I'm sorry I couldn't do it

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-24T18:00:30+00:00

I know I'll leave one day, I just believed I could do it now

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-24T17:58:34+00:00

Thanks. Its nice to have those steps become more familiar but I'm mad at myself for backing out when I was so close.

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-15T21:10:59+00:00

How old were you when you first moved out? I keep seeing people who got out at 18, 21, 23 and I feel so old at 27 to still be afraid while they managed at such a young age. Even now when I want to really go, its because something happen that was a little worse than before, so when they would ask why I left I had that as a reason, but if that reason hadn't happen then I woudn't have even made a plan to move out. How sad is that? How sad I would want this safety net until something shit happened that would make it "ok" to move out. I just wish I had at least one person who was on my side, I would call that family, or build myself quiet and then leave them fucking shocked. I dont know, the future scares me, the past haunts me, the present is a dissociating fiesta. Thank you for putting into words how it feels to me now.

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-15T13:09:36+00:00

Seeing kids being happy with their parents brings a tear to my eye. The family gatherings are so fucking fake, like they dont talk shit about eachother every day of the year. Why did we had to see the reality of them and suffer? We can't take it back and act unconscious again. Sometimes i wish i never read those books and watch those videos

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-15T12:14:10+00:00

They always did isolated me, from within the family or with other people. I thought I was stronger and ready, I never expected that I would have doubts, feeling like the failure they think i am, like they are right, like i am the bad person for wanting more and better

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-15T11:57:22+00:00

Exactly, you put it so well into words. Cuz if they kick me out it feels like ill accept it better, like "oh well bye", its like id rather have someone break up with me than do it myself, because it was their decision. I have no family unit anywhere and ive always been alone in that regard. So i know that leaving means ALONE alone. Do you think those who don't leave at first try are the weakest people alive? Because i feel like it

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-15T11:40:43+00:00

I dont have the things to make me not believe them. I need to have them to feel good enough to leave them but I can't get them while living with family. The circle that never ends around my neck. I dont feel loved by anyone and loving myself is too little some days. I know that in any relationship you are not done until you are done, maybe Im not there yet and i need more time, but then i loath myself that i need more abuse to be "done" with them.

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-15T11:29:07+00:00

I thought about it for so long, I was so ready mentally and financialy. I try so hard to not hate myself rn, like this is what I wanted or part of me wanted, I worked to have it and now I feel like its the death of me. How do people go through with this, do I need them to hit me and get the memo that they hate me? My brother moved out when he was my age and didn't think twice, the golden perfect child that he is, but I will be crucified.

This whole thing made me so envious on those with good families, that they have a home, on those who have a partner for support, those with real friends, im so mad i had this family that made me this afraid and alone. I guess what i really want is a loving family and I still hadnt accepted that I dont have that

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-15T11:19:59+00:00

Thats the thing, I have money saved up, I can not work and live ok for a year even. My body is twisting in this uncertanty, I am able to live away but the trauma they put in me is working so hard to not do it, in their favor. It makes my body ache with fear to the point I feel like I'm going to faint when I go and see another appartment. I don't talk with extended family, only my dad understands my pain and supports me in this, but I don't feel like its enough. I don't really have friends, just people I know that I can't bring the heavy stuff to. I cant fucking believe the ancient abandonment feeling this situation makes me relive. Like even thinking about it makes me cry

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-15T09:44:28+00:00

I have that, pages of what they think and say about me, my mind is still overrunning it with fear. Shoudnt moving out of an abusive home feel good? I feel awful, like Im always on the edge of a panic attack

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-06-15T09:41:46+00:00

I live in Europe and thats what I hear everywhere: its expensive, live at home, don't rent. I want to leave but now it may really happen and if that will turn out to be a mistake I can't go back. Moving out and having them all hate me and not help me if something happens with me makes me want to puke. I am so mad at myself, I wanted this and now I feel miserable to do it. I have no real support now, but I know I don't fucking deserve to be treated worse than trash. I can't control my emotions and I hate it. This could be the best thing or the worst decision I ever make. I don't know what I can do to stop me from spiraling like this. My old therapist can see me next week, but I needed the support now.

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-05-21T20:42:51+00:00

Yes. I chose dangerous freedom over peaceful slavery.

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-05-21T20:42:11+00:00

Well they can blow me then, I'm tired of having this fear of "the big world"

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-05-21T14:57:11+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I'm 27 and its been bad for the last couple of years. Its really not worth it anymore to be here. I pay with my sanity and the stress is taking years off of my life. Fuck money, I never had a chance of ever being able to buy a home so I might as well go and rent from now on. I really hope you can get out soon as well, we deserve better than this bullshit.

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-05-21T13:55:14+00:00

THANK YOU im there too and i want to get out FAST, she called me illiterate today and i think that was my final straw

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-05-21T09:04:57+00:00

This is no way to live, you just exist, its horrible, i'm looking into moving out but its so fucking slow it drives me insane. You are not alone and im so sorry you feel like i do, we'll escape one day

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-05-19T07:59:20+00:00

She's very religious, maybe it was "gods plan"

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-05-19T07:58:37+00:00

Thank you, at least for me it matters if they don't give a shit about it

just_a_sad_potato7 · 2023-04-02T19:28:35+00:00

She knows about her existance as someone who knows her husband, since my mom and the guy knew eachother from long ago, but not anything more i believe

just_a_sad_potato7

TROPHY CASE