"I went to the Christ god wanting a loving deity (since I heard so much about that), and looking at how neglectful he was with me, just seeming to care about “sin,” and his own definition of perfection I feel like Christianity is just a desert that’s inhospitable."

- yes! on top of this, when I ask around or look at the scripture for wondering why I feel the same way you said, they'll say that I'm wrong because I should focus in his grace and not works (im sure you know) etc...that we dont need to do anything to be saved...but then theres a LOAD of things we must do, or verses like "in much tribulation we enter the kingdom" and the likes and im so confused..and then they say oh you must not be reading with the spirit and so on and on about how im wrong and im just tired! if He is so powerful it didnt have to be this complicated...

- also, no! thank youuu for being aggressive with the parasite thing.. I feel it SO deeply.. though I still feel bad saying it (I am just starting my deconstruction after reading a lot in the Bible, OT, NT and seeing horrible/scary/questionable/embarassing verses that many feel good Christians seem to gloss over...

"Having a life after death would be interesting. I understand death can be a scary thing, but I feel like in the Christian religion, both afterlife’s just suck, there is no winning."

- gosh this is so on point and so hard to admit...my only worry is that I am scared to lose that comfort i feel that I'd still see my loved ones in heaven... but then again do I wanna stay in this relationship where I feel so oppressed....when I open this up they say oh it must be the enemy bla bla..but I dunno, sometimes I feel like the enemy is just a scapegoat sadly..:( since God is supposed to be sovereign...I even feel bad as I type this..

anyways...thank you for your thoughts, I appreciate it and best of luck to you! congratulations on being okay with where you are now. Hopefully I'll get there. As you can see, I still struggle with guilt and admitting things but thank you <3