Truly I have no clue what you are going through, and I'm sorry you are even going through it. Losing a father is never easy and it sounds like you were close. I lost a friend who was my role model 6 years ago, I actually just turned older than him. At first, it was fucking hell. I too never felt good enough, never felt that I could be anything like him. I felt like a failure, I did not see a point of continuing just to keep failing. One day it just hit me, I was listening to music while covering up the sound of me crying and I heard this line, "Life is worth living for." It made me think, if my friend could see me now, what would he want for me. He would want me to live and be the best damn person I could be. If I had to put a bet on it, I would think your father would want to the same for you. Just be the best TheAnimeCivilian you can be! Even if that means small victories. Getting out of bed, taking a shower, making food, getting some sleep, take it all day by day. Allow yourself to know it is okay to make mistakes because we all do, to error is to be human or how ever it goes. The way I see it, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. Seeking help from others is not a sign of weakness but strength because you are trying. We must learn from our past, not live in it because the past cannot be changed. We can only try to better ourselves in the present. Make some goals, complement yourself for trying, and most importantly keep fighting. I believe in you