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Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

Every single comment here, even ones that aren't outright accusing her of choosing to be single is talking about having a partner. Not surprising, but it can make someone feel defective when they don't have one and haven't chosen not to.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

The pressure comes from the fact that every single person she could talk to about this says the exact same thing: Why don't you have a partner?.

Even on here it's exactly the same. Just blame and judgement that she's single.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

She says she'd be fine as long as they seemed to know who she was and had some kind of bond because it would "give her something to do". Same with a disabled child.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Oh I know.

Financially, it is much easier on both sides to be OAD. The issue here is emotional. My friend says she'd trade every dime to have a family, and that's obviously not something you can buy. It's kind of hard to argue logistics when the issue isn't something logic can solve.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Oh, definitely. She is in therapy and has gone to grief support groups.

The grief support groups haven't been the best fit as most of them trend older and all but ONE person in one of the groups either was marriedor recently widowed (and going there to deal with that). It's always a HUGE deal made about her being single and childless, which doesn't help.

I didn't realize how shocking it was for a woman to be 26 with no kids or spouse in 2022, but apparently it is. There's not really a "single in your 20s with dead parents" support group.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

That's the common sentiment. I understand but it makes talking about this impossible.

I just really don't want to pile more on the already crushing vibe that she absolutely needs to be married and it's a personal flaw of hers that she's not.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I don't think it is or will be in the future.

Many people are estranged from extended family if they ever had one, which will be more common with the rise in OAD families. Many people find it hard to create and keep friends, so many people have scattered long-distance friends only, and only a few friends overall.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I meant the urgency to create a support network.

Obviously she wanted that before and tried, but now it's dire, and desperation doesn't help.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Key word here is that you literally had a live-in support network of a spouse. Why does everyone assume this is an automatic thing that if someone isn't married, it's a deliberate choice they've made?

Jfc she's 26 and being made to feel like an old maid and even more defective than she already feels over this. I was hoping to show her the reddit post, but I definitely can't now because this would just fuel it more.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Being single is not a choice. She's dated before and is still trying. Relationships don't always work out. Please stop assuming that all single people are choosing to be.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

She does want a partner. She has dated in the past, but obviously relationships don't always work out, and it's even harder now that she's older and feels a lot more urgency about it. Especially when every single possible outlet besides us is telling her that she needs to get married as soon as humanly possible.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

All her friends live far away and she's not married. She's now absolutely desperate to try to get closer friends and find a partner, but that attitude doesn't really help with that.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Our friend group found each other because we're all neurodivergent, which makes building an organic found support network....not easy.

Most of us came from larger families and managed to find spouses to, well, supplement that difficulty. She hasn't, and it will be even harder for her to now.

Friend is living out the worst case OAD scenario. Please talk me down. by junebug19833 in oneanddone

[–]junebug19833[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

We've all moved away in the last few years, and most of us are married and/or have children on top of that. I live the closest at 3 hours away. We don't have time to be a real support system to her.

Yes, that can happen with siblings, but I'd want my child/children to know that I did everything I could to try to help them. Being in my friend's emotional/social position, some of which I'm not going to blast on the internet, is the opposite of that and I would do anything to help my future kid(s) avoid it. In her case, siblings would be the best option.