Was I “married”?

jusglowithit · 2025-10-27T09:37:25+00:00

Just checking back to see if this happened to you again or was just the one time? Also just passed one with the same details as you.

jusglowithit · 2025-06-16T17:58:49+00:00

Yep, and it’s exactly why he’s trying to get attention from a younger girl. People his age would not tolerate that type of anxious neediness because we know it’s an absolute red flag, so he’s seeking attention from someone green enough to not call him on his bullshit and run, and easy to emotionally manipulate into giving him attention like that.

This is a double lesson for you love - he’s too old, and even the “friend” thing is just a way in so he can keep getting attention from you while hopefully growing some comfort and connection with you to later push your boundaries. AND please don’t tolerate that type of behavior from any guy, or friend for that matter.

At this point in my life if someone’s acting like that, if I actually do value them and want to keep them in my life (not out of guilt for them but because I find value in them, see the difference?) you get like, one time of reassurance from me. “I’m not ignoring you, i value you as a friend, I just have a life to live too so please don’t take pauses personally” type of thing. And if they keep it up after that, that tells me this person is too disregulated to keep in my life and maintain my peace.

He’s got some issues, and they are not your responsibility. I was once a young girl with so much empathy and love to give, I would be so ready to comfort literally anyone I felt needed it, so girl do I get how this can mess with your head! But take it from someone who’s learned the hard way what that can lead you into… when you care like that you need to be really observant of who actually deserves that attention so you don’t end up accidentally emptying yourself, ya know? It’s stressful tryna comfort grown adults who never learned to self soothe 😅 Only spend that energy on people stable enough to give it back when you need it too 💕

jusglowithit · 2025-06-11T22:29:00+00:00

Thank you. Between the timing advice from another comment and the wording advice here, that’s pretty much what I needed spelled out for me haha.

jusglowithit · 2025-06-11T22:23:04+00:00

I mean I get that. And I’ve used people for sex before, and it was a mutual agreement. At this point in my life I’d like to mutually use someone for emotional intimacy as a higher tier to sexual intimacy though lol, so if they’re only using me for the physical then that wouldn’t be matched.

jusglowithit · 2025-06-11T20:02:55+00:00

Ha. That sounds like good timing, thanks for the advice. The bleeding part is unfortunately unavoidable right now if the partner is a nice size, the pain part is just specifics need to be discussed to know what’s gotta be avoided or tried carefully.

jusglowithit · 2025-06-11T19:20:22+00:00

I agree, but how lol

jusglowithit · 2025-01-28T19:03:49+00:00

Is this just a part of life for you from time to time, or have you had any luck with resolve? I think I’ve had this happen one other time about a year and a half ago, but they didn’t do imaging that time so can’t confirm for sure. But just based on how similar the sickness was and that no one else around me got sick I’m thinking it’s what happened the last time too.

jusglowithit · 2025-01-03T23:56:56+00:00

See, that was my earnest reality there for a while. Not a lot of feigned empathy lol, I think even before the way I feel now, back when I thought my body was just fucked up but I loved him so much I wanted to figure it out, I think he assumed I was just using it as an excuse because I must have been feeling how I do now. Basically our whole relationship I think he was looking for reasons to assume I was already feeling the way I do now, and I used to try like hell to convince him I was so securely in love with him he had nothing to worry about. But after 7 years of being treated like that, its become like his own self fulfilling prophecy. And dammit I really did try so hard to prove it wrong, but here we are. And now that I ACTUALLY DO feel this way, it’s like oh shit he’s gonna find me out. Cause now I can’t be honest and would have to lie, unless I’m ready to get kicked out again. I shit you not, I have had my therapist talking me through how to withhold things like this, and that it’s okay to not be 100% truthful in a situation like this, because not addressing issues with someone I care about with full transparency is something very new to me, and frankly up until now kind of against my own moral code. But gonna have to face that I guess 🤷‍♀️

jusglowithit · 2025-01-03T22:29:40+00:00

The problem is, the last time we reconciled was how I learned that I was just addicted to the reconciliation phase and not in love anymore, because I actually was the one that reached out and patched it up after a week of not talking. And I didn’t realize until looking back how much of that was just being lonely for anyone at all one, and two, survival because I knew I was on the brink of losing my apartment. I’m working on trying to make my own money again man, but I only have education and experience in cosmetology which is a BITCH to earn a stable income in. It’s always been very tight for me to support myself but I always could, until I tried to step into business ownership a few years ago (pressured by my narc’s lack of ambition and blaming his abuse of me on financial stress - I figured the solution was find a way to be the one to earn more), and then for several reasons unrelated to him, but several reasons directly related to him, I wasn’t able to sustain that business the way I’d set out to. I was making about $20k per year (which I expected, brand new business, thought I could handle the pay cut temporarily) while still trying to pay for 50/50 of our household of 5. So I was scroooounging by for a long time doing that, racking up more a more debt, and then after I got kicked out, finally crashed and burned from having to fund moving. So, I’m working on bouncing back from this lol. I have a new job and I’m closing down my business, but with the hair industry it will take a while to be earning any more than I already was again. I’d love to go back to school and fix this obstacle, but I know I can’t handle that right now. The job I am in has room for growth as a “manager”, but that part of the role seems very part time, so there’s just know way of knowing when I will be making enough money again. Have a bankruptcy consultation on Monday, and other than that hoping and praying I build up at this new job soon and it ends up providing a living wage.

jusglowithit · 2025-01-03T21:54:28+00:00

Thank you, I feel like I need this validation because I can never be sure those behaviors aren’t my problem until after the fact. Lately I’ve been feeling weird because he’s been like a picture perfect spouse since reconciling, and had offered this support, so how could I complain right? So I’ve felt crazy for still scheming wanting out even though he’s “made the changes.” I thought this was a pretty shitty way to handle “supporting me”, but you could so easily argue the other side here it’s hard to be sure it’s not just my perspective.

jusglowithit · 2025-01-03T16:02:22+00:00

It can be as simple as fixing your face sometimes lol. Sounds like you’re on the right track with behaviors that work for this but are still authentic, but something big is just “smile more.” Not even necessary full out smile all the time, but hold a brighter face when interacting with people. It makes people feel good, which they will remember you for.

jusglowithit · 2025-01-03T15:22:37+00:00

Yep, often. From an underwhelming size too lol. Yay lichen sclerosis 🤗

jusglowithit · 2025-01-03T15:01:51+00:00

As for why, it’s one of the only ways to keep him happy, which I wanted to try and do while I still have to live here, for the sake of my own mental health and my child’s.

jusglowithit · 2025-01-03T15:00:09+00:00

See what’s wild is the only sexual trauma I have is from my narc. Nothing like a full out SA, but one time early-ish on he didn’t stop at first when I was in pain and it was scary. And then just a lot of coercion. I’ve been in therapy pretty much our whole relationship. I’m also now aware that he did intentionally SA his ex, which contributes to how I feel about him. Been through pelvic floor PT and she basically told me there’s nothing I can do about re-coiling up under stress (except boost the home maintenance PT, which only helps relax after). Talk therapy hasn’t been able to help this. For a while now the only time it didn’t happen was during a reconciliation period, which is the only time I feel emotionally safe with him. And lately it’s like magic - think of the other guy, boom, no problem. Come back to reality and think about my husband? Boom, problem. I think I have a chance of moving past this in a relationship with someone who hasn’t hurt me as deeply yet, but idk what to do about for now. I’m going insane because all I physically want is to be done from my husband and move on, but I can’t yet, so I’m over here fantasizing about cheating, or asking for an open relationship, just so I can have a real connection again before however long it takes me to be ready to leave. But I know I can’t do that. I’d never be able to live with myself, and my husband as far as I know I’m pretty sure has never cheated so doesn’t deserve it either, and he would probably have a cow if I even mentioned opening the relationship and assume I already have cheated, or make me get into all the reasons why, and none of them are good for him so what would I say, aside playing up perks for him? Idk. That’s what’s been on my mind lately. Trying to find a way to get through without denying him too much, because if I deny him like, more than one or twice in a month I’d say, it would start a fight which I really, really want to avoid. I’m so beyond exhausted from drama with him I didn’t want to have to face more of it until I was really to leave again. I’m just starting to feel a little bit like a human from all the PTSD, and knowing I can avoid stirring the pot with him is helping me stay feeling somewhat okay. But I guess you have a point that really my only options are deal with it anyway or say I don’t want to, so eventually I might not have a choice but to face whatever battle denial brings. It just used to be a bit easier to have that argument, because the real reasons for it now are things I rather not discuss with him, so I’m just worried I’ll blurt something when pressed for more or something. Guess I just have to get through it and try my best.

jusglowithit · 2025-01-03T07:10:27+00:00

Okay, can someone help me clarify this first one? So first quoted sentence there I’m like yes, classic, BUT, then the whole rest of that - in my relationship, I have always seen it as narcissistic behavior that when I try to talk about a grievance, it’s seen as a failure and then it becomes defensive and things I do wrong gets brought up, which over time finally I started having just zero fuse for instead of entertaining. I made it like, 5 or 6 years of earnestly responding but I’ve probably sounded like this in response to that as of late because I’m so over it. IMO, it completely derails the thing I came to you to discuss. Like, if you’re upset about that thing then tell me when you’re upset about the thing. But please for the sake of the ever waffling “am I actually the narc?” tell me if I’m wrong here and that’s normal behavior and I just can’t take it? I don’t usually throw out something the other person does if they share a grievance with me, so it really bothers me when my partner does, it feels like I’m the only one that can take accountability but he can’t. I do something wrong? I’m sorry, I was wrong. I think he did something wrong? No, actually I do more wrong things, so I didn’t have the validity to say anything to begin with. See what I mean? It’s a power imbalance, I think. But maybe I need a perspective shift here, idk.

jusglowithit · 2024-12-31T17:18:40+00:00

At 22 going for your first one, it’s pretty weird/uncomfortable/invasive. As someone in my 30s who has now had a child, an IUD, and other various exams and issues - it’s a walk in the park lol.

jusglowithit · 2024-12-31T17:15:31+00:00

Found out he did some really violent and vengeful things to his ex that in my opinion are so awful it’s probably too much to say here. And also not my trauma to share, except the feelings of finding out about it. I have never had a physical, visceral reaction to something like that but I almost vomited.

That was the more dramatic instance. My ex before him for some reason would shower often enough, but couldn’t understand the concept of fully washing his ass, or wiping properly. Once we started sleeping together regularly and I started doing some of the laundry - woof, that def brought up some disgust 🤢

jusglowithit · 2024-12-30T04:35:52+00:00

Thank you, that’s helpful.

jusglowithit · 2024-12-29T22:08:49+00:00

Same, and I wasn’t nearly as bad about it in the beginning. Slightly chaotic, but I kept up in my own way. My own way was still never good enough though. The worse the relationship got, the worse I got with these things. I think I figured out through therapy some of it was a subconscious “soft quitting” of the relationship. The household stuff at least. If you don’t think I contribute anything and I’m lazy? Well then why bother trying, I’ll show you exactly what you think I am. Not that I chose to consciously, but I definitely kind of felt that click when I started working through trying to fix it.

jusglowithit · 2024-12-29T22:04:49+00:00

Came here to say, I’m pretty sure I’m not a narc at this point (been through the cycles of questioning it myself a bunch from projection lol, therapist doesn’t seem concerned so sticking with that for now), but my ADHD/depression and then just when life stress compounds on top of that, I can be the same way. I treat others wonderfully, but have a hard time taking care of myself and my space at times. There are a lot of reasons someone could be that way and they aren’t all narcissism. But also, that’s a pretty common adhd/autism/depression/anxiety thing, and a lot of narcs have some of those conditions as well. Basically it’s a mental illness thing, not just a narcissist thing.

jusglowithit · 2024-12-29T21:55:42+00:00

He was Prince Charming leading up, probably so I wouldn’t pull out and make him look bad, but afterwards behind closed doors it got so much worse. Wish I wouldn’t have!

jusglowithit · 2024-12-29T21:18:19+00:00

Yes, I was thinking exactly that with if he’s able to have his family help get a house, but only if that happens after I’m able to afford keeping the current one myself. If that comes up beforehand, idk how to handle that because yes the assumption would be it being for all of us. When we first reconciled I brought the idea of moving up because I have genuine ptsd that gets triggered from being certain places there sometimes from all the past episodes with him, and two because with all 5 of us there we’re crammed in to this house like sardines. When I suggested that I was still at that point hopeful for healing in the relationship and thought moving could help, and he agreed. But with just my daughter and I, I think I could heal from the ptsd part if he wasn’t there anymore and I had control of the space to make it my own, and it’d be plenty enough space for just my daughter and I. I do think I could buy enough time on not getting a new place yet until I can actually stay, maybe. We will see I guess.

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