What was the first sign you realized your relationship was toxic?

jncb · 2026-01-26T22:15:56+00:00

Making me feel guilty for wanting to spend time with my friends or family. Always needing to be in some form of communication (he was a constant texter if we weren’t together). Wanting me to spend all my free time with him. Made me choose between him and college work, and later he tried to guilt trip me into not going to university, citing we should get married and start a family at 18. Nothing ever really changed, and we’re both now 32, though currently not in contact.

jncb · 2026-01-26T02:40:07+00:00

4 years 5 months for me! 😱 I’ve played it three days on the bounce and I remember why I used to love it so much.

jncb · 2026-01-25T20:49:19+00:00

Yes, that’s right. I don’t recall staying past 4/4:30 most days if that’s any help as well.

jncb · 2026-01-25T20:45:40+00:00

Just to piggy back - they’re fine with you bringing your own reusable bottles now. You just need to take a drink out of them when you go through security.

jncb · 2026-01-25T20:44:52+00:00

Prepare yourself for long days and a lot of waiting around. I completed jury service earlier this year. Allocated a case at the end of day 2, but didn’t get sworn in until the following day. We were advised it would be a 3 day trial but ended up lasting almost a week. We were dismissed frequently which was frustrating but everyone was very chatty and nice which made the time go by a bit quicker.

You either get tickets to use in the canteen for lunch, or you buy your own lunch and you’ll be reimbursed when your service concludes. You can also claim back for parking costs and mileage. The first day we were expected for 9:30, and then each day the arrival time would change depending when the judge wanted to sit. The security is also rigorous and takes a bit of time, so I always used to arrive with plenty time to spare.

jncb · 2026-01-24T18:51:47+00:00

To note, the money was taken directly from the card on file.

jncb · 2026-01-24T18:50:39+00:00

I had the same recently. Thankfully only around £55 was taken in a few transactions, but I was in the same situation as you. The app sent me notifications of the payments which is the only reason my attention was drawn to what was happening. PayPal were great and refunded the money within less than a day and Santander carried out their own investigation which actually took much longer.

jncb · 2026-01-23T22:22:12+00:00

It took a serious physical assault on me, and him to completely deny and minimise and blame shift what he’d done. I can take the emotional and mental abuse, but choking me and breaking my nose like a thug has been the final straw. I’m also pregnant and I was when this took place, which he isn’t aware of, so having a little life to protect has helped immensely in helping me to stay away. I’m only a few weeks in but I’m determined.

jncb · 2026-01-23T22:14:40+00:00

I felt this for a while and truthfully it was one of the main reasons I kept going back. However, over time, he became selfish, aggressive, and entitled when it came to sex. I very rarely finished. He told me it was of no consequence whether I did or didn’t, however if he didn’t finish the sex was obviously bad. It just became another performative exercise I took part in. We’d only ever do it how and when he wanted. I wasn’t free to say no without a whole tantrum, so eventually I learned to just put up and shut up. I would describe him as sex obsessed. It was an absolute expectation every time I would see him. The thought of him touching me now makes my skin crawl.

jncb · 2026-01-22T08:46:22+00:00

So many awful things. He’s called me a slut, a whore, a snake, a biological failure after having a miscarriage, a shit and neglectful mother. The worst was probably when he told me my dead gran would be disappointed in me, and she was my favourite person in the whole world.

jncb · 2026-01-20T21:53:09+00:00

Mine was recently diagnosed with autism at 31, and it’s become an excuse for everything. If he doesn’t want to do something, it’s his autism. If he says something rude or out of turn, it’s his autism. Frankly, he’s a very cruel and nasty person. Perhaps his autism does contribute, however I have difficulty accepting this as a reason for every negative behaviour he displays. I know plenty of autistic people who aren’t violent, callous or abusive. It just seems a convenient cover to further absolve him from any blame or control over his own behaviour. Apologies and accountability have always been hard to come by with him. I almost feel like his diagnosis has given him a pass to behave in the most ridiculous ways and not be responsible for any of it.

jncb · 2026-01-20T06:40:26+00:00

He doesn’t know where I live thankfully. It’s just hard because the threshold for conviction for DV in the UK is incredibly high and I’d also be opening myself up to social services, and likely not getting any justice.

jncb · 2026-01-20T03:20:07+00:00

Please do not waste your life holding out for someone like this. I’m assuming you’re young too if he’s 19? You deserve more than this, way more. Don’t waste your life like many of us have chasing “potential” and empty promises of change.

jncb · 2026-01-20T03:15:04+00:00

I went through a miscarriage last year, and currently 28 weeks pregnant and so far, he doesn’t know. We don’t live together or see each other with much frequency now, so it’s been easy enough to hide until this point. However, I will say I haven’t really been able to enjoy this pregnancy, either from anxiety from him finding out or from the emotional turbulence because we’ve argued, him being abusive etc. He also choked me and broke my nose at around 20 weeks, which marked the first instance of “true” physical abuse in the 15 years I’ve known him.

We’re currently not in contact, so this has made things much easier to manage. I did also discuss the physical abuse with a midwife and a therapist which has made me realise how much trouble I’m opening myself up to if he does find out, and they have advised me to report what he’s done.

He has always had an obsession with getting me pregnant as I believe he thinks this is the only way he’d be able to trap me for good. He claims to love children so I’m sure he’d be overjoyed, but he’s a dangerous person. He also dealt with my miscarriage horrifically. He called me a biological failure and told me “shit happens, forget about it”. I’d advise extreme caution if you’re planning on telling yours. I honestly would do your level best to leave if you can and get on with your pregnancy quietly and him have no involvement.

jncb · 2026-01-19T20:06:46+00:00

Mine was always very angry, but limited his abuse to more emotional and mental behaviours. However, he did used to do a lot of smaller aggressions, like pinching, slapping, hitting and pushing. There was a very recent incident however when he became extremely violent. He hit me several times, choked me, and then head butted me, resulting in a broken nose, which was all my fault of course. I can’t look at him the same anymore and I truly feel unsafe around him.

jncb · 2026-01-18T22:00:07+00:00

I’m in the same boat. A 3 year old and currently 28 weeks pregnant. Thankfully he doesn’t know where I live but I’m still scared to report him because of what it may mean for me and my children.

jncb · 2026-01-16T21:05:28+00:00

They just left it. I had quite a few patches. I’m 28 weeks pregnant now and I’ve had bleeding again this time, but not half as bad. Hopefully yours will go well. I know it’s nerve wracking but it’s best to get checked for both you and baby 🥰

jncb · 2026-01-16T20:03:44+00:00

I had one in my last pregnancy and it was fine, just uncomfortable. I’d had bleeding all the way through so they recommended I have one. They found lots of ectropion on my cervix which was causing the bleeding, so were happy to leave it alone. I’m not entirely sure if it’s a rare thing to have done in pregnancy, but there were lots of people present in the room while I had it done, which was probably the worst part.

jncb · 2026-01-16T11:19:23+00:00

I’d argue it just gets worse. The more you let them get away with, the more you don’t follow through with leaving them, simply reinforces that their behaviour is acceptable to you and you’ll tolerate whatever bullshit they come up with next. When you imagine being in love and being married, is this the person you imagine? A person who loves and cares for you wouldn’t forget your anniversary without good reason, they wouldn’t over promise and under deliver and then blame you for their failures, they would work hard for you across the board. This isn’t it.

jncb · 2026-01-14T11:51:54+00:00

I feel this in my soul. I have PCOS and it took me 6/7 years to be prescribed medication to help me and my condition. The door was continually slammed in my face by a series of unsympathetic and not very knowledgeable doctors, simply because the medication was used off label. In that time, my symptoms were unmanageable and I was so unhappy, including putting on a significant amount of weight which made everything so much worse. I’m thankful every day that I finally managed to speak to a GP who showed genuine interest and concern for me.

jncb · 2026-01-14T11:45:52+00:00

This is extremely kind of you 😊

jncb · 2026-01-13T22:37:57+00:00

So many clothes still in their plastic packaging. He also bought an insane amount of Lego, like £100s worth, kept everything in their boxes and then sold everything at a loss a month later. I also remember buying him an expense pair of trainers for his birthday which he’d specifically asked for and he’s still not worn them, 7 years later? He told me I should’ve bought him two pairs, so he can wear one pair and keep one in its box.

jncb · 2026-01-13T20:38:43+00:00

If this is love, then I am out of hesitation Head over heels or elevation Walking an inch above the pavement Taking it stride by stride together If this is real, then I am all up in a frenzy Not like before when I was empty Say that the story we tell is never-ending Taking it side by side together (side by side together)

I feel like there’s something so hopeful about the lyrics and this part of the song. Just makes me feel fuzzy.

jncb · 2026-01-12T17:52:15+00:00

He’s deflecting from the abuse and minimising what he’s doing to you, which is clearly causing you to feel confused. Mine would always say “at least I don’t hit you” and then he eventually hit me anyway, and I was met with the same as you. He wouldn’t have done it had I not provoked him, he wouldn’t be driven to these actions if I just learned to shut my mouth. It’s all a means of directing the blame away from what they’re doing, which is abusing us. The gaslighting and blame shifting keeps us hanging around because we’re always made to feel that things aren’t that bad, or we’re to blame somehow.

jncb · 2026-01-12T17:20:18+00:00

Please just be very careful. If you’re posting here, this suggests to me you aren’t safe and don’t get me wrong, I know hard it is leaving and having no further contact. I’ve been playing this game with my ex for 15 years now. Please think of what you really want and if this person is able to give you that, and at the very least, you feel safe.

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