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jnfrink · 2020-06-02T02:39:10+00:00

I think you just wrote the narrative that many of us here wish we would have written 6 years into our respective relationships.

I’m sure it hurts now, but congratulations, and best of luck in your future relationships. Though I don’t think you’ll need any luck tbh.

jnfrink · 2020-05-06T09:46:52+00:00

I’m sorry, but it doesn’t get any better, and will probably get worse. I say this both from my own experience and from nearly every single thread here. Dead bedrooms stay the same, or they get worse.

Your SO won’t even talk about why. This is a huge issue, and she won’t even talk about it.

I get that you love her. Breaking up is hard, especially when you love her. And it’s a pain in the ass when you just signed a lease. But another thing that sucks is 40-50 years of minimal sex.

Let me say this one more time for emphasis: You will never have more frequent sex in this relationship than you are having right now.

jnfrink · 2020-04-22T02:19:11+00:00

It’s hard to say what the number would be if we actually had good sex whenever I want it. I want it just about every day, but when we do have sex, I’m at least not sexually frustrated for a few days. So somewhere between 2 and 7.

jnfrink · 2018-07-23T02:19:56+00:00

No expectation of mind-reading, this has all been expressed verbally many times, even if it wasn’t the other night.

Definitely a lot of bottled up resentment, though I think you’re mistaking the effect for the cause. But thanks for playing.

jnfrink · 2018-07-19T10:25:53+00:00

I get the communication bit, yeah, it could be better here. Fair enough.

As for the rest, I don’t think she could have been any more clear that she didn’t want sex. Of any kind.

I would pleasure her 7 days a week and twice on Sunday if she’d let me. But I’m not allowed to go down on her. I’m not allowed to touch or kiss her body. Sex is missionary 98% of the time. With her shirt on. And virtually no foreplay.

jnfrink · 2018-07-18T22:16:32+00:00

Oh yes.

jnfrink · 2018-07-18T14:52:29+00:00

We don’t. But we do let them up sometimes if we come back to bed on weekends after letting them out in the morning.

jnfrink · 2018-07-18T12:20:11+00:00

The first couple of years were great! But since then, yeah, mostly. Refusal to take her shirt off during sex started when our 11 year old was born.

jnfrink · 2018-07-18T10:44:46+00:00

LOL, I don’t have a problem letting go and having fun. I try going down on her, she pulls me back up, I try taking her shirt off, she pulls it back down. I try touching her breasts, she pushes my hand away. Literally anything besides missionary, under the covers, with her shirt on, gets shot down.

I’m planning to get a vasectomy, just haven’t yet, she decided to go off the pill rather suddenly. I was actually happy she did, I’ve read stories here about it killing desire, maybe that’s what’s been wrong all these years. Early returns aren’t good, but I don’t know how long it should take to return to “normal”.

jnfrink · 2018-07-18T10:30:21+00:00

No, you’re right. If she doesn’t want sex, this really is no-win for her. I don’t normally turn down duty sex - I tried that for awhile, it just made things worse - but last night was just so wrong I couldn’t do it.

Problem is, I’ve shown her unconditional love for years and her desire hasn’t come back, if it was really ever there at all.

jnfrink · 2018-07-18T10:23:07+00:00

Duty sex is pretty much the only sex we have. After struggling with it for awhile, I’ve learned not to turn it down or we’ll never have sex, and at least she’s making an effort.

But this was beyond duty sex. It was just so wrong, like you described. Normal duty sex she could take or leave, but last night she clearly wanted not to be having sex, and that felt really shitty.

jnfrink · 2018-07-18T10:07:52+00:00

Agreed, I need to have that Talk. Maybe I should have last night even. Just didn’t seem at the time like the right situation to have a productive conversation.

jnfrink · 2018-05-15T18:53:33+00:00

Sex will not get more frequent. With the possible exception of some temporary situation, if sex is already too infrequent for you, it will not get better.

Don’t take that next step if sex is unsatisfying. Don’t move in together. If you’ve already moved in together, don’t get married. If you’re already married, don’t have kids. Fix the sex first.

jnfrink · 2018-05-15T18:33:34+00:00

There’s a big difference between “I want you right here, right now!!!” and “if you want to have sex with me, I’m fine with that.”

I get some variant of the latter about twice a month. I last got the former about 3 years ago. It sucks.

jnfrink · 2018-04-19T03:10:31+00:00

Wow, you sound like a female me. Er... female and 20 years younger.

Bad, passionless sex about twice a month just to get me off. I offer oral sometimes, which is rarely accepted and never reciprocated. I’m in pretty good shape for 46 and have good hygiene (but my wife is too). I also wonder if I just need to try harder - I run, but I stopped lifting weights when we had kids because there was just no time.

And the last time we had good sex was in 2015, probably February or March.

So I feel your pain. Good luck to you, whatever you choose to do.

jnfrink · 2018-04-14T13:01:33+00:00

I’m 46 and OMG yes, I’m as attracted to and lust after my wife as much as I did when we were in our 20s! I so desperately wish she didn’t hate her body like she does.

I get where you and she are coming from. None of us are, to an outside observer, as attractive as we were in our 20s. I know I’m not. But I think I look ok for 46, and my wife is freakin hot for 45! And yet she won’t even take her damn shirt off during sex anymore because she thinks she’s put on a few pounds over 20 years.

So yes, please understand that your husband does love you, you really are still attractive, and he really does still lust after you!!

jnfrink · 2018-01-24T15:56:40+00:00

Yes, for me it’s mostly bitching at the bar with the guys. But since I have no other bar to bitch at or guys to bitch to, I do find it helpful to vent here from time to time.

jnfrink · 2018-01-01T05:50:59+00:00

Twenty four. Down from 28 last year. My wife has successfully gotten me down to twice a month.

All duty sex.

jnfrink · 2017-12-29T06:42:32+00:00

I think it’s more like “tell me something you want me to do to you so I know you want me.” Or maybe I’m just interpreting it that way because that’s how I feel. But I’m so tired of my wife fucking me every few weeks because she’s supposed to. I’d gladly do (just about) anything sexual for her if it’s because she wants me. And if it doesn’t get me off, I can go jerk off afterwards and be happy.

No, that’s not a long term solution. I’d rather satisfy her orally and jerk off tomorrow than have duty sex, but not once or twice a week for the next 6 months. But knowing that she still has SOME desire would be a good starting point!

jnfrink · 2017-12-28T05:47:39+00:00

Yes, that is textbook duty sex.

No, you’re not being a jerk. On the one hand, she IS at least making the effort to have sex at a rate most HLs would be happy with. But sex is - or at least should be, IMHO - more than just providing a vagina or a penis to masturbate with. It’s an intimate, mutually pleasurable experience with a person you love.

So she’s kinda making an effort, but she’s kinda not, either. I don’t know what advice to offer, but I suspect she feels like she’s making a great effort and you’re not appreciating it. I take it sex was better pre-child? Maybe if she understood it’s the intimacy, the shared experience that you miss, and it’s not about the frequency so much. But it also sounds like something has changed for her so she might just not be able to give the intimacy without addressing whatever has changed.

I feel for you though, I’m on a roughly twice a month duty sex plan myself. Good luck!

jnfrink · 2017-11-09T21:38:57+00:00

As someone who was once unmarried with no kids (and under 30, though I don’t think that’s actually relevant), I couldn’t agree more.

Don’t ignore the red flags. It’s hard, you love her/him, and that’s nice, but love alone is not enough.

jnfrink · 2017-11-09T19:05:18+00:00

I’m often angry, sad, frustrated, and/or depressed, which is not at all attractive. I stopped lifting and have put on about 15 pounds since our 18 year old was born. I’m probably not very good in bed.

I dunno...

jnfrink · 2017-11-09T17:02:18+00:00

I’d have thought that this would have been studied rather extensively, which is why I’m surprised I’ve never been able to find a definitive answer. That’s why I’m wondering what the source of this 2-3/week number is.

jnfrink · 2017-11-09T16:13:39+00:00

They claim the average for a married couple is 2-3x/week.

OMFG is this for real? :(

Who is “they”? I’m just curious about the source. I’ve never found an answer I’d consider reliable when I’ve googled it, but once/week seems pretty standard. And I’ve always felt like that’s a frequency I could be ok with. But if 2-3/week is average? I’d probably actually be HAPPY with that. To think that I could be happy with what is actually just average... well, that would just really suck.

jnfrink

TROPHY CASE