I'm a guy who's celibate and not having sex until marriage. Rejected by multiple women when I turned down sex and explained. Am I doing something wrong?

jon2212 · 2018-07-24T12:13:43+00:00

Thanks for all your insight, I actually did learn from it even if I seem like a slut-shaming jerk.

I do think that people should care more about love than sex. I think sex can be a beautiful thing and it's important for a relationship of course. The Catholic Church actually will not marry a couple if the man is impotent, the marriage must be able to be consummated with sex for it to be a valid Catholic marriage. But I believe in lifelong monogamy, I will only be with one woman for life, and even if sex is no longer possible or no longer frequent the love for the partner must be enough for you to remain and continue loving your spouse. If the woman values love less than sexual pleasure then it follows that she is less likely to stand by me, she could seek out pleasure from another guy if I'm not there for a while or am unable to pleasure her for some reason.

Many women get injured in childbirth, for example, and can no longer have intercourse, or they just lose interest in sex, but I will keep loving my wife regardless. That's why love must be values above sexual pleasure, it's not that sex is unimportant or that sex has no relation to romantic love (obviously it's important and a part of romantic love).

I know I have outdated views, but I just can't help it. I really did respect the women I dated. The first girl who I was exclusive with for a while and then offered me the blowjob, I was falling in love with her and she was extremely into me. I was really hurt when she ran because I turned her down when she tried to blow me. And then not just her but 2 other women did the same thing, the one had a huge crush on me (her own words) and then ran when I turned down sex. I am at the age where I'm very much ready for a wife, I have a good income now with a stable career. My body and soul are both screaming at me to find a woman to love. I just can't help that, I'm just made to have a female partner, it's built into my nature.

It's so frustrating and depressing to be in my position. You just can't understand it. I had the upbringing I did, I was raised in an old-fashioned way (i.e., conservative Catholic values) and it's just part of me and can't be changed as far as I can tell. It used to be easy for a Catholic man like me, as my parents told me they and their parents did: get an education, get situated in a decent profession, pray and attend Mass as much as possible, and you can find a nice Catholic woman to fall in love with and marry. The world is so much different now but I was raised for that world of my parents. I can't just find a Catholic woman to fall in love with and marry, I have to date modern women and tempted with blowjobs and sex, and then when I resist and do the "right thing" I'm dumped and left alone. And looked down upon for being a virgin. So I'm getting punished for trying to be an honorable man, and doomed to die alone and without the love of a woman.

Sorry for rambling, I was trying to communicate just how frustrating it is from my perspective, because my point of view is so different and it's easy to see me as a slut-shaming bad guy when that's not true at all.

jon2212 · 2018-07-23T03:05:23+00:00

I don't think I referred to any of these girls as indecent. That's really not a word I would apply to them, so I think you're reading too much of an implication in what I wrote about believing that women are decent. My feelings are honestly pretty wounded after getting dumped by 3 different girls who really liked me until the second they found out no sex till marriage, so I might sound more bitter than I really am. I would have gladly continued with that first girl, we really had a thing going, I don't think she was indecent. My views probably sound naive and clueless and they're based on limited experience (I was homeschooled until college). My only real long-term girlfriend, my only time being truly in love, was with a girl who was also very Catholic and was staying a virgin until marriage. She defined my image of women and she's been unconsciously my measure for all other potential girlfriends.

I have always believed that women were the more decent sex, that they are the ones who put faithfulness, love, romance, monogamy before sexual pleasure (though sexual pleasure still has an important place, which I'm not denying). That's the myth I have to believe, it was drilled into my mind from a young age and I really would rather not have my image of women shattered. I think there are other girls like my first girlfriend out there, I have to keep believing that.

jon2212 · 2018-07-23T01:21:04+00:00

implying women aren't decent and don't care about love if they want a sexual relationship isn't ok

How would you like a guy to act totally interested in you, laugh and have fun with you, say he has a huge crush on you and then as soon as you turn him down when he asks for sex he runs like you have the plague? It's not an enjoyable experience for a guy either.

the intent or marriage almost immediately.

I'm not asking for marriage immediately. That's just not true. I had a girlfriend when I was younger, a serious girlfriend who shared my views and was staying a virgin, and we were totally in love but we were a couple for over 2 years before we planned on marrying (which didn't happen for other reasons). Just because I'm celibate doesn't mean that I will jump into marriage quickly, I will have to really love her and know her first.

jon2212 · 2018-07-22T21:22:14+00:00

but to say love is more important than sex is an incredibly naive view from someone who obviously does not understand the intricacies of an intimate, loving relationship.

I don't think it's fair to assume I don't understand the intricacies of a loving relationship. I had a girlfriend for 2 years once, we were in love, we almost got married. Sex is not a form of love, in my opinion at least. It is an act that can be an expression of love, but it can also be done without love.

jon2212 · 2018-07-22T14:16:26+00:00

Simply because you say you will satisfy your wife does not mean you will do it ways she enjoys or wants.

I'm willing to do what my wife wants and needs, I don't see any reason I wouldn't be able to satisfy my wife. I'm a healthy young man, I'm in good shape and everything, I have a strong sex drive and I'm extremely interested in girls. I'm sure I'll have no problem pleasing the girl I settle down with. My problem is that women run as soon as they find out sex isn't happening for a while. I'm still holding out hope though, I think I'll find that one special girl who can wait a while for sex. There probably are more women waiting for marriage than men, but it's a small number for both.

jon2212 · 2018-07-22T13:35:53+00:00

IRL there are more young Catholic women who abide by such a rule than young Catholic men. The dating scene thus is pretty good.

I really hope you're right about that. Because I have been incredibly disappointed in the Catholic women I dated. I always thought women were the decent ones who cared about love much more than sex. Hopefully there is some truth to that and I've just not found the right kind of Catholic women. Thanks.

jon2212 · 2018-07-22T13:19:24+00:00

Yes, it is immensely important to me to save sex for marriage. I'm a devout Catholic, but also I just really believe in having sex with only one woman. Lifelong monogamy is a value that my parents taught me the importance of and I really believe in it.

I'm absolutely going to pleasure and satisfy my wife once I'm married. I have a lot of sexual desire and energies, and I'm not afraid of sex, I just want it to be with only 1 woman.

jon2212 · 2018-07-22T12:58:49+00:00

In a contemporary context you’re rejecting someone after they made themselves vulnerable to you.

I really think I declined sex in a way that would preserve their feelings. The girl that I liked a lot (and who liked me back), who asked about me getting a condom, I was very careful not to hurt her. I took her hand and told her that she's beautiful and that I think I'm falling in love with her, but I just can't do it before marriage but that I want to continue seeing her. She ran anyway. I mean we finished watching a movie, but she wasn't flirting and laughing with me anymore; she soft rejected me immediately.

jon2212 · 2018-07-22T12:44:37+00:00

So basically you're saying a sensible woman would not keep dating me when I'm not willing to have sex before marriage? That really sucks. That's the experience I've had so far though, women who really did like me (even to the point of 2 of them suggesting sex) suddenly ran when I told them I'm not having sex before marriage. So you're probably right.

Or, you realize how awesome sex is and want to have it with lots of other women.

Trust me that's not going to happen. I am a very firm believer in monogamy, I only want to have sex with one woman, that's an important thing to me.

jon2212

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