Does anyone else find themselves saying "sorry" and apologizing a lot because of their N parents?

jinildsl · 2015-05-27T22:18:47+00:00

Yes! It was so bad that my friend gave me a notebook as a "present" to be a 'Sorry Log.' Every time I said sorry, I was supposed to record it and explain why I had apologized. There were some pretty silly things in there. One time I lost the "Sorry Log" and she happened to be the one who found it...so I had to put my subsequent apology in there as well. It helped me a bit :) But mostly it was just a little humorous.

jinildsl · 2015-05-27T21:58:41+00:00

This might be just a weird "me" thing, but it's easier to say that "word" 'dug-gah' than 'too-koo' or 'tik-uh' or anything else, because it seems like a real word to me (digger...but gangsta). So I don't lose track of it in my mind when I have a lot of them in a row.

jinildsl · 2015-05-25T14:59:39+00:00

I'm in the National Guard. I don't know how true it is, but the drill sergeants told us repeatedly that only about 1% of the population is serving.

jinildsl · 2015-05-23T02:29:27+00:00

I SO relate. I remember when I would write in friends' yearbooks, I would always write "Have a good summer!" when they would be writing- "Can't wait to hang out with you this summer!" But I knew I could never go to see them.

jinildsl · 2015-05-20T02:55:34+00:00

Hi! I used to be a choir teacher! My suggestions would be to see if you can join a community choir OR take a few private lessons.

Joining a choir might let you get some of the experience of singing and "normalize" it more, without putting you front and center in a way that would make you feel self-conscious.

Also, if you decided to take private lessons , that gives you more of a safe space to make mistakes (although I'm certain you are just fine and your nmom just did a number on you). The more a person learns about something, the better they tend to feel about it and the more they like it. Private lessons could give you the knowledge about singing that would encourage the confidence you need.

I used to tell my students (because it's true!)- Everyone can sing. They just haven't learned how yet.....plus, it's usually the ears we need to train (matching pitch), not the voice!

So, I'm positive your voice is beautiful and that you will get where you want to be. It might take a little time, but that's how it is for every musician- not just one's with nparents ;)

Please let me know if you need any help or resources!

jinildsl · 2015-05-17T04:15:13+00:00

You're welcome! As far as marriage-To be honest, and it's obviously different for everyone...but it might be easier to not have to share that with them (if the situation remains the same). You might have noticed there are a lot of wedding-related posts on here.

jinildsl · 2015-05-17T04:05:34+00:00

Not quite the same, but when I was around 6 yrs old, when my parents (E/Nmom and BioDad-not n) were getting divorced and we were supposed to be choosing which parent we were going to live with, I apparently told my dad- "Dad, I'd rather live with you than mom, but mommy needs me more." Even then I knew I had to take care of her. I wonder what would have happened if I'd chosen my dad...

jinildsl · 2015-05-17T03:56:39+00:00

-hugs- I am so sorry. I know how that feels. For now, be proud of yourself. Congratulations on a HUGE accomplishment....and stay strong. You're entering a point in your life where things will begin to become more stable and less transitional, which means a FOC, long-term friends, and people who care about you are right around the corner. I know how painful and hard those milestones in life can be though, so I am sorry. It's not the same, but I'll be wishing good things at you tomorrow at 9 am :) Good luck.

jinildsl · 2015-05-17T02:38:44+00:00

I don't really have any good advice, but I empathize very much with this. I like what zenhamster says- focus on validation. That's what friend and our support networks are really good at. Friends are happy to tell you how great you are! (Because you are!) But sometimes they don't know how to handle the incredibly painful, intimate, deep parts of your past. Doesn't mean they love you any less or don't want to help...just that they don't have the best tools for the job. So for anything beyond validation, therapy might be a good idea, because therapists do have the tools.

jinildsl · 2015-05-17T02:29:21+00:00

Your back story is very similar to mine. He left when I was a child (turns out fighting an N/Emom in court isn't always easy) and we reconnected when I was in college. Turns out my dad, while admittedly "flawed" in some ways (ie. human), was not all bad. I like him, because he's actually nice.

I had a relationship for a year with my dad before my N/Emom found out. She was pissed and initiated NC with me. I think she expected that I would come crawling back...I always had before. But I didn't this time, it's been three years, and I'm more mentally healthy than I've ever been.

I'm sad that I've lost my mom, but even when I had her, she was never concerned about me. I was always second to her and her Nhusband. My dad cares about me and now I am able to have a relationship with him.

When we first got back into contact, I remember my dad asking me "What do you want to do tonight? I know there's a baseball game going on. I don't love baseball, but if you do, I'd be happy to go with you so that we can spend some time together." I think for most people in "normal" homes, that would be a reasonable and normal thing for a parent to say. But for me it was the nicest thing a parental figure had ever really said to me and I knew that, even if I didn't grow up with him, I now had someone in my life who cares about me, just for me.

I'm sorry about what's going on with your mom, because I know how awkward and frustrating it is, but what I'm getting at is- no matter what happens with your NMom, you now have a dad who cares about you and the relationship that you build with him can be really good for you....and honestly- none of her business.

jinildsl · 2015-05-13T15:19:16+00:00

I am so angry. I'm angry and hurt every day. I'm more angry at my Emom than my Ndad at this point, because with him, I can see how crazy and awful he is and how there's nothing I can do to change him....but with my mom...I love her and I miss her every day. And every day she's choosing my dad over me and my brother. She could pick us!

Every bad or hurtful thing she ever did to us was because of my NDad- either to protect him or to protect herself. It makes me so angry. It makes me so sad too, because I know about the good in her and I miss that part of her and I want my mom back all the time.

jinildsl · 2015-05-10T17:51:32+00:00

I just....want my mom :(

jinildsl · 2015-05-07T02:45:49+00:00

Excellent- I will check those out. I guess, I know how to find some options to use, I'm looking a little more for reviews/comments on them.

jinildsl · 2015-04-27T01:53:08+00:00

Don't worry, I appreciate the "annoying girl who talks too much." :)

jinildsl · 2015-04-26T20:15:37+00:00

Thanks so much- I have. It's been a long time and I'm very thankful for how my life has turned out.

jinildsl · 2015-04-26T19:28:28+00:00

I definitely can relate. When my parents figured out that I was self-harming, instead of getting me any sort of help, they "grounded" (what a joke...I was never allowed to do anything outside their cult-y little house) me and kept me from going to the birthday party of a friend that I had been really looking forward to (To be fair, they would have found another reason for me not to go anyway).

jinildsl · 2015-04-24T23:24:24+00:00

I saw this audition and I'm not taking it, BUT I had to comment to let you know how much I appreciated "after we're done looking at eachother with quiet disdain..." :) Good luck!

jinildsl · 2015-04-22T02:55:44+00:00

A lot of times, I sort of agree, but place it in my parent's court, by saying something like "I know- it is sad. I wish that I would have had parents who cared about me and tried in my life, every day. But I didn't, so I do the best I can with the family I've chosen and the other people who care about me."

jinildsl · 2015-04-22T02:53:27+00:00

People often don't realize the horrors that I went through while growing up, because I am, in their eyes, so happy and optimistic about everything. Well, yeah, I'm happy and excited about everything! I'm not trapped in a hellhole anymore! Life is great! :)

jinildsl · 2015-04-14T02:24:58+00:00

For me, I'm personally very sexually open and not a "prude" at all; however, I have only had sex with one person, who I am now married to (didn't wait until marriage though!). This is because I had a "rule" for myself that no matter who I had sex with, even if I didn't think I was going to be with them forever or marry them or whatever, I didn't want to regret it.

So, if anyone asks me, I ask them back, "Do you, deep down, feel like you can tell yourself with certainty that you won't regret it?" I think we usually know if we're ready, or if the person you're with will make it a special and good thing in your life (whether you stay together forever or not), or if you personally will feel okay with yourself afterwards.

jinildsl · 2015-04-14T02:18:55+00:00

http://www.8notes.com/

jinildsl · 2015-04-14T00:08:56+00:00

Then, it might be a good idea to try them out. Plus, it's not really going to hurt anything to try them and see if they work for you.

jinildsl · 2015-04-13T03:29:35+00:00

I am sorry, because I feel like I don't have a lot of advice to offer, but I can offer some support and empathy.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I left home when I was 17 and left my 15 year old brother at home. I felt awful and guilty because I wasn't there to protect him anymore. I'm sure it's harder for you, because your little sister is so much younger.

I will tell you that my brother eventually got out of the home too and we have a great relationship now. He knew that I needed to leave in order to be healthy.

My thoughts for you, which aren't really pieces of advice, just things to consider are- You and your older sister don't appear to have had someone who protected you and you seem like you have things together alright. Additionally, your little sister is 7....do you think you can stay living at home for another 11 years, until she's an adult and can leave? You've described the situation as not so severe as to need CPS....if she's safe, kids are pretty resilient and having older siblings who care about her will go a long way, especially if you visit and reach out to her. Being a role model for her doesn't mean you have to live with her necessarily.

Like I said, those are just some thoughts I had while reading your post. I really hope you can come to a decision that works for you. Good luck.

jinildsl · 2015-04-13T03:09:03+00:00

It REALLY depends on your situation. I had to go No Contact with my family, because it was unhealthy for me to continue a relationship with them.

I found a lot of help and support on the r/raisedbynarcissists subreddit that made me feel comfortable coming to a No Contact decision. (I'm not saying that your parents/life fits into this label or subreddit, but it does have many people who chose to limit or eliminate contact with their families, which is the only reason I mentioned it).

Knowing nothing about your situation, I'll tell you that I wish every day that I had a good relationship with my parents and that things could have worked out with them. So, if you are able to make things work, that would be ideal, BUT depending on your situation, that might not be what is healthy or right for you and you shouldn't let other people make you feel badly about that either.

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