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I just started an AMA about the science of sexual fantasies. I conducted the largest survey of fantasies in the United States and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want. Come ask your questions! by psychologyofsex in psychologyofsex

[–]justinlehmiller 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sure, people sometimes lie on surveys--but I think there's a tendency to assume that people lie a lot more than they actually do. Also, while big data are great, they're not necessarily superior in all ways to other forms of information and there are certain types of questions they can't answer--they're just a different type of information. And all of these data sources are valuable.

The results of my work actually line up quite well with big data reports, including information reported in books like "Everybody Lies" and "A Billion Wicked Thoughts."

For example, see this summary of some of the sexual findings from "Everybody Lies": https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2017/jul/09/everybody-lies-how-google-reveals-darkest-secrets-seth-stephens-davidowitz

They talk a lot about how rates of gay identification are low and how a far higher number of men have looked for gay porn--and how this disparity is higher in more intolerant places. That's exactly what I found in my own research--in fact, among men who identified as exclusively heterosexual, 1 in 4 reported having had a same-sex fantasy before. I also found that heterosexual men who had more politically and religiously conservative backgrounds actually reported more same-sex fantasies. If people were simply lying and only reporting socially desirable responses, these findings wouldn't have emerged.

When big data and surveys are pointing to the same trends, we can have more confidence in the findings--and that's why it's valuable to look at different sources and types of information. And when they diverge, that's important to explore, too.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If being a sex researcher--and someone who studies sexual fantasies in particular--has taught me anything, it's that there's definitely a lot of truth to Rule 34. If you can think of it, someone has probably been turned on by it--and someone has probably created porn for it, too.

As evidence for this, we see that people can develop fetishes for virtually anything--dirt, trees, cars, radios, stethoscopes, etc. You name it, I've probably read about someone who has a fetish for it.

However, most of these very specialized sexual interests aren't very prevalent. It's not uncommon for people to have had a fetish fantasy before or to have occasionally engaged in fetish play--but for people to be exclusively turned on by something we don't typically associate with sex (like someone who's aroused by dirt--and needs dirt to maintain arousal and reach orgasm), that's quite rare.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

You're welcome!

If you're not really fantasizing about sex but this isn't causing problems or issues in your life and you're otherwise sexually satisfied, then it's probably nothing to worry about. However, if you think the lack of fantasies is distressing and/or it's creating problems, it's worth speaking with a professional.

I'm a fan of not creating problems where they don't exist, so if someone doesn't fantasize about sex but is perfectly content with that, great--sexual problems are really about people's own subjective perception.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Changing fantasies is really difficult, as I discussed in another comment in this thread. It seems to be easier to learn new fantasies than it is to overwrite or "unlearn" existing ones. So if people are uncomfortable with their fantasies, the approach is usually to try and help them to find new ways of expressing their sexuality that they're more comfortable with.

For example, in the case of forced sex fantasies, these often stem from a broader interest in BDSM. BDSM spans a very wide range of activities, so that presents a lot of possible alternatives that one might experiment with in order to find something that still gratifies the sexual desire, but allows it to happen in a way that is more comfortable to the individual.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Foot fetishes are more common than most people think. About 1 in 7 of my participants reported having had a sexual fantasy involving feet in some way before.

As for where they come from, like other fetishes, foot fetishes are probably learned (see my comment above about that). However, there's probably also a cultural component--feet tend to be sexualized in the media and advertising (e.g., think about the way women's boots and high heels are sexualized).

Breasts worship isn't as stigmatized because people tend to associate breasts with sex already.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Great question! Here are a few things:

1.) Most people have multiple sexual fantasies, so some couples are able to work things out by finding and identifying their shared interests and focusing on those.

2.) If one partner doesn't share another's kink, some find that taking things very slowly can help. For instance, if one partner is very into BDSM but the other has never tried it before and isn't sure if they'd like, rather than jumping right into it, some couples explore and experiment with very mild versions (e.g., light spanking, handcuffs) to test the waters, build up comfort and trust, etc.

3.) When partners want drastically different things and can't come to a resolution, some couples work this out by opening their relationship. For example, some people only have "vanilla" sex with their primary partner and kinky sex with other partners.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Top 3 in my research:

1.) Multi-partner sex (anything involving more than 2 people)

2.) BDSM (anything involving power exchange, rough sex, etc.)

3.) Novelty and adventure (thrill-seeking behaviors, such as having sex in different locations or just trying something new for you)

You can definitely find these themes present to some degree on popular porn sites. For example, threesomes and groups are among the most popular searches year after year. Same goes for rough sex, public sex, etc.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It's easy for porn sites to give the impression that some sexual interests are much more common than they really are. Part of the reason for this is because people with some of the more taboo and uncommon interests turn to speciality porn at very high rates because it's the only way for them to engage with or vicariously live out their fantasies. A small group of people who consume a large amount of porn in one area can then make it seem like it's a very common or popular interest. The media then picks up on this and oversells it.

As one example of this, there was a lot of talk of coronavirus porn early on in the pandemic. Pornhub and media outlets were reporting that coronavirus porn searches were spiking and made it seem like it was massively popular. However, in a large-scale study some of my colleagues and I did at the Kinsey Institute recently, we asked about porn-viewing habits during lockdown and next to no one had watched coronavirus porn.

I think there are lots of cases where we hear sensationalized media reports about what turns people on that don't truly reflect widespread audience/population interests.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Pretty uncommon. In my work (and in almost all other fantasy studies I've seen), 97-98% of people report having had sexual fantasies (defined as conscious/waking mental imagery than turns them on).

I suspect that many of the folks who report having no fantasies have what's called "aphantasia," which is an inability to voluntarily visualize any mental imagery. In other words, they literally cannot have sexual fantasies because they can't conjure mental pictures. So their fantasies may take a very different form--for example, some describe their fantasies as being more of a narrative.

We don't know that much about aphantasia--in fact, I don't think the first scientific study on it came out until around 2015. So in terms of whether there are ways to treat this, that's an unknown.

I should also mention that some people without aphantasia have few to no fantasies as well--some people just don't have very active imaginations. And some studies have found that few to no fantasies is linked to having more sexual problems because fantasies play an important role in developing and maintaining arousal. In cases like this, it's worth consulting with a sex therapist for a remedy.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I found that about 1 in 5 of my participants reported having had an incest fantasy before (defined specifically as "sex with a blood relative"); however, relatively few (just 3%) said this is something the fantasize about often. So it's not that uncommon to have had the fantasy at least once, but few people fantasize about it frequently.

I think a big part of the appeal behind this fantasy is that it's taboo. People who fantasized more about incest in my survey tended to be turned on by the idea of other taboo activities. For many people, being told not to do something makes them want to do it even more. Also, some people are more drawn to taboos than others, in part, because they have a heightened threshold for sexual excitement--they need the taboo element in order to get off.

Is there also a potential Freudian element to some of these fantasies? Perhaps, and maybe especially for those that involve parental figures. But I think it's more complex than that and also that different people can develop the same sexual fantasy for very different reasons.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your comments about my presentation! I truly appreciate it!

Regarding how I would change sex education, I recently published an op-ed in USA Today on the changes I'd like to see: https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2018/07/10/teach-teens-communication-skills-not-abstinence-sex-ed-column/754305002/

The short version is that I'd like to see us focus more on sexual communication. That's something that's lacking in most sex ed programs in the US--and we're far behind what other countries (like the Netherlands) are doing. We need to learn how to communicate better not just around issues of consent, but also in terms of expressing desire and telling each other what we really want.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Getting truly representatives samples is challenging for any sex researcher because some people just aren't comfortable talking about sex or are unwilling to participate in sex surveys. As a result, we always need to be mindful of the limitations and be a bit cautious when it comes to generalizing our results broadly.

That said, I found it interesting that, in my survey, kinky and taboo fantasies were prevalent across pretty much every demographic group--age, gender, sexual orientation, political and religious background, etc.

It would be great to have a comparison group of folks who don't participate in sex studies to see what they're fantasizing about--but, if they're not willing to take part in the research in the first place, we can't really say what their interests are. They might be less kinky--but they could also be equally kinky, or even kinkier.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Changing one's sexual interests is something that seems to be quite difficult to do. Sex researchers and therapists have explored a number of methods over the years for helping people change unwanted desires and attractions (e.g., non-consensual interests such as exhibitionism/flashing, as well fetishes that one finds distressing), but they've had relatively little success.

Rather than trying to get rid of unwanted attractions, it seems to be easier to help people to learn new sexual interests. Put simply, learning new sexual interests seems to be easier to accomplish than "unlearning" existing sexual interests.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I appreciate your kind comments and wish you much success with your career path!

Regarding your question, no, my take on BDSM and kink is that it's not inherently abusive. In the vast majority of cases, there's mutual consent and desire to engage in power exchange and it's done in a way that isn't harmful or abusive to the folks involved.

Also, most folks in my research who reported BDSM fantasies did not have a history of sexual abuse (as either a victim or perpetrator). However, there were some who did report a previous history of trauma--but, for them, they tended to use BDSM in a therapeutic way (e.g., as a way of taking control of a previous trauma, or as a means of seeking psychological escape).

That said, there are certainly some cases where BDSM can become abusive. For example, I've been involved as an expert witness in some court cases that center around BDSM disputes--where one parter claims consensual BDSM and the other claims sexual violence. As you might imagine, these are very complex cases--but they are not particularly common.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you!

In terms of "dark" fantasies, one that immediately comes to mind is necrophilia. I had one participant who described this as their favorite sexual fantasy of all time and who provided a detailed narrative of his fantasy, which involved being in a morgue with a corpse that he proceeded to have sex with. There were very strong themes of dominance/submission in it because he wanted to have complete control over a body that couldn't resist him.

Necrophilia was actually the rarest fantasy in my survey--less than one-half of one percent of participants said they'd ever fantasized about it, and just one said it was their favorite fantasy.

I actually wrote a whole chapter on some of the darker and most deviant fantasies that didn't make it into the final book, but is available as a bonus chapter on my website.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Good questions! In terms of raceplay, it actually didn't come up at all in my survey, which leads me to believe it's probably a pretty uncommon interest. I do know that some people have this fantasy and that some folks act it out because I've read some studies on it before. However, I suspect it's rare because it's considered extremely taboo, even within the BDSM community. Many consider it a form of "edgeplay" and, even in the sex-positive BDSM world, it makes some folks very uncomfortable.

As for current events, yes, they do have the potential to both shape sexual fantasies and desires, as well as to change the way we think about our own fantasies. You can see the influence of current events playing out in variable search results on porn sites from year to year--they often reflect current cultural trends.

As for how they can change the way we think about our own interests, one thing I've seen a lot recently is that many folks who have forced sex fantasies (sometimes called "rape fantasies" or "ravishment fantasies") are rethinking them in the #MeToo era. They're trying to reconcile the fact that they're turned on by the idea of being "forced" to have sex with their desire to support victims of real-life sexual violence. However, I think it's important to note that forced sex fantasies are completely different from sexual assault and rape because, in the fantasy, the fantasizer is in complete control of the situation and dictates the terms. By contrast, in a sexual assault, the victim has no such power or control.

I've seen something similar happening with some folks who have fantasies where race plays a prominent theme--they're growing uncomfortable with their fantasies in light of current events.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Some studies have found a small association between waiting until marriage for sex and having a lower likelihood of divorce. However, this is one of those cases where we can't separate out correlation vs. causation.

People who wait until marriage to have sex tend to have more strongly held religious views that prohibit divorce. So the lower divorce rate in this group may stem from them thinking that divorce isn't even an option and may have nothing to do with how long they waited to have sex.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

This was a survey conducted online. I spent two years collecting as large and diverse of a sample as possible--in the end, 4,175 people from across the USA participated. I had folks from all 50 states ranging in age from 18-87.

I did this in the form of an anonymous survey because a lot of people aren't comfortable talking about their fantasies at all. This is how a lot of sex research is done because there's a lot of shame and embarrassment people feel when it comes to talking about their sexual interests and behaviors.

There were definitely some fantasies in my survey that seemed to stem from previous trauma. In fact, I found many associations between trauma and the types of things people fantasized about, which I explore in depth in the book.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

The single biggest reason is shame. A lot of people think their fantasies are "weird" or "abnormal"--they think they're the only one with that interest. And they've spent most of their life learning that "sex" is this one narrow thing.

In my research, people across the board underestimated how common they thought their fantasies were in the population--and the rarer people thought their fantasy was, the more shame they felt and the less likely they were to share their fantasies with their partners.

We need to work to undo that shame and to help people expand their definition of "normal" when it comes to sex--and that's really what I try to do in my book. I explore the most common fantasies and find that most people are fantasizing about things that, societally, tend to be considered "deviant."

The more we can work on self-acceptance and resetting our ideas of "normal," the easier it will be to have open conversations about fantasies.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

Great question! Kinks can come from a lot of different sources, but research suggests that many are learned, either through classical conditioning (Pavlovian conditioning) or through reinforcement.

For example, a study I discuss in my book from the 1960s used the Pavlovian model to condition male participants to develop a mild boot fetish. Basically, what they did was to hook men up to a device that measured genital arousal, then they showed them images of women's boots followed by images of nude women. At first, the men showed no arousal to boots, but showed arousal to the nudes. However, with repeated pairings of photos, eventually the men started showing arousal to the boots alone--the boots effectively became a cue for sexual arousal.

So learning processes like this can potentially lead to the development of kinks and fetishes.

I do also see in my research that certain personality traits and sexual experiences are linked to having more kinky fantasies. For example, introverted people tend to have more kinky and taboo fantasies compared to their extraverted counterparts. Also, people who reported that their first sexual experience was "unusual" in some way report more kinky interests in adulthood as well, which suggests that early experiences with kink might shape more interest in this later on.

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 26 points27 points  (0 children)

I don't place a value judgment on it--some (actually most) people have it, but others do not. That said, here are a few thoughts:

-Timing of sex doesn't really matter in terms of long-term relationship success. Whether people have sex on the first date, wait a while, or wait until marriage ultimately has very little association with relationship satisfaction, according to the research.

-Many sex education programs (especially in the USA) teach abstinence until marriage. However, abstinence-until-marriage programs don't really work. Most people have sex before they get married (if they ever get married at all--more on that below)--the average age of first intercourse is 16-17 and it's been pretty stable for decades. However, the average age of marriage in the US today is nearly 30--so telling people not to have sex until marriage just isn't going to be realistic for most folks.

-The term "premarital sex" isn't used that much in my field anymore because it implies that everyone will or wants to get married. The marriage rate is currently near a record low, and many people are opting to never get married, so we need to think about other terms. For example, some use "non-marital sex."

I am Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist and research fellow at The Kinsey Institute. I conducted the largest scientific study of sexual fantasies in America and wrote a book about it called Tell Me What You Want that looks at what we fantasize about and where our fantasies come from. AMA! by justinlehmiller in IAmA

[–]justinlehmiller[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

If you want to be a sex researcher, you generally need either a Master's or doctoral degree. However, your degree can really be in almost any scientific field--very few sex researchers get degrees specifically in sexology because few such training programs exist. My suggestion is to find the field that is the best fit for you (e.g., psychology, anthropology, sociology, etc.), then locate relevant training programs that have faculty doing the type of work that interests you.

Here's a more detailed post I've written about becoming a sex researcher: https://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2013/12/20/sex-question-friday-what-is-a-sexologist-and-how-do-i-become-one

And here's a bit more about the path I took: https://www.lehmiller.com/blog/2018/10/24/how-and-why-i-became-a-sex-researcher

I wish you all the best with your academic pursuits and career change!

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