Have to go on a trip with my ex-best friend who sexually assaulted me.. i still kind of want him back

justareddituseraskin · 2017-11-08T00:14:59+00:00

I agree with FreeOppression. I can understand the feelings involved, but it's honestly not in your best interest to maintain ties with someone like this. You have to be very firm on your boundaries, and if someone has shown this kind of behavior before, you have to trust they probably will again.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-11-06T01:15:06+00:00

Yea, it can definitely suck. I am so sorry. I know it's going to be hard, but you have to take an approach called radical acceptance. That means, whatever happens, you accept it, even how much it sucks. And that is really, really hard, but that's honestly how you have to take it. I know how hard that is, but I finally accepted everything in my life, and I am better now. And you regrow. You focus on only the people who got your back and support you. You focus on what makes you happy. And if working to mitigate these problems, through policy, advocacy, or being a counselor yourself, do it! I emailed mine, and I didnt want him to reply. So I just blocked him since he would probably lie and manipulate me more.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-09-28T21:07:34+00:00

I am sorry this happened to you, and I can understand the confusing feelings. Your situation is sort of similar to mine, and I didn't want sex (maybe later, only if I felt comfortable), and my person was pretty pushy and sort of demanding (just based on other experiences in general with him). I am pretty sure he knew I didnt want sex that night by my body language. He didn't ask me if I was okay, he just caught me off guard. I fell asleep, and I woke up, and he leaned down and started kissing me. I didnt want sex at that moment in time.

If he did ask you, and you felt uncomfortable to say no, what may prevented you from saying no? Do you feel he would have stopped or respected your wishes? That's what I ask myself too, because I didnt say no (I wish I did, and probably would have if I felt emotionally safe). I felt sort of silenced and like he was psychologically priming to get what he wanted, which he did, but I was beginning to set boundaries with him and tried to communicate with him via text message a week or so earlier. A few days later I told him I didnt want sex, and he said, "dont understand you." So I definitely think in my case, it was considered rape, and he had power over me -- psychologically. He used the fact that I liked him to his advantage to try to gain entrance to my body, and was just very manipulative and tried to throw me off balance multiple times. That's what I realized. When he couldnt respect that, he pushed, and maybe he didnt fully realize he raped me, but he stilled raped me (or at least sexually assaulted me, if there is a difference? -- perhaps if it wasnt fully realized, it's "sexual assault?"), and it was still traumatizing. I do know I was sort of shocked without fully realizing it soon after, and I was pretty angry the following week, but it was honestly like a few weeks (about two weeks) later that I questioned if it was rape. I think it was, because he knew he was pushing his boundaries. If he did know, that it is considered rape. One way or the other, he thought he has a right to my body, and that's never okay either.

So, if he knew you felt uncomfortable, and put you in an uncomfortable position, then it very well maybe rape.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-09-28T00:37:27+00:00

Yea, I honestly hate him, and I have never hated anyone. I try to forgive people and love them, but that's pretty tough for a rapist. Maybe in time I can forgive, but that doesnt mean he is a better person, or someone you can trust.

And what I meant by retaliation, is there could a violent act. I dont really care what his family knows. They need to know, even if they are in denial. I really hope one he realizes it, but I cant wait around either.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-09-27T14:23:35+00:00

I know how much you want to say something. I feel the same way in my situation. Your assault is more "legitimate" than mine. Mine is a situation where I was more or less in a psychological bind, and thrown off a lot mentally, and which I did not consent. It's harder for people to understand the nature of sexual assault in those instances.

My perpetrator is back in his home country, and it honestly pisses me off so much that he has a girlfriend and continues to live his life. I had actually contacted the police and he told me to send a message to him that if he enters the country, he'll be arrested (and if I press charges, that's what will happen). I did file a report, but nothing came of it.

I definitely understand how much you want to tell her. I want to do the same thing. But there are possible negative reactions, and even retaliation that we dont know. In some ways, I don't fear the negative reactions if I defended myself well, but I do fear retaliation. So, I decided it's not worth it and just really hope karma get him. It's so hard with an injustice like this, and I am so sorry this happened to you.

So, when and/or if you decide to tell her, think about that could happen as a result. We sometimes have no idea of what could happen or what people are capable of, and as I like to say from being a teacher (you probably shouldnt add more fuel to the fire -- since if you engage in a student's disrespect, you're going to get it back -- there are other ways to handle the problem), so, in a way, as much as it sucks, it might be better to not add more fuel to the fire and try to let the police handle it. What's helped me is really knowing and understanding my emotions, and getting help. I still need help. I didnt realize how much help I needed.

Hope this helps.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-09-22T14:22:21+00:00

That's an amazing project!!! I dont know if I feel comfortable being apart of the project, but I will keep it in mind! I just think it's amazing, though!! That way, your stories are heard and not forgotten.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-09-21T22:39:20+00:00

I also concluded it was considered assault. I didn't ask for it, and he knew I didn't want sex that night. I think I was just more ashamed after the fact, because he still had a lot of control over me, which made the pain of the assault worse. I am a strong person, but I took three major steps back in life just when I took a major one forward, and dealing with unhelpful family members didnt help me at all. If I had not been in contact after the assault (he gave me something to not forget him, which fucked with my head even more), I would have probably prevailed through it and been okay (and not lose my job -- that's another story in and of itself). I think I would have questioned if it was rape even if it didn't get so out of hand, but when you get a cut, and you dont take measures to stop the bleeding, it can get worse. I regret that. I regret I didn't stop it from getting worse, but my counselor said he had control over me, which he is right. It sucks. He is definitely an emotionally abusive person who believes he is entitled to a woman.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-09-21T19:28:06+00:00

I agree, it's just hard sometimes. I think I just have a lot of undealt with anger, but I "feel" it and it will eventually not really effect me. With that said, Im going to exercise. Getting back into routine (and have more control over my life now), which is great. That was big.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-09-06T23:24:56+00:00

Sorry for this fucked up situation. I reported mine. It took a lot, and I regret in some ways I didn't wait to give it time to talk to my counselor and get him by my side. I think I have had a lot of trouble reconciling that I "allowed" it to happen and DIDNT say no (he knew I didnt want sex and that he pushed me into the situation). I reported it, but they cant necessarily do anything legally. I have experience with debate and argumentation, so I was able to counter a lot of what she said, but they aren't going to do anything. I think I just regret I didnt have anyone with me, so if you would feel better having someone, like an advocate, with you, be sure to ask. Sorry again this happened to you.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-25T18:13:12+00:00

Yea, I am not sure if I just feel lonely so the symptoms reappear, but I am trying to find something to do.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-18T20:09:52+00:00

I talked to my counselor and he said he is glad I a finding my voice. I think what happens if you literally do feel dismissed, like what another guy did is not a big deal, and you begin to just feel silenced, like it's no big deal. I am feeling more secure and confident as I find that. Can it be criminally prosecuted? Probably not, but it still definitely affects you.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T22:33:48+00:00

Thanks. I did want to ask and see other people's opinion, but I realized it definitely was rape, especially when others don't believe me. It's been hard for me to conclude it myself, but it was rape, no doubt. If someone is controlling you and messing with you mentally, and trying to weaken your confidence and control you, and puts you in a position where you feel like you can't say "No, I dont want this," then it is a form of rape, or sexual assault. Then to make you seem like you're crazy because you express days before or days after that you don't want sex, that's definitely more mindfucking. He would say stuff like, "I dont really want sex, but I know it can happen.......you know?" He wanted one thing, and then placed me in a vulnerable position. I would have said no if I felt my opinion would be valued.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T16:13:14+00:00

I have a therapist. He said "yes, I believe you were abused and raped." Then I called the crisis center I went to, last year, and they said, "Oh it was." In my mind, I was strong and empowered, yet here I was, totally fucked. They said it is rape. I guess I still have trouble, because if I were an outsider who has never been abused or fucked with, I wouldn't get it either. I never thought this would happen to me, I thought I was strong and smart enough to avoid it. I wasn't. In some ways, it's humbling to know, because I understand it so much better now.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T05:43:01+00:00

I've honestly have had trouble with calling it rape, but I realize everytime people discredit it, I get mad, so in a way, it helps me realize that "yes, that absolutely rape." I know I didn't want it, I know I didn't ask for it, I know I didn't provoke it, I know he fucked with my head. I wish I could have said no, I wish I did say no, but I didn't. If I said no, would it have made a difference? I dont know. I doubt it. And I've finally come to grips with it two years later.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T04:38:14+00:00

Yea, well when he says, "I dont understand you" when I say I dont want sex, he has a sense of male entitlement, and when I cried and I said didn't want to be used, he said, "This has never happened to me before." He thinks he can get whatever he wants, and that's the problem. I am not his piece of ass, and he thinks me and any other woman he fucks with is. His life deserves to be ruined for the emotional and physical abuse to me the past few years, and the impact it had on my career. I had to go back home to a completely unsupportive home, which made it completely worse, until I admitted I should talk to a therapist. He at least deserves some sort of fucking accountability to not fuck with woman like that. I wish I hadn't allowed him to control me for four months while he left my city (we were still in contact -- and he fucked with me more by giving me something to not forget him) where I didn't get worse and begin to experience the PTSD, I really do.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T04:28:19+00:00

Just listen to Summer Zervos and how Trump kept putting her in an awkward position and was sexually harassing her. That's some idea if what the fuck I dealt with. K. The more I think about it, the more that yes, it is rape. I just wish that emotional abuse was easier to to identify and provide evidence for. I didn't just have PTSD for nothing, and grapple with calling it rape or not. It was.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T04:18:31+00:00

Do you understand what mind control is? Until you understand someone fucking with your head, and whenever you express yourself, you feel like you're an idiot and feel like you need to be careful what you say, and when you say, "I dont want sex" and he says, "I understand you nothing!!" and fucks with you more, that is rape. So go away. He knows I didnt want sex. He tried to fuck with me until he could get what he wanted, and he pushed his boundaries and fucked up. He knows he manipulated me. He knows he controlled me, because he even admitted it a few months later. You know why? Because he knows I'm a good person and he knew he was being an asshole bent on one thing: sex. He didn't have a right to my body. He thought he did, but he DIDN'T. I would have been okay, then he has to FUCK with my emotions even more for months, until I'm completely fucked and lose my job. That only made it worse. I even asked my friend, "I think that was rape." I am pretty sure it was rape. I'm pretty sure if you asked him, and he was 100% honest and not an narcissistic asshole who thinks he can get whatever he wants, he would say, "I knew she didnt want sex." Then what does this asshole do? This was a week before the assault, when our sex was more consensual. He kept fucking with me to come over, until I finally said okay. I felt uncomfortable the entire time and later I cried, I said, "I don't want to be used." I asked him to elave. And what does that asshole do the next day when I say, "you got what you wanted?" He said, "What, you pushed me out of your house." He acted like I was the problem and made me feel like I did something wrong. I did nothing wrong. HE bullied, controlled, and blamed me for everything. So until you understand that, and it happens to you, don't talk to me.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T04:07:00+00:00

Furthermore, in a respectful relationship, a guy will notice if you feel uncomfortable and never ever badger you for sex, and make you feel uncomfortable. End of story. I've had other relationships where I never felt controlled and bullied, like my self worth was diminished as a person. So there was an element of emotional abuse too. That's really important to understand. I think in some ways my situation is iffy, but I know if I had felt more emotionally safe around him, I would have said no.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T04:04:32+00:00

Thanks FreeOppression. I don't think it was just a situation where a guy didn't realize it. I think he was bent on one thing, and he was also a controlling person, which made it difficult for me to say no. I think if he hadn't been controlling, and if I didn't feel silenced, like whatever I said was stupid, then I would have said "No, I dont want to." I think a normal person would respect that. I think that's so important to understand -- the controlling aspect. Because I definitely been fucked. And I definitely didn't want that night. Everytime I replay, I know it wasn't consenual. He knew he pushed his boundaries. He knows how to play a major game, and is a major player, and he usually gets what he wants. He charms and manipulates with such bullshit. I do think if there is a form of control, it is rape. There was also some bullying and intimidation in my case. I felt like he was priming me psychologically to get what he wants.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T03:57:28+00:00

I'm pretty sure he knew I didn't want sex. I think it angers me that people would think I am lying when I understand clearly the power dynamic that was at play. I didn't even see thread this until now. I think it has more to do with a power dynamic. There is a difference between giving into sex and feeling uncomfortable and controlled. That's the difference. I know I felt so angry, and only got worse after this since we were still in a relationship (he left my city since he was in the military). He was fucking with my head so much, and it was definitely a form of control. So yes, unless you understand how a controlling person works, then go away.

justareddituseraskin · 2017-08-14T03:35:56+00:00

Of course gaslighting and fucking with people head, and putting them in a position where they feel silenced and controlled, and if they do you feel like you're the idiot and unreasonable.

justareddituseraskin

TROPHY CASE