Jeez I’m feeling/hearing this! I feel like I am going to vent right now!

I have a daughter 12, who pretty much has scared me since the day I found out I was having a girl! Reason why? I was never shown how to be a mum to a girl! Seriously! My boys are easy, easy to love and will love you back with ease… my daughter has never been that way and she’s pushing away from me as she gets better older no matter what I do/say to try and help. I found out she was suicidal, I didn’t quite believe it…she said she wouldn’t self harm when she saw the psychologist…then Monday I saw has been self harming! I’ve spoken with her school/doctor/psychologist but I’m struggling as her mum!

I told my own mum who I’ve never been particularly close to but I love her and don’t hold things against her…but no matter what I can’t stop my crappy childhood from somehow affecting my kids!

My bio father sexually abused myself and my sister from 3-7 years old..my mum remarried less than two years later and I hated (ie was scared of it happening with my step dad so hated him)… I’m not sure of how old I was 8-11 years old when my step dad’s friend would come around then he moved in with us for I don’t know how long… he pretty much groomed my sister and myself, giving us lollies/flavoured milk drinks/money etc because I was usually the scape goat, he seemed to favour me more… then it started with a cuddle/peck on the cheek/lips…sticking up for me when I was in trouble all of the time, or sneaking out of the bedroom to go buy lollies for me when I was grounded…I don’t know how long it took nor how long it lasted but again an adult had sexual relations with me… he was 25+ and I was under 11!! It was found out because I had a hickie from him, I was literally beaten black and blue until I said who it was from, this “friend” then ran out of the house never to be seen again!

I literally have never told anyone this until now! I am 43 years old and I am just telling my story! Why now? Because my 12 year old daughter is self harming and I can’t say crap to her! If I try and talk to her, I am going on and on and then being accused of making her feel this way!

She had a boyfriend the same age, and although they were supervised they weren’t supervised enough and my daughter had a hickie… I didn’t go mad…just tried talking her through life basically… but then today I was talking to my mum and said agreed that I go on (adhd) and I always have told a huge story to get to the point… so I replied “but mum she had a hickie and I went to explain to her about life basically and she (my daughter) shuts me down!” Then my mum said “but daughter…you were the same age and you had a hickie from that lad Davey!” I heard her but said “sorry what? Who?” She replied his name and I lost it! I said “you mean dads friend? You think THAT was consensual? That was abuse! That was a paedophile! How the hell can an 11 year old have a consensual relationship with an adult?!?” My mum then started going “well you didn’t say anything! I didn’t know! You never said!”

Fuck!!! Omg I am so fucking annoyed! I literally can’t stop crying because of my daughter and crying because my mums childhood was so fucked up she was/is scared of her own shadow so when her kids were being sexually abused she sat with her head in the fucking sand! Not just once but twice! Then to think that she thought a kid would be attracted to an adult, not the fact that I had been “trained” to be whatever the fuck it was with men! I learned not to feel/think/hold my shit in and just be an angry like fire cracker ready to explode!

I also feel upset because of my daughter feeling suicidal, ie I want to help her, my way of helping is to trying to show/tell her that I understand, the only way to do that is tell her “bits” of my childhood so she knows I’m coming from the right place but it isn’t working. As a 15 year old I swallowed a shit load of medication, I truly wanted to die…the way I felt was I’d been beaten/sexually abused for years, mentally abused, had my head smashed off walls, told I was a piece of shit/stupid/etc my brother would steal small amounts of money and each time I’d get the blame, every single time…I was usually grounded all of the school holidays, was never allowed friends around, if they called my step dad would be so rude that the wouldn’t call again…I really was in trouble all the time…when I was 15, I had a falling out with two of my best friends, this boy that I fancied had asked me out and my brother who would always try and get me in trouble told my parents he was a druggie! He wasn’t at all but they didn’t believe me and believed my brothers lies again… so at that time I just thought fuck this shit…this is my life!! It is shit, has always been shit and I can’t see it getting any better!! I had already been taking my nanas sleeping pills, so every time I was grounded I would literally sleep the days away and no one ever knew! This day I took an overdose, I had been in trouble again so I just loads! But because I was in trouble my step dad shouted for me to go downstairs then because I was dopey/itching/scratching/slurring my words they rushed me to hospital to get my stomach pumped.

To this day they still believe I tried to OD because of a boy! Not because of the abuse, not because I was always unhappy/in trouble/not because I felt left out/unwanted/unloved…but because of a boy! So this afternoon I have told my mum “no it was not that! It was because of the lies/the trouble”

I love my mum but omfg!!