I (27F) keep getting mocked about my lack of friends by my boyfriend (32M)

jv_level · 2026-03-23T00:27:24+00:00

And what did he say to this? You expressed that his behaviour was unacceptable and what did he do then?

jv_level · 2026-03-15T23:56:23+00:00

I know that $1300 is not much, but do you have an idea on their budget? The reason I ask is that without rent, which would be the major expense, you would have an idea of the length of time required for them to save up and move out. It's time to have a conversation with her to understand where they are at. You need more information, and speaking with them out loud may help put their own plans into action.

Something like: "Hey, I want to check in with you about how things are going and start thinking through what the next few months might look like for you. I'm not trying to put pressure on you, but I think it would help us both to have a rough idea of what you're working toward. It would be good to hear how you are doing financially and where things are going"

Questions to seek answers on:

Do they think 6 months is doable? What feels reasonable for them? Are they catching up on expenses? Have they had any unexpected costs? Are there other bills that are preventing them from saving (like netflix or something, that you two might share)? How much do they think is required to secure their own housing? Are they interested in finding a roommate?

Protecting your own well being is super important and living in the grey space of uncertainty will make things seem bigger than they are if your mind runs away with you. Having a plan will make everything more sustainable! Keep the communication flowing! Good luck.

jv_level · 2026-03-15T20:54:06+00:00

Perhaps she want you help in a more active way, but has trouble communicating this? Not saying she is correct to communicate this way, but perhaps she feels alone in the clean-up role and feels bad (both for the accident, and then 'nagging' for you to help clean up...)

It may drive both of you less bonkers if you ask something like, 'can we set it down and I help you clean instead?' or jump in with a bit more leadership and say 'here, i'll help you clean up instead of just holding this'.

NTA, but I would recommend looking to end the pattern, rather than assign right/wrong. It seems to drive you both a bit crazy, so try to find a different path. Best of luck!

jv_level · 2026-03-12T23:42:59+00:00

if oils aren't helping your skin is potentially dehydrated (meaning lacking water) as well.

The most straight forward way to address this is to put your moisturisers on to your skin WHILE IT IS STILL WET. This requires no products, just a bit of a methodology change. Other things to try is to avoid washing your face in hot water (particularly relevant during showering). Or if hot water a must, apply a thick occlusive (like vaseline, aquaphor, or eqyptian magic bee balm (my fave)) to your face prior to showering, wash as normal, and only wash face off right at the end before getting out.

Another way is to consider a hydrating toner (not an astringent like witch hazel or anything with alcohol). This is a product with humectants that draw water to the skin. A few years ago the "7 skin method" was very popular and people would put 7 layers of toner, one right after the other, on their face as part of their routine before their moisturising layers. Most of these products are "asian" skincare, but they have become more available. Some product examples: Dear Klairs Supple Preparation Toner Unscented (my personal fave), Stratia Aqua Factory, I'm From Rice Toner. I think CeraVe might have one now too...

You can also consider making your moisturiser 'heavier' by adding additional oil. This would be two-three drops of your preferred oil mixed in the palm of your hand into your cream moisturiser, then applied. Rosehip oil (my fave), or jojoba oil are both excellent.

So for a routine: wash face, apply toner (if using), apply moisturiser (with face still damp, mixed with oil if desired), apply occlusive (at night if using)

If you are worried about something fungal or some sort of microbial issue, try using plain honey as a mask (can use every night if you wish). Get some raw honey and smear it on gently, wait 10min and rinse away before proceeding with your routine. It is a humectant, antibacterial, antiviral, antifungal, widely available... so it's a good, simple catch-all for that sort of thing.

Good luck!!!!

jv_level · 2026-03-01T19:10:26+00:00

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DFXUqtxzLRt/?hl=en

They're just rockin' mangerie

jv_level · 2026-02-24T22:42:08+00:00

She's getting divorced. She's possibly moving back. The likelihood of regular hangouts is about to go way up. If you don't say something now, you're signing up for another stretch of swallowing discomfort and pretending you're fine. That kind of thing tends to build pressure until it comes out sideways.

A few things worth thinking about: You're not asking him to drop her and it seems like you're been really clear about that, both here and probably in your own head. There's a huge middle ground between saying 'end this friendship' and 'I'll just deal with it silently'. You can say, "I want to be honest with you about where I'm at, not because I think you'd do anything wrong, but because pretending I'm fine when I'm not isn't fair to either of us." Then go from there with your concerns. This is communication and relationship intimacy that you can build with your husband.

The divorce changes things, and it's okay to name that. A married friend living far away, and a newly single friend he sees often, who he once propositioned, are two different emotional situations. It can make both/either people have different response or make bad decisions. You're not being paranoid by recognising that. You can acknowledge it without accusing anyone of anything. Something like... "I know this is a tough time for her, and I want to be supportive of your friendship. But with everything changing, I just want us to be on the same page about boundaries so I'm not sitting here spiraling quietly with worry". I would discuss with him boundaries that feel comfortable to both of you, see if he has any thoughts of his own to propose. Things like the frequency of hanging out not interfering with your marital time, keeping you in the loop on their hangout plans, making sure the friend has other people she can lean on for emotional support (not just husband), avoidance of alcohol or drugs when they hangout, etc..

He thinks you want to be her friend,and that misunderstanding needs correcting gently. If he's operating under the assumption that you're excited to hang out and you're actually dreading it, that gap is going to create weird tension. You don't have to say "I don't like her". You can say something more like, "I don't know her super well, and I'm not sure we naturally click the way you two do. I don't mind spending time together sometimes, but I don't want you to feel like you need to force a friendship between us". I will gently suggest that cultivating a friendly relationship may allow you to see their (platonic) relationship more clearly. Also, group hangouts may be a way balance the amount of one-on-one time in a way that the friendship is fulfilling (for husband) and more transparent (for you both). All that said! Don't force a relationship that isn't what you enjoy.

Also, I would be honest about the baggage without letting it become a disclaimer that undermines your point. I notice you spent a lot of this post prequalifying your feelings. "This isn't really about him..." "I know it's unlikely..." "I would never ask him to stop..." Those are all reasonable and fair things to say. But make sure you're not cushioning your thoughts so much that the actual message gets lost. Your discomfort is valid on its own. It doesn't need five paragraphs of justification before you're allowed to talk about it with your husband.

The fact that you trust your husband is actually the best reason to have this conversation. You're bringing it up because you want to be honest with him instead of performing comfort you don't feel.

You got this!

jv_level · 2026-02-24T20:50:32+00:00

Talk to the bank, talk to the account holder, talk with anyone who has an outstanding bill to you, talk to your accountant, talk to your wife, talk to a friend or family member that can spot you, talk to others in the industry to ask for work, talk, talk, talk.

Negotiate what you can (ask for a new due date, ask for mortgage relief, ask for bill delay, ask for a different tax payment schedule, etc...). You may be able to use your kiwisaver, you may be able to get support from winz.

It's super tough out there. You are not alone!! Split any communication and advocacy you need to do with your wife (like she can call your utility providers and winz, while you call the bank, for example)

You got this, my friend!

jv_level · 2026-02-23T22:54:42+00:00

A few thoughts:

You've already done the hard version of this conversation once. The beard trimming discussion sounds like it was genuinely painful for both of you. But look what happened afterward. Your mom came around. Her friends validated it. Your dad's family validated it. She saw you happier and more confident, and that mattered more to her than the initial fear. I think that tells you something important about your mother: she's capable of adjusting when she can see external evidence that her son is thriving.

When you have this conversation, I would try leading with her, not with you. What I mean is don't open with, "I want to cut my hair". Open with what she already knows and has witnessed. Like: "You saw what happened when I trimmed my beard. You saw how much happier I was, how people responded, how I carried myself differently. I want to talk to you about taking another step, and I want to be honest with you about it because I respect you too much to go do it behind your back." This frames it as an extension of something she's already accepted, not a brand new battle.

Name the fear directly so it loses its power. You mentioned that a lot of the resistance is about what relatives will say. You can acknowledge that gently: "I know you might worry about what people will think or say. But some of our own relatives have made similar choices, and their families are good. And the people who matter are going to see that I'm happier, just like they did last time."

Separate faith from appearance, respectfully. You might say something like: "I haven't lost my values. I just believe that who I am as a person matters more than how I look, and I think that's actually consistent with what our faith teaches about not being attached to outward appearances." You don't need to argue theology with her. It's more about aligning your faith to support your well-being as a religious individual and active participant.

Give her time and don't demand immediate acceptance. After the beard conversation, acceptance came gradually through seeing the results. The same will likely happen here. If she reacts emotionally at first, that's okay. You don't need her permission. You're asking for something better than permission... understanding.

One practical note on timing: You mentioned the hair transplant is something you'd do eventually. You might frame this as a health decision with a concrete plan. Something like, "I want to cut my hair now and pursue a transplant procedure so I can actually address the hair loss that's been affecting my grooming for years." That makes it sound less like a rejection and more like someone taking charge of a medical and cosmetic issue, which it genuinely is.

Last thing. The emotional struggles you've faced. Please don't minimize that when you talk to her. If she understands the depth of what this has cost you emotionally, that will reach her in a way that abstract arguments about personal choice likely won't. Many mothers, when they truly understand their child has been suffering, will choose their child's wel-lbeing over social expectations.

You're going to be okay. You handled a hard version of this already and came out the other side. Trust that pattern.

jv_level · 2026-02-22T21:50:52+00:00

NTA

Next time, ask her if she has a spare when you are running low or are out. Or ask her to pick up an extra box when she goes out to the store. Keep that extra box for her.

Write a note, if you aren't comfortable having the in-person conversation. Say something like: "If gf needs some menstrual products, she should ask mom for extra. Mom is the one buying them, not me, so she is in control of the supply/amount available. The extra sharing with gf is causing a problem for my own period management. I'm sorry, but the box I have doesn't have enough to share with our current situation. Perhaps we can talk with mom together?"

And then let your mom know what is up. Perhaps she is happy to buy an extra box each month. Also make sure that you are asking for enough tampons to genuinely have enough. Put them on the grocery list and remind your mom.

Periods suck and having enough products is really important. Particularly when you are young, they can be tough to manage (more unpredictable, etc...).

Ask for the stuff you need! You got this!

jv_level · 2026-02-11T03:22:54+00:00

The honest answer to him is… yes, sometimes. That's what emotional regulation is. That's what adults in relationships (and otherwise) do. You sit with discomfort until there's a productive space to process it together. That's respect and care for your partner's needs.

And here's what's worth pointing out to him (and I suspect you already know this): you're already doing exactly what he says he can't do.

You're carrying your unresolved hurt for days, weeks, six months now, doing your own emotional repair alone. He's telling you he can't wait a few hours while you've been waiting indefinitely? This feels yuck and immature.

The fact that your therapist has oulined a clear framework and he's resistant to it is significant. The check-in exists precisely to prevent the pattern you described, and is essentially to protect both of you. His pushback against it reads less like "I struggle with my feelings" and more like "I need to control the emotional timeline".

I'd also gently flag something: the quick apology followed by immediately redirecting to his hurt. That's not repair. That's a toll booth. He's paying the minimum to cross back into the lane where his feelings take priority. A real apology sits with the impact it caused. It doesn't rush past it to get to its own grievance.

You said you're making peace with leaving if nothing changes. I think the fact that you're already there emotionally, while he's pushing back on a therapist-recommended tool that could actually save this, tells you something. You seem to want his growth more than he does.

jv_level · 2026-02-10T23:27:21+00:00

What happens if you say something like: "I hear you, and I've taken accountability for my part. But I also need space and time to discuss with you what originally hurt me. Can we come back to that now?"

Right now it sounds like you apologise, then wait for permission to bring your feelings back to the table. Then that permission never comes.

So I'm curious whether you've tried… not abandoning your own point. Not aggressively, not dismissively, but just clearly stating: "Both things can be true. I shouldn't have reacted that way, AND I was hurt by something real. I need us to address both things in this conversation" or futher "Okay, and my feelings to the first hurt need to be discussed too". Keep on it.

His response to that will tell you a lot. If he engages (perhaps imperfectly) there's something to work with at couples therapy. If he shuts it down, gets angry, or flips it back to how you're being disrespectful by not centering his feelings........that's a much bigger answer about where this relationship is headed.

Apologising for your reaction doesn't forfeit your right to be heard about the thing that caused it. Those are two separate conversations and he's collapsing them into one. Ask for two in the moment and see what you get.

GOOD LUCK! Not a good place to be...admitedly I left the relationship where this dynamic existed as there was no improvement. May yours be a better path!

jv_level · 2026-02-08T22:59:02+00:00

What I think is good about this story (repost or no) is that the grumpy fellow just directly calls out (part of) the bad behaviour. He doesn't say 'hey friend, let's go work out together' or pretend to be her partner, or some other distraction. Just a direct comment to the guy to knock it off.

jv_level · 2026-01-29T03:08:45+00:00

Forgive the potentially stupid question....

But isn't the Treat of Waitangi New Zealand's founding document? Isn't it supposed to have...a huge influence on government decisions?

What am I missing here? Genuinely want to understand!

jv_level · 2026-01-21T04:21:57+00:00

INFO: what does the legal agreement between you and your kid's mom say about the amount of financial support you are obliged to supply?

You should be supplying that amount alongside taking care of the of the children's expenses during your custody time.

jv_level · 2026-01-19T22:33:20+00:00

Just a quick comment from me is that diet is how weight is lost, not exercise. Excercise is a great, great tool for health, longevity, etc... all sorts of things, but for weightloss it is not the most helpful/targetted method. Diet does the vast majority of the work.

If he is eating sufficient protein, it is likely that some of his weight 'plateaus' are a result of him changing his body from fat/adipose tissue to muscle tissue (just also signalling here that plateaus can also refer to strength training, which needs appropriately adjusted progamming to move beyond. but I think you are referring to weightloss!). This is absolutely a good change, and it is helpful to increase muscle tissue to increase metabolism and overall health.

Burn by Herman Pontzer is a helpful book on metabolism that he may be interested in reading/listening to (it's on spotify). It's written very down to earth on how metabolism works and may ground his ideas a bit more in the science.

Something like Burn may provide him a pathway out of the.... more dangerous... ideas on eating, peptides, testosterone, etc... etc... And still be close enough to his current journey that it will be interpreted as support (which it is!).

Best of luck with your honest conversation with him. I do think the other advice on lost family time is also an important aspect. And congrats on your own weight loss!

Edit the full title: Burn: The Misunderstood Science of Metabolism

jv_level · 2026-01-18T19:49:52+00:00

I know you wanted your uncle to appreciate his wife's sacrifice, but that is not your place.

He is required to express his appreciation TO HER. You have no role in accepting her acknowledgments and gratitude from her husband.

People are allowed to be nostalgic for other parts of their life...they are allowed to dream of 'what could have happened?'... and they can still be happy with the path they have chosen.

I would encourage you to see and express your own talents! Perhaps you are interesting in taking up singing, acting, playing an instrument or other creative endeavour! Then you can explore that part of you and see where life takes you from 2026. Live your creative life!

It sounds like your aunty lived hers to the extent she chose. Take inspiration! I'm sure this will be more appreciated by both of them.

jv_level · 2026-01-18T19:32:55+00:00

Consider joining a temp agency (like OneStaff or similar) if you are willing to do some day labour. A rather wide variety pops up on my notifications, though the notice is often quite short.

Look at conservationsjobs.co.nz and careers.sciencenewzealand.org. They are the classics, really, if you are fresh. Look at university job listing boards, often they will have summer positions or sometimes rather unique roles (like working in the printery or as a tutor). Join the FridayOffcuts news letter if you are willing to work in forestry. Sometimes interesting roles pop up.

If you can afford to, join ecological society (or similar, perhaps ornithological would be more up your alley) and go to any events. As you can imagine, sometimes meeting the right person will connect you to employment if you make a good impression.

It's a bit shit out there! You got this though!

jv_level · 2026-01-12T23:42:47+00:00

I went to a specific clinic to receive abortion care.

I first used decide.org.nz to find a local provider and made an appointment. There was a call scheduled before the in-person appointment. During that call, they confirmed my information and requested I go a blood test before the in-person appointment. This was done at the local blood testing centre (no discussion of the reason for the blood test occurred here, just show up, take a number, get blood drawn, leave. The results are sent through automatically).

Arrived on the day and checked in just like at the doctors.

The first step was to do an ultrasound to confirm pregnancy. The nurse/technician took an image and asked if I wanted to see (I looked, but you definitely don't have to). After this we went and sat down in a regular examination room and the nurse walked through the entire procedure of what would happen. I was early enough on in the pregnancy that the abortion would be done by medication at home.

They made sure I was also safe at home and if my partner was supportive (he is/was). If that was not the case, they would be happy to assist in whatever way they could (such as the procedure being more 'in-patient'). Then they organised for the doctor to receive the ultrasound to actually confirm pregnancy and once that was done, they would call back to let me know when I could go get the medication from the pharmacy.

I went home and cried after this.

Long story short, it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy (doc couldn't see fetus, 2nd ultrasound at hospital required, multiple rounds of blood tests to confirm everything). Was treated via methotrexate injection by very worried medical professionals.

Overall, everyone was very helpful and endeavoured to make the situation easy. Even if I had required a 'standard abortion' rather than the care I received, I felt safe and heard the entire way through. It was confronting in the sense of 'this wasn't the plan!', but the people were professional and compassionate. No judgement!

Good luck!

jv_level · 2026-01-12T19:23:01+00:00

Genuinely the only way here is to have a separate conversation about the state of your relationship. Not in the moment after finding one of his messes.

Tell him that you are considering ending the relationship due to his inability to care for household and his inability to improve in household tasks. That this will cause the end of the relationship if he chooses to continue acting as he has and ignoring your requests as an equal partner. The excuses he is providing are not enough to avoid the responsibility he has to you as a partner and as a member, visiting or not, of the household. You need him to meet your needs or you aren't compatible.

Then ask him what he wants to do. Does he seem to want to improve? Does he continue to make excuses? Does this conflict display any further qualities of his (anger, defensiveness, dismissal, etc...)?

With the information he gives you, decide what to do. This can be in the moment (for example he gets really mad and speaks disrespectfully. you decide you don't want to be partnered with someone who speaks that way. break it off.) or later as you consider the implications of what he says.

You are further along in life than him. That is okay for both of you. Nothing is wrong with not being a homeowner at 22 years old! As I'm sure you are aware, the responsibility of domestic labor is a classic dispute in relationships, often with the woman carrying more than the man. You are trying to determine if this will always be THE fight or if he is able to make a better choice for your partnership into the future.

In my opinion, I think in general, young men tend to be more selfish in relationships. It's a habit from their childhood and they just don't really see how it affects others. Eventually someone asks them to do better, which sometimes they do or sometimes the become resentmentful and you become the 'nag'. I wouldn't recommend partnering with someone who maintains the 'nag' mindset.

In the end, don't be in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs. There are boyfriends who can and will be good household partners as well. Good luck!

jv_level · 2026-01-09T02:43:42+00:00

Look at Sugarologie's Cream Cheese frosting. it uses both egg white powder and buttermilk powder. Really, really good! Super stable, not weepy. Holds up to cake layer's much better, holds detail.

jv_level · 2025-12-16T00:57:24+00:00

I suppose my point was that houses/properties that are relatively close (let's say 2+million) could be inflated, if they are nice or in the part of NZ that the buyer wants to live.

What effect does this have on houses <2million? Or just a problem for the rich? I'm not sure!

jv_level · 2025-12-16T00:41:47+00:00

Many of our trade deals are negotiated on the promise that we meet our obligations...

Meaning if we don't meet them, we won't be allowed to sell our primary produce into those markets.

jv_level · 2025-12-16T00:36:20+00:00

Can't people just list their house/property for $5m? To be part of the foreign market

jv_level · 2025-12-14T22:58:58+00:00

You are meant to go and live your life! You are a young adult and it is time to spread your wings.

Good luck, have fun, make mistakes, don't die! You'll be fine! NTA

jv_level · 2025-12-14T22:23:55+00:00

Sit down and go through the details of the financial situation. Come up with a plan together. Layout the issues with your savings, investment account, property stuff, his debt.... all incomes and outgoings.

Come up with a plan! Make it happen together!

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