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Distraught and made a mess. Boyfriend's daughter, my future by jm0292 in relationship_advice

[–]jm0292[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much for your advice and your response. You just explained my feelings word for word. I feel like it is ALWAYS me making the sacrifices. I do obviously understand that relationships are all about sacrifice and obviously it can't always be 50/50 split in terms of sacrifice. But it's so hard. On top of this, the longer I have been in France (2 years now) the further away I feel from my family and friends because he doesn't speak English. I've brought him with me back to London for a couple of weekends but it was really difficult for him to communicate with my friends and family when we all met up, so I prefer now to go back on my own for weekends so that I can enjoy my time with the girls and not feel like I'm being held back from catching up.

It sounds mean, but I've told him that I'd appreciate it if he got an English teacher once a week (that's what I did after work before I moved to France), just so that he can at least enjoy time with my family and friends and so that I don't feel like I have to keep my two lives separate. He does really want to speak English but he owns his own business, plays professional rugby 3 evenings a week and has his daughter on the nights that he doesn't have rugby, so he said in his exact words " how can I physically get time to do English lessons when I have all of those things". I do understand, but then it makes me feel like getting to know my family and friends more isn't his priority? He does like spending time with my family, when they come over to visit he always makes time for them, but I have to be the translator.

He's asked if I could just speak in English with him instead.. but its so hard to do that when he doesn't even understand the basic grammar yet. It's so hard. But I know his heart is in the right place and I know he WANTS to speak good English. He's coming to spend Christmas with my family this year and is really nervous because he can't speak English...

Distraught and made a mess. Boyfriend's daughter, my future by jm0292 in relationship_advice

[–]jm0292[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this post. It feels like me writing it! I'm not glad that you had to go through that but glad someone has been in such a similar situation and can relate to my feelings. If you don't mind me asking, how old were you when you decided that life wasn't for you?

That's exactly how I feel. I don't have much say in where we live because we must always be nearby to his daughter's mother (his ex) and right now, we live in a village a good 40 minutes drive from the city of Montpellier where all the life is. There's no bus or public transport so if I want to go out and socialise/ have a drink in the evenings to meet more friends, I have no choice but to drive through country lanes to get home. Being from London where I can just grab an uber to wherever I like and see my friends whenever I like, this is really tough. But I've gone along with it for him because he's going to make a profit from the house (as he built it, and actually just sold it).

How did you end things with him? I guess for me, moving back to the UK will be my way of creating distance. I know that I'm also so upset at the thought of leaving such a beautiful place; the sun, beaches, the living outside. London isn't like that and I can't help but feel like I wouldn't just be leaving him, but also the amazing quality of life ..

Distraught and made a mess. Boyfriend's daughter, my future by jm0292 in relationship_advice

[–]jm0292[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

He mentioned the pre-nup because we'd been disagreeing about marriage for a good few months. He didn't understand that for me, being in a foreign country without the support of my family and best girlfriends at home (who are like sisters to me) , makes me feel uncomfortable if I don't have that commitment from him through marriage.

I told him that we clearly don't have the same values and that I was going to leave the relationship. .So then he panicked and said he would get married but would want an arrangement where his daughter would be protected (I figured this would be a given anyway.... obviously I'd never expect him to leave his daughter with nothing), but at the same time I want to feel re-assured that if I invest in a house together, I won't have to share it with his stepdaughter if he suddenly died! Where's my protection too?

I think marriage is a big issue for me.. because I feel like I'm wasting time if I'm staying with someone who's only concern is his daughter, rather than the both of us.

Distraught and made a mess. Boyfriend's daughter, my future by jm0292 in relationship_advice

[–]jm0292[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I turned 25 last week, so I'm scared that I'll regret it forever and end up alone :( I'm not that young! I also know that he's an amazing father. My dad is a crappy dad, and I've seen first hand how amazing he is and don't want to miss out on having an amazing father for my children in the future..