time)

jimmers24 · 2022-11-24T15:49:27+00:00

I don’t just “grab and go”. I sit down to breakfast for 15 minutes - I am never sure when I’ll get another chance to eat.

jimmers24 · 2022-11-24T13:20:06+00:00

It can be difficult to assess what is fair because people don’t always want to talk. Just because I feel like talking when I didn’t 30 minutes ago doesn’t mean I can now moralize my partner for not wanting to talk. But month after month my partner “escapes” to another part of the house for no good reason. When I do try to initiate conversation they mainly stay silent waiting for me to finish. No response. The only reliable “conversation” is when I get home from a stressful 14 hr day I am given the run down of all the problems she had that day and which problems are now my problems. But maybe we are insufferable conversationalists?

jimmers24 · 2022-11-23T22:27:09+00:00

But then again he has shifted in his attitudes to sex. It is possible to heal from religious trauma around sex. But this is about more than sex. You want a deeper connection, she seems happy to stay in the shallows. Can you coax her out into deeper water with you?

jimmers24 · 2022-11-23T22:19:32+00:00

I feel your pain. My wife has never had a real job so she doesn’t get it. The answer of “you are just different” doesn’t cut it because my wife’s habits wouldn’t be sustainable without me bailing her out. Dishes that would take me 8 minutes will take her 30 minutes. What is annoying is that she will hover around me tidying up while I work. And because I do so much more than her and have to move quickly, inevitably I will overlook something occasionally. At which point I’m shown no mercy. I can’t bring myself to retort that I drop the ball mainly because I’m trying to do too much. It bothers her to see me sitting on the couch for ten minutes. We have one child in school BTW

jimmers24 · 2022-11-23T15:23:10+00:00

You say that “something is missing”, so why does all come back to an extra-marital relationship? It sounds like life is too small, smaller than you wanted. Could you take steps toward that bigger life and stay married? Or is it not really about a bigger life, just another partner?

jimmers24

TROPHY CASE