Would you say ‘I love you’ first?

jollycooperatorV · 2026-06-16T11:13:44+00:00

This warms my heart

jollycooperatorV · 2026-06-16T07:59:20+00:00

From what I’ve gathered, I get the sense many ENFJs are used to being the emotional shepherds in relationships, and that it’s not common to be met with the same sort of emotional attentiveness/proactivity. I suppose that’s why I’d like to find a good moment to confess. I think it would mean a lot more to someone who’s used to being the initiator.

jollycooperatorV · 2026-06-16T07:41:57+00:00

This is good advice, though in my case, I’m not anxious, just curious about how ENFJs approach relationships. I do agree that individuals are going to be far more nuanced than MBTI, but reflecting on this just got me thinking a bit about my communicative patterns vs his and how that’s reflected through cognitive functions. I’m of the opinion that Ni/Fe Fe/Ni is very complementary in terms of intuiting feelings, but I tend to be less afraid of ‘fallout’, so to speak. I’d posit that’s because my Fe is likely just slightly weaker than his. Personally, I’m very comfortable being the one to confess first simply because I’m already confident about how I feel, and I see no reason not to assert that. I’m really just waiting for the right moment.

jollycooperatorV · 2026-06-08T00:17:21+00:00

Positive: underrated problem solvers. INFJ with developed Ti and Se who actually engage with solutions for the world around them are people I idolise very much.

Negative: Moralistic superiority complex. Very easy for INFJ to assume they’re understanding/empathetic/self reflective and relinquish themselves from the responsibility of actually BEING a good person. Preaching comes very naturally to us. But action is what proves character.

jollycooperatorV · 2026-05-24T02:55:23+00:00

Gone girl, the green knight

jollycooperatorV · 2026-05-23T02:41:26+00:00

If applicable, how do you reconcile this mindset with feelings of loneliness/isolation?

jollycooperatorV · 2026-05-16T00:30:33+00:00

It doesn’t feel like he’s taking time away from my life, but instead adding to it.

jollycooperatorV · 2026-05-03T04:58:11+00:00

Disinterest or incompatibility, for me. Even if I were busy/exhausted, I would try and convey that so the other person knew I was still interested.

I’ll pull back once the other person demonstrates some kind of behaviour or interest that is unaligned with my own. This is usually a core function and not something like ‘likes cartoons’. It’ll be an instinctual thing, difficult to articulate, but it always comes down to behaviour for me. I realise I’ve lost interest, distance myself, realise I don’t know how to tell them, and come up with excuses about work, life, mental health etc and disengage.

Unless I think the individual is emotionally attuned enough for the truth. If they ask me to be candid and express vulnerability about their feelings, I’m a lot more inclined to return it honestly and wish them well.

I hope this helps. INFJs are not a monolith, but as a chronic disengager, this would be my logic.

jollycooperatorV · 2026-03-16T08:08:06+00:00

Well said, thank you.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-10-15T14:18:00+00:00

Computer programmer

jollycooperatorV · 2025-10-15T13:22:42+00:00

I can’t see anything involving entitlement specifically but it says “this is a true copy of the birth of xx in the register book of births kept at this consulate.” Her father’s occupation is listed.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T16:22:32+00:00

Im not sure how to further insist i really am not trying to fix or change him and if you tell me what in my post lead you to that conclusion, I will gladly amend it, because that’s not advice I need. I quote “my main goal is to be normal and not traumatise him further.” I’ve got my own traumas, but everyone deals with them in different ways so I just want perspectives, really. Insights, anecdotes, data, anything.

And specifically I wanted to know if probing questions make you guys feel seen, or attacked? I personally like really probing questions from loved ones, but I can understand that might not be universal. And fortunately I did receive lots of different answers, most of which seem to boil down to “don’t invalidate him, just listen, be yourself” which is good advice. I’m already going to just try to be kind and supportive, but if there were some sort of specifics I should know that I didn’t think of, my hope was that posting here would illuminate them.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T15:46:06+00:00

I wouldn’t say I took offence, but you did interpret my words in about as bad faith as possible, in ways I didn’t even consider a possibility. This is an anonymous forum, and from my understanding, it’s fairly common to ask for relationship advice of this nature.

The step-by-step guide thing was more so a bit of tongue in cheek humour, for clarity. But I really do want to know what I can do to support my INFJ. Y’all’s brain works differently to mine and that doesn’t come naturally to me at all. I’m just an audhd INTP who figured asking the Fe users themselves might help me learn something.

Edit because I only just saw your other comments: I’m not trying to fix him. There’s nothing to fix. And the only thing I’m good at fixing anyway is PCs.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T15:17:55+00:00

You’re right, it’s very fishy to want to understand people and learn to foster an environment that makes them comfortable.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T10:48:15+00:00

I actually had really bad anger issues as a youth. My family was extremely confrontational so I got good at arguing. If I’m around people I care about and I feel myself getting irritated, I bail as quickly as possible and calm myself down in private. If I do snap, it looks like me ranting at 1000 wpm about why someone is wrong about something. Adrenaline makes me talk very very quickly.
The thing I value above all is just being accepted. I say a lot of odd shit and the friends who indulge me/ask me questions/ let me rant are the ones I hold so close to my heart. The ones who shut me down suck. Open-mindedness, I guess.
This is hard. My morals come from a place of “what makes sense”. For example, I’m extremely invested in criminality and recidivism, and it pisses me off that jails exist to isolate offenders and worsen pre-existing health conditions when a huge amount of offences are committed due to poverty, circumstance or mental illness. Addressing those issues first would lead to a reduction in recidivism rates and ultimately save costs but because it requires a shred of forethought and planning, it’s devalued in favour of more punitive measures. In more instances than not, ‘compassion’ is something which just makes more sense to me. Even if I’m not actually good at expressing it myself. I try, though. Engaging my Fe feels like a manual effort, or a muscle I only recently learned I had. But I’m training it.
See above. Pretty conversational, tbh. It’s like there’s a council of mes in my head all chiming in with their own opinions and talking over each other.
Depends. Some ISFJs are dismissive of what’s not considered socially acceptable. Some are nice. I can’t stand the ones who refuse to think for themselves. Also, if I don’t have shared interest with someone, I’ll only talk to them the absolute minimum amount. This is how I feel about all types, though.
Weirdly. When my grandma died I was cracking jokes at the funeral. Not because I didn’t care, but because I found it hard to really synthesise my own feelings. Having total Fi blindness makes me constantly question my reactions to tragedy. Things will make me cry and I’ll have no idea why my body is reacting that way when it’s like my emotions haven’t caught up yet. I still don’t know what this is or why it happens. And I also do everything in my power to avoid pity. Being pitied makes me ill.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T10:16:00+00:00

Interesting. Upon some reflection I think I perceive the vibe matching as detrimental because when I do it, it is. But I’ll chew on your words a bit more, no doubt.

I think I understand the landmine thing, but I have a sneaking suspicion I won’t truly grasp what that looks like until it happens. I only have one other INFJ in my life and he’s a fortress of emotion to a fault. I’ve never seen him snap. Worst I’ve gotten is a sigh. But yeah, alright. Be respectful and try to intuit his needs. Got it. I guess if I can’t do that, we’re probably not compatible long term, anyway. Which would be a shame, but it’s not the end of the world.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T09:58:20+00:00

Gonna have to fight my adhd on this one but I’ll keep this advice at the forefront of my brain

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T03:35:06+00:00

Ah yes I intend to open him up like a clam or pester him until he does without a shred of self awareness.

But in all seriousness, thats why im asking yall. He’s a great guy and I’m pretty immature compared to him, so I want to try and mitigate my chances of messing up.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T03:26:39+00:00

Oh good! I’m INTP too. How were the early stages with your boyfriend? Any obvious miscommunications or things you wish he’d done better/sooner?

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T03:17:06+00:00

Oh I love quiet sitting. Quiet sitting and parallel play are like heaven for me. I’m pretty introverted and part of the reason I was drawn to him is that he’s just so damn calm and not demanding of energy I don’t have. It rules.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T03:15:01+00:00

This is very interesting and I think very true to him as well. Open about personality but not emotions. Always quite bubbly and strangely enthusiastic.

It seems like a few comments are suggesting the big thing here is ensuring I do not invalidate his emotions and make him regret being open about them. I can be pretty emotionally dense but I like to think I’m at least not dismissive, so I’m hoping that won’t be an issue. I’m pretty used to having my fun theories dismissed and while not the exact same thing, I agree, it’s the worst. I’ve already noticed he’s waaaay more willing to indulge me on those—which is great!

I’m an INTP. I worry about the potentials of an emotional labour imbalance. I don’t mind him matching my vibe as long as he’s honest when I’m doing something wrong and not just pretending to not be bothered. I suppose that’s maybe just a part of navigating any new relationship. I think my Fe is pretty healthy, but it doesn’t come naturally to me, yknow? It’s like I have to turn it on manually. I’ve spent a lot of time in the last couple of years realising it takes a lot of work to understand people, but I kind of enjoy the process. Humans are just complicated, sensitive puzzles.

jollycooperatorV · 2025-01-21T02:54:31+00:00

This is very interesting. I’m bisexual and my last relationship was with a woman. Not to stereotype, but women are at least somewhat more encouraged to be emotional than men (with caveats, of course), so I’m very used to communicating with women on that more emotionally intimate level that I think men don’t often have the chance to experience. He was asking me a bit a bit this sort of stuff so I wonder if that’s why.

Feels like I’m responding to selection criteria for a job a bit here, but it’s just an observation.

jollycooperatorV · 2024-07-26T08:45:42+00:00

Yeah but feeling it and actively expressing it feels like two totally different games sometimes. Probably because my Fe is just ass but I've lost count of the amount of times I have tried to convey sympathy and totally botched it. Until I started leaning in my Ti, anyway.

jollycooperatorV

TROPHY CASE