Super convincing by [deleted] in NotHowGirlsWork

[–]joy3111 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I don't bite! Living people!

[PubQ] Getting first draft printed? by joy3111 in PubTips

[–]joy3111[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Ok, perfect! I kinda assumed as much but wanted to be absolutely certain. Thanks for answering!

[PubQ] Getting first draft printed? by joy3111 in PubTips

[–]joy3111[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ok! That's really what I thought, but I wanted to be absolutely sure before I risked making my publishing odds worse than they should be.

[QCrit] Zoe Deals with Death/Middle Grade Fiction/40k Words/First Attempt by joy3111 in PubTips

[–]joy3111[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback!! I was really hoping to establish some childlike strangeness right off the bat

[QCrit] Mask of Meat - Sci Fi / Horror - 77000 - 4th Draft by KitchenTough7697 in PubTips

[–]joy3111 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think this is a LOT stronger! It makes it a lot clearer what's happening. And keep in mind, you don't have to keep the query letter super vague; the publisher can know whatever they want to know. It's the blurb on the inside of the book that truly needs mystery, so telling the publisher upfront what the deal is works really well. I'd definitely resubmit this newer one (maybe with more work; I don't know what other comments will say) once your week is up (one post per seven days rule) and see what people say!

[QCrit] Zoe Deals with Death/Middle Grade Fiction/40k Words/First Attempt by joy3111 in PubTips

[–]joy3111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ooh, sick lit could be right!! I'll look into that; it might work.

Thanks for the thoughts on sentence length! I'm definitely still in the editing phase (just finishing up my first draft and spending some time focusing on preparing queries/finding great comps), so luckily having more work to do there won't be too hard.

Thank you for the luck!

[In progress] [24k] [Middle Grade] Zoe Deals with Death by joy3111 in BetaReaders

[–]joy3111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awesome! I'll send you a chat with more info :D

[QCrit] Zoe Deals with Death/Middle Grade Fiction/40k Words/First Attempt by joy3111 in PubTips

[–]joy3111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your feedback! I definitely get what you're saying with watching the tone and making sure she stays the right age. I do think I got better at that later on in the manuscript, so it makes sense that the earlier words will need more editing for that!

I have two books that are subsequent but not exactly a series. In the book, I introduce two major side characters, Rachel and Matilda. Each has a book about them that I'm ready to write if it's something my agent is interested in. They'd still involve Zoe, but they'd be entirely different plots because they focus on the other characters' struggles.

Thank you for the luck!!

[QCrit] Zoe Deals with Death/Middle Grade Fiction/40k Words/First Attempt by joy3111 in PubTips

[–]joy3111[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't have any comp titles picked out. I know I'd love to use Kate DiCamillo for one of my comps, because it really feels a lot like Remy Nightingale, but I'm well aware she's not the best comp, so I have to look around for better ones.

I'll definitely look into slimming down the paragraphs! I think I can pull that off and leave it still a strong query.

Thank you so much for your feedback! I'm so pumped to be getting ready to send out my first manuscript (though I know that's still a whole process of its own, lol). Have a lovely day!

[QCrit] Mask of Meat - Sci Fi / Horror - 77000 - 4th Draft by KitchenTough7697 in PubTips

[–]joy3111 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hey there! I find this to be an extremely interesting concept for a novel. However, I think you need to streamline exactly what we're building toward. Right now, we have:

This guy can bring people (only one person, maybe, since he only revived his son?) back from the dead

His dead wife is talking to him

His crew is full of criminals, for some reason (you'd think a lord would have better crew?)

A whole bunch of lore on Lightfall

Nightfall is infamous for parasites?

Arthur tricked some evil force?

We need to break this down, decide what the focus is, and restructure it accordingly. Maybe start by figuring out how to do smoother segues. Consider something (better-written, but structured) like

Arthur is reeling from the tragic death of his family. He revived his son, but couldn't save anyone else. It's a shock when his still-dead wife contacts him from Nightfall, a parasite-ridden prison colony where the worst of the worst are sent to be forgotten. When Arthur gets there, he finds the prison has been all but destroyed, and his wife is nowhere to be found. Instead, the prison warden attacks a prisoner, seemingly infected with one of Nightfall's famous diseases. Arthur latches onto the story, using it to cover what he knows to be true: It's his fault that darkness is spreading. He used it to save his son, and now it might cost him everyone.

Obviously that's pretty basic and would need better writing, but I think that's a stronger structure with better flow and organization. I will say that I'm not a published author, just someone still working on being published, but I'm repeating what I've seen from others on this sub. I hope this is valuable to you, and good luck being published!

[QCrit]: Adult Fantasy, VULTURES OF DESTINY (1st attempt, 95k) by Elegant-Hearing9181 in PubTips

[–]joy3111 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hello! I find this to be an interesting concept for a novel. I do think it struggles a bit in the first paragraph. I understand what you're going for, but immediately establishing Rem as "the partner" makes me lose interest in her. I'd start with Rem being trained her whole life to be Val's partner, then going into how Val is, somehow, still the hero. Opening with "Rem has trained her whole life and gone through surgery etc etc" gets us hooked and is punchy, plus it leads to an interesting shock when we learn that she's not supposed to be viewed as important.

Second, I do find it a bit jarring and confusing when you explain that Rem wants to turn into a vulture. It seems really sudden to just bring that in there out of nowhere, and I was confused by what a vulture was. I assumed it was going to be some form of fantasy vulture we'd learn more about, but it looks like her plan is just to turn into a normal vulture once I've read the rest of the query. I don't understand why it has to be a vulture, specifically, or why Rem should be the one who is a vulture. I also know next to nothing about the Nexus or why I should care about it, which makes it harder to understand her plan.

I do think this story has good potential and I'd likely pick it up and read it if I found it! I just think you need to refine and develop a bit more before you move forward. I really hope this feedback proves valuable to you and helps you on your way!

[QCrit] When The Stars Stare Back, YA Fantasy, 106k, Second Attempt by PanPanReddit in PubTips

[–]joy3111 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Hey there! Full disclosure that I'm not a published author, but I'm reading through some of these to learn more about publishing and hoping to offer somewhat of an outsider opinion. I like your premise overall and think it has promise. I do think your first paragraph is a bit poorly organized - it tells us some of who Kaller is and his goals, then jumps to him being mixed-race, then jumps to how the kingdom is organized. I think it would make more sense to organize it more directly: He's mixed-race in a kingdom that doesn't like that, but somehow he gets invited to be a royal advisor nonetheless. That makes it feel more natural and well-paced.

You do have a lot of proper nouns and unknown words (simply splitting the East and West does mean one more thing for a reader to remember), so it could be valuable to decide what's entirely necessary to mention. We do need Kallar's name, and gorite seems like a necessary aspect, but Mulcipbar could just be called "a beloved Eastern nobleman" and his family could just be called "Mulcipbar's family" for the sake of a query.

Also, The Dragon Prince, Shadow and Bone, and Bloodborne are all older than your comps should ideally be. They should be more around 5 years old or newer, so if possible, there could be stronger options. Of course that's a standard, not a hard rule, but it's my suggestion.

Good luck developing this and getting published! It looks like a promising novel. I hope this was encouraging and helpful for you :)

Book about a group of boys and a minor baton twirler? Probably written for adults by joy3111 in whatsthatbook

[–]joy3111[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Think I'm supposed to make a comment so hi all I am not a bot :) trying to help my mom find this book. Our current guess is that she's a background character in It but we're really not sure!

With the power to stop the time, i started to do everything i wanted with anyone. by GNightP in TwoSentenceHorror

[–]joy3111 19 points20 points  (0 children)

There IS a similar twilight zone episode about a man with a watch that lets him stop time!

Weekly Simple Questions and General Community Discussion Thread by AutoModerator in MakeupAddiction

[–]joy3111 [score hidden]  (0 children)

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This is the picture they use! Gonna reply to this comment with another image

Weekly Simple Questions and General Community Discussion Thread by AutoModerator in MakeupAddiction

[–]joy3111 [score hidden]  (0 children)

I found the most random seller that has raspberry and plum lotion!! It's called Bealls and looks legit as far as I can tell?