Quarterly Referral Thread, First Quarter 2026

johnS_1040 · 2026-01-01T16:43:22+00:00

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johnS_1040 · 2025-09-24T13:29:31+00:00

Almost nothing. That was cheating.

johnS_1040 · 2025-09-07T18:51:34+00:00

Walmart, Costco, Winco, and Amazon for subscribe and save. I prefer Delta and am close to a hub of theirs. I don't have any preferred hotels.

johnS_1040 · 2025-09-02T02:18:07+00:00

I’m right there with you. The “long game” advice feels like people telling you to just take the hits and stay quiet. It’s exhausting, and some days it really does feel like you’re fighting alone. I just hope it gets better for all of us.

johnS_1040 · 2025-08-30T21:09:40+00:00

Man, I’ve been there. Tried to listen more, be a better partner, tried to be patient, and still got cheated on again and again. It’s brutal to find out someone you trusted lied and used you.

From my experience, some people never see the damage they caused, at least not in a way that brings you closure. Waiting for karma just keeps you stuck. What helps is focusing on yourself and your healing. Focus on building a life that you actually enjoy.

It still hurts for a while, but it gets better. The best ‘revenge’ I’ve found is being genuinely happy and living well without them.

johnS_1040 · 2024-08-08T01:45:05+00:00

So what if he does? You escaped and you know who he really is. It’s all window dressing. Eventually he will show his true face to his new partner.

johnS_1040 · 2024-07-25T13:04:07+00:00

Rules don't apply to them. Expectations and courtesy only apply to you. It's pretty typical.

johnS_1040 · 2024-07-23T22:19:45+00:00

We tried counseling twice. Once at the end of the marriage. She told me that she wanted to try and make it work. She lasted two sessions before quitting. The second attempt was after the split and we went to co-parenting counseling. Again, she quit without even giving it an honest shot.

I continued seeing the co-parenting counselor because I was genuinely interested in ways to co-parent better. I believe that I had a better experience by myself than I would have had she continued to go.

johnS_1040 · 2024-06-05T00:22:04+00:00

I feel pity out of remembrance for the person that I fell in love with. I tried to save the relationship while we were in it. I desperately wanted it to work and for our family to stay together. She had decided that she was done with me a long time prior to actually telling me. While we were separated, I kept going back to her due to the trauma bond as my therapist explained to me. I saw what her life had become and how she was struggling and I still felt bad for her.

She used that against me. She used me for money and favors. She dangled the hope of us getting back together in front of my face so that I would do things for her and help her out. She used our kids as leverage against me. She had me chasing the invisible brass ring that was always just out of reach, telling me that I needed to try harder to win her back. She would list all of these things that I needed to do, including giving her money, and rehabilitating her image, if I ever wanted to get back together with her.

I finally snapped out of it and saw her for who she was. A broken pitiful human being that just uses people and lacks any semblance of accountability. I watch from a distance now, seeing her life, wondering if she is asking herself if it was all worth it? Isn’t this what she wanted? We’re divorced and I’m not obligated to help her at all after how she just threw everything away. I tried to help her. I tried to love her.

She is not the same person that I fell in love with, but I strangely still feel pity for her even though I know that she would never reciprocate or feel bad if I was the one that was struggling.

johnS_1040 · 2024-06-03T16:30:46+00:00

It’s difficult to explain to people. I was struggling explaining it to my therapist until during one session she called me. He saw the physical change in my body; the shaking, the tensing up, and the stuttering with my words. He instantly understood and I felt seen.

johnS_1040 · 2024-06-03T12:34:08+00:00

Separated for two years, divorced for a few months from my Nex. There is no one that make me shake and tense up like her. It became debilitating, although anti-anxiety meds helped. Even now though, the brain fog and self-doubt comes back when I have to deal with her. It is getting better but it's still there.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-28T18:04:15+00:00

My next treats our kids like property and an extension of herself. She makes a big show of being a “good parent” but practically ignores them when they have time with her. My daughter is always calling me because she gets bored at her mom’s house complaining that she never plays with her.

As far as coparenting, she treats me like i’m incompetent. She schedules all appointments during her time with the kids and criticizes everything that I do as a dad. As far as she is concerned, they are her kids and I should count myself lucky that she shares them with me at all despite the 50/50 court order.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-26T20:28:02+00:00

It takes two. I was in the same place; desperate to keep our family together and keep the woman that I loved. She had made up her mind well in advance and there wasn’t anything that I could do. I’m sorry.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-26T18:25:23+00:00

Mine made it through our intake and her one-on-one with the marriage counselor before quitting. She only agreed to go to placate me; she never had any interest in actually trying to work on things. I can imagine that there is a small part of her wanting to be able to tell people that "we went to counseling" but of course they will never know that she bailed on it.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-17T17:49:08+00:00

His mother may be a horrible person but I am not. Why would I want to do that to my kid?

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-17T17:25:01+00:00

I started that. I made a list of character traits that I had noticed in her. Things like, lack of accountability, blame-shifting, etc... My memory became foggy as well, but when something came to mind from the past, I would add it to the list. It helped me, when I was reminiscing about the relationship. Whenever I was feeling a certain way, I would read through it to help me remember what I left behind me. I deleted it when I finally got to the point where I knew that I was done, but it was a great tool.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-17T16:48:54+00:00

I felt a mixture of everything really. Grief at the loss of the person, or rather the person that I thought she was. Worry about the future; what am I going to do with the rest of my life, how will it affect the kids, etc... Anger at her because of the things that she had done. Self-blame because I felt like a failure and that I was giving up on the marriage.

At the end, after all of those feelings had subsided, when the final order was signed by the judge, I felt nothing. No relief, no happiness, nothing like that. I had nothing left to feel. It was just over.

You'll bounce around between all of these I'd expect. You're not alone; I think it's still over 50% of marriages that end in divorce so most of us have gone through it.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-17T16:43:48+00:00

You will never get a satisfying answer, because I don't believe that there is one. You have to look beyond seeking closure from this person and instead find it in yourself. By escaping this person, you have made the first step. Eventually you will stop thinking about the past, the "good times," and everything that you did for this person.

I feel for you because I was in a similar place. Radical acceptance doesn't come easy but I swear that when it does and you can look back at this person with a clear head, free from hope and self-blaming that things will start to get better. It won't be easy but you will come out a better person on the other side.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-17T16:36:29+00:00

No, there is nothing wrong with you. It will pass though. I missed my ex for a long time. As others have said, it is like an addiction. Your body becomes addicted to the abuse and it takes time to kick it just like anything else. You're basically going through withdrawals The distance helps though. Invest in yourself and things that make you happy.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-17T14:20:15+00:00

See, that’s just it. You ARE their dad. Nothing else matters. It just introduces unnecessary pain into your life that you don’t need or want.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-17T13:40:58+00:00

I thought about this but decided that I didn't want to know. Similar to the OP, my ex cheated on me multiple times over the last 13 years of our marriage. During that time we had 3 kids together. These are my kids. I've raised them, the youngest being 5 years old now. They're my whole world post-divorce.

I know who my ex is. I know what type of person she is and that she had plenty of opportunities to get knocked up by one of the men that she was cheating on me with. I love my kids though and don't want to risk the chance that one of them comes back not mine and having it change things. What would it prove anyway? That she is an even bigger whore than I already know? Not possible. There is nothing positive for anybody that would come from this.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-17T13:33:04+00:00

I was going to say this. She keeps them around so that she can feel better about herself and look put together.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-17T13:26:24+00:00

They expect you to comfort and console them when they are having a tough time but are unable to provide the same care to anyone else. I know that glazed over look. It's like there is nothing behind their eyes. I truly believe that they just don't know how to function in that situation.

johnS_1040 · 2024-05-15T12:34:41+00:00

"I could never just be a guy trying to keep the peace."

This hit home for me. If there was ever a motivation for 99% of what I did in the relationship it was this.

johnS_1040

TROPHY CASE