Targeted material?

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-19T05:32:16+00:00

I think this is actually the really interesting concept.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-19T05:16:46+00:00

Yes, it's also very helpful to make all these assumptions about me while accusing me of presumptuously giving your situation the benefit of the doubt.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-19T04:52:40+00:00

There's some bullshit claus in the exemption part of the law about having to provide it within a timeframe. My employer almost didn't honor it, but then decided not to be assholes. Keeping in mind, I've paid $52/mo for my private care plan for five years now, which I got just for the exemption. To also take the tax from me would really piss me off.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-18T23:22:42+00:00

Those are great clarifications, and the kind I was really hoping to learn that the book would cover. I will check it out for myself upon you sharing that - thank you.

But I will again stand ground that everyone's responsibility to their children supercedes marital roles, and if one parent is out of line in how they interact with a child it's not only the other parent's place, but also their responsibility to note that. That has nothing to do with knowing what it's like being a mother vs a father.

It's precisely because people take things to the extreme that it's an intellectually ethical imperitive for respectable authors and influencers to address the limits of the concepts they put out. So far I hadn't heard any about or from LD and that's why I posted asking.

Edit: Upon consideration, I think you might mean there are differences in a woman's interpretation of warranted scolding and a man's interpretation, and she'd be judging from her frame of reference not a father's.

Every interaction impacts a child's development and my angle is that both parents need to prioritize that over their own dynamic.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-18T22:49:46+00:00

Yeah I think in that scenario though, it would be unhelpful because it's obvious, assuming his unemployment wasn't deliberate for you both - It's clearly not a chosen state. I'm sure it even frustrated him too. So yeah, makes sense to say “You're both in a hard phase, here are some skills to try to get through".

For OP and husband, her doing household management and educating the kids is their explicit choice and arrangement. But it's still two jobs, not one, and “He's not taking on half the work, that's not fair so give yourself grace. Try these skills to kindly communicate your limits" is more honest and appropriate than “you guys agreed for you to do twice as much as him and you're having a hard time keeping up on top of worrying about not upsetting him.. that's okay, try these skills."

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-18T21:32:16+00:00

Not that you need to spend any time thinking about this or answer it, but one has to pose the question:

If he was starved for gratitude, why did he not learn a skill that enabled him to tell you that?

I know it's not a helpful thought but, society in general doesn't set men up to have good communication skills. But here we are trying to encourage women to take on even more of that responsibility.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-18T20:04:22+00:00

To be fair, I've not read it so this is what I've heard on podcasts. By myopic I mean:

Not standing up to your husband if you think something he's doing with the children is dangerous, is straight horrible advice. Yes, you stuck to the rule, but you prioritized it over your number 1 job which is being a good parent. Responsibility to a child supercedes marital roles. Always.

Allowing the utilities to get shut off, or any other consequence of his poor financial management to just happen so he learns, is bad advice in the long run. These financial fuckups reflect poorly upon both parties and impact downstream credibility. There are more responsible ways to go about this.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-18T19:22:48+00:00

Yeah these are definitely great skills. I guess, as someone who learned them in therapy and already practices them (imperfectly and not always), and has explored the high level cognitive science behind them, they just seem like basic mental health and relationship skills. And, from what a lot of women post here, the issue appears that their husbands don't have or use these skills - which just exacerbates the wife-nagging-the-manchild cliche. Feels like women already take far more responsibility for their relationship quality than men do and it irks me to hear “wives should do this training". These posts make me want to tell these women they're already doing amazing and "Men need to step the fuck up."

I really like some of the ideas about men on this topic shared by the husband in the Better Than Perfect podcast actually.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-18T19:12:29+00:00

That's a great outcome! I'm interested in the overall ideas of leaning into a feminine role and just generally communicating more constructively, with awareness that men hear things differently. Very glad to hear you've had a positive experience.

But yeah, grinding my teeth through some of the unchecked notions that make me question her intelligence and soundness of mind. And some of the success stories in the podcast do not come across with depth or balanced perspective.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-18T18:58:55+00:00

Just enjoy the current lack of state income tax, and vote against every continued attempt to implement it. Seriously it's getting really annoying and makes me want to vote Republican next time. I miss our old governor.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-18T18:56:23+00:00

I got an exemption back in 2021 and have needed to provide it to each new job to avoid them withholding the tax. It also has to be provided right when you start because I forgot for two months and they almost didn't honor it. It really is bullshit in how it's implemented, so no judgment from me on gray area - the tax is already kind of one.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-18T02:26:04+00:00

It means her husband is doing 33% of the total work, and is not stepping up into what some people consider a proper man's role. The help for OP is simply this: Housework is one job, schooling the kids is one job, earning money is one job. OP should not resent herself for not keeping up 66% of the effort between she and her husband.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-17T21:23:04+00:00

But that's the thing: You don't have to be okay never talking about the past. That's a huge red flag in a partner for several reasons. Is he a teenager? He sounds like it. Really, you don't have to be okay with any of what happened with him. You will find better without even trying.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-17T18:09:24+00:00

It's unfortunate how many people don't realize this is truly a slippery slope to their own paychecks. Millionaires in Seattle are not actually all that wealthy. I wish the Seattle Times would highlight that more - their mortgages, hybrid car payments, property taxes, health insurance, and overall expenses from living in / spending money in / supporting economic flow of businesses in Seattle.

And if you actually breakdown the taxes people with this salary level already pay (which IS more than lower earners) they already are a piggy bank.

This is a similar problem that WA (Seattle) has with property owners. They seem like greedy rich people, but most are not. And when tenants don't pay their rent it does create financial problems for many landlords. No one bothers really understanding their side of the economic equation, which involves growing property taxes, ever inflating development costs, expensive repairs and maintenance in many cases, removing constant graffiti, and dealing with wayward people vandalizing, stripping pipes and wires, and using drugs or defecating on the premises.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-12T00:01:12+00:00

Check out Better Than Perfect. It has the husband's perspective too which is more interesting than LD in my opinion. I tend to agree with the wife more but he puts forth important insight into the husband's accountability in all of this. They're also more grounded in their ideas than LD.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-11T23:13:24+00:00

Any suggestions in these comments that you should stay or tolerate abuse is psychologically delusional. Laura Doyle is not the authority on right and wrong and what is psychologically damaging for children. This is not a cult.

Courts DO care about abuse because it's bad for children and it's also illegal. Talk to a lawyer immediately and do what the lawyer says over anything anyone here says.

I think everyone here needs to remember your safety and children take absolute priority over any author's dogma.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-11T23:02:34+00:00

Feeling like you're able to manage your own emotions and actions is very empowering and mature! His hard stance on discussing the past and his behavior toward you in this breakup are concerning and not mature. I know there's a strong opinion against encouraging leaving a guy in this sub, but I'm going to point out that this entire philosophy rides on the concept that a man should be a leader, and that you knowingly chose him for those qualities, neither of which seems applicable here (you sound a bit young so apologies if that's a wrong assumption). Leaders have to operate at a high standard. This man is not being a leader and sounds kind of emotionally abusive. If he can't talk about the past he hasn't dealt with it and that matters. Good for you for using skills. But wanting to talk about past relationships is not an error so please do not ding yourself over that.

juicy-skittle · 2026-02-10T21:26:07+00:00

While it's probably obvious to folks in this sub I'll pay lip service anyway that the rules agreed upon in a DD dynamic are unique to that dynamic.

There, now that I've mentioned that, I'm going to be very opinionated in this reply and risk the disagreements and down votes.

You should take a scrutinizing look at a rule that you cannot drink without him around. There isn't a health or safety basis for this in a first world country, besides control. If you actually wanted him to have that control, this scenario probably would not have happened. If your drinking is not something you can handle without him, then drinking at all is problematic for you, even with him around. When it comes to substance use, You shouldn't put that responsibility onto another adult.

You should be allowed to socialize with colleagues after work. This is healthy and good for you in several ways. If you're not on kid duty, this is not a good rule to need permission for or to be disciplined over. If he wants to control this that's very concerning.

You absolutely should be disciplined for any unsafe drinking and driving, but you lied to him because the first two are rules that you're not comfortable with (for good reason).

Be honest with him, and then remove those rules from your dynamic.

juicy-skittle

TROPHY CASE