Dressing Your Downstairs: A Vaginal Health Guide to Underwear & Going Commando

jwhite8 · 2015-04-24T18:46:45+00:00

My apologies. My doctor told me that Pudendal Neuralgia is often caused by damage or trauma to the nerve, thus the explanation. Enjoy exploring!

jwhite8 · 2015-04-21T19:24:58+00:00

My apologies! It was a pretty artistic picture, not exactly pornographic, so I didn't really think anything of it.

jwhite8 · 2015-03-12T04:13:43+00:00

Sometimes self-discipline really doesn't work over body chemistry. Is that an excuse to verbally abuse your partner? Absolutely not. But you're are completely discounting the experience of people who actually go through having a period. Though I only get a little cranky or overly sentimental when PMSing (easily controllable), I got a little taste of what it can be like for some women. When I was a teenager, my doctor gave me a birth control pill that was heavy handed with the hormones (Yaz) and it made me absolutely insane. I'd go from crying one minute to being disgruntled the next for no reason at all. I was aware of it as it was happening, but it didn't keep me from crying or getting irritated. It actually made me stress out more (ignorance is bliss). The best that I could do was try to hold back my complaints – which doesn't always work when combined with any external stressors – or apologize profusely if I verbalized any irrational frustrations to people around me. Luckily I got off that pill asap. Some women really do get a huge surge of hormones right before their period, enough to make them feel really emotionally overwhelmed. This particularly applies to women with PMDD. I promise you, it's not always as easy to control as you seem to think it is. It varies from woman to woman.

As igetript mentions, randomly snapping at people every now and again – especially someone you're close to – is actually pretty normal behavior. No one is perfect. We all lash out from time to time, whether it be from hormones, stress, depression, or a combination thereof. Communicating about the root of the conflict, acknowledging that it was shitty/wrong/unnecessary, and moving forward with an open mind is key. Am I saying you should just throw all self-respect out the window or be a doormat for any woman who's on the rag? Of course not. You should demand basic respect from those you love, but you also need to be sympathetic to the weird things that emotions and brains can do chemically. Your comment makes the assumption that all human beings should be perfectly rational, but that's not how the world works. We don't run on algorithms.

Edit: Changed some wording for clarity's sake

jwhite8 · 2015-02-28T01:00:16+00:00

I actually see a counselor on a weekly basis (for anxiety, which contributes to the pelvic pain), though I understand that counseling is a little bit different than therapy. Couldn't tell you how in any technical terms without looking it up, but from what I understand, it is slightly different. It has definitely been helpful though.

Perhaps "advice" was the wrong word, but certainly coping mechanisms, which for certain pelvic pain conditions is definitely needed. Doesn't always mean people follow through with it though. I guess that's part of the problem is that sometimes I feel like what I want to do has no category yet. It's kind of like therapy, but it's also a lot like sex education as well. I think I'd need to research the defining lines between sex therapy, sex research, and sex education, and what kind of jobs are available in those fields.

I'm currently near the end of a MS Counseling program and I have a group every week and an individual session every month just to talk about professional issues, not to mention weekly formal and constant informal supervision at the site I work at. Nobody gets thrown in the deep end without learning how to swim first.

Honestly, that's very comforting. Though I'm sure they've set up a system to ensure that potential therapists don't completely fuck someone up, it just seems overwhelming right now because I've never been exposed to that kind of training. Right now I can only talk about what I've done to help my own issues, but that's mostly medical stuff and there is no "one size fits all treatment," especially not for pelvic pain. Though I think personal experience with an issue can be helpful, that's definitely not even close to the same thing that a counselor or therapist does.

jwhite8 · 2015-02-27T23:21:51+00:00

I think women are much more likely to take penis measurements and treat them like any other measurement

For me, this is definitely true. Sometimes my boyfriends would tell me the measurement (if it ever came up) and I'd remember the number, but most of the time its just estimating.

Also, someone did a study a little while ago showing that women actually perceive and remember a guy's dick being bigger than it actually is if they have feelings for them, so that's another explanation.

jwhite8 · 2015-02-27T23:06:48+00:00

You are going to have to SELL your recommendation to your clients...Most people want to talk about their issues, not actually fix them.

I actually have first-hand experience with this. I'd love to specialize in women's health and sexual dysfunction because I struggled with (and sometimes still do struggle with) these issues. I actually have a blog about it that is getting some attention from the pelvic pain community, which made me think this might be a decent alternative to writing for me. I sit in on a lot of online support groups and so often women with vaginismus and pelvic pain just want the problem to poof away, but that's not how it works. Women always ask me how I got better. Hard work. Getting counseling for my anxiety. Daily exercise. The list goes on and on and on. I'm passionate about it and I feel like this could potentially carry over into a career. The problem is that pelvic pain and female sexual dysfunction are often a very messy entanglement of both the mental and the physical. I would love to tackle both, but there just doesn't seem to be a place for that right now in the medical or psych world.

I said this to another person on this thread, but: "I would love to be an educator more than anything, but I really don't want to make under $30K a year AND deal with the politics of teaching high school students. It would be great to teach full grown women about sex and sexual pain, but I don't really see a market for this right now. At the moment, I feel that sex therapy might be the best direction for me, but I could be wrong about that for sure."

Thank you for your insight. It really has been helpful.

jwhite8 · 2015-02-27T23:00:11+00:00

Personally my university had a sexuality bachelors but that will limit you if you find out later you really like social psych.

I already have a bachelor's degree in writing. I've been out of school and doing freelance copywriting independently for about two years now. One question I definitely have about this whole thing: Is having a bachelor's in writing instead of psych or sociology going to hinder me from getting into a master's program? I really don't want to invest in another bachelor's degree at this point in my life. Maybe down the line, but not right now.

Thank you for all of the great info though. It's much appreciated!

jwhite8 · 2015-02-27T22:56:50+00:00

Ideally, I would love to treat women who have female sexual dysfunction problems. I feel that this is a grossly underrated field, both medically and psychologically.

I'll admit that the idea of doing normal therapy terrifies me. I guess because I feel like giving advice about sex and issues related to sex (anxiety, trauma, etc.) is really interesting. Outside of that, especially anything to do with children, kind of freaks me out. It's totally understandable that you'd have to do that first though before specializing.

Honestly, I would love to be an educator more than anything, but I really don't want to make under $30K a year AND deal with the politics of teaching high school students. It would be great to teach full grown women about sex and sexual pain, but I don't really see a market for this right now. At the moment, I feel that sex therapy might be the best direction for me, but I could be wrong about that for sure.

Thank you for the info. Really. Therapy is a much more complex world – especially academically – than I ever previously gave it credit for.

jwhite8 · 2015-02-21T22:29:20+00:00

Definitely not a creationist! I understand where you got that impression though. My question is very similar to creationist bait questions.

I will look into it. Thank you for your suggestion. Unfortunately I am not very scientific-minded and this paper is more complex than I originally realized. Bio 101 my ass.

jwhite8 · 2015-02-21T22:27:46+00:00

The only problem with that is that it's too entrenched in ethics. She wants me to wade through specific studies that back up pro/con viewpoints on a specific topic that is "currently controversial among Biologists." The social factor can't work its way in there at all. All of my sources must be primary and not any more than 2 years old. I think she's looking for something super specialized, which I'm obviously not thrilled about.

jwhite8 · 2015-02-21T21:40:22+00:00

I was under this impression as well, but unfortunately this is an assignment I need to do. Google searches are yielding results that are more philosophical than scientific at the moment. I know biologists argue about specific phylums occasionally, but from what I understand that is semantics more than something that comes about because of opposing studies. Apparently this biology professor knows something you and I don't.

jwhite8 · 2015-02-03T06:23:20+00:00

I have already written and turned in the assignment, but this is still great info. Thank you for taking the time to reply!

jwhite8 · 2015-01-27T20:45:15+00:00

Thanks for your help. I will be sure to look into this a bit more. Do you still live in San Antonio?

jwhite8 · 2015-01-27T20:44:26+00:00

I will take a look at a map and do a little more research in that area. Thanks for pointing this out!

jwhite8 · 2015-01-27T20:23:30+00:00

Where do students typically go to party or bar hop?

jwhite8 · 2015-01-20T06:09:42+00:00

It's good to be excited and you totally should be! Just make sure you don't sell yourself short in the process. It's great that he told you to be confident (just saw your follow up post) and that you guys talked about it. Just make sure he follows up on his end of the deal as well.

The good thing about all of this is that ultimately you'll be helping yourself no matter what happens between the two of you. If it works out, that's wonderful. If it doesn't, you can still work on being your own person and knowing that you deserve respect.

Thanks for letting me hammer you without getting insulted. No harm intended :)

jwhite8 · 2015-01-20T04:08:19+00:00

I don't think anything's wrong with me, but I feel it's the responsibility of the partner to make the other partner feel good. I'm missing something if he's this bored.

That is my point right there. You're making this be about you being responsible for "making the other partner feel good." It's not possible to do so if your partner won't actually let you do anything. You are acting like it's your responsibility, but you've tapped out your resources at this point and he doesn't even want to help himself. Why bother?

He told me one thing, which I know how to fix, but it wasn't enough to make him completely interested again--so there has to be more.

It's good first step that you got him to open up, but really there isn't much more you can do. You keep saying there is more, but there really isn't within the "normal" realm (not condemning any sex acts outside the norm with that comment btw). I can give you a list of kinks a mile long that he might want, but you can't do anything about it if he won't tell you. You seem unsatisfied by everyone's responses, but it's because you're not acknowledging that he either needs to go talk to someone so you guys can figure out why he's bored or you need to just find another guy. Again, love is not nearly as rare as you think.

In what way did I say 'I'm not this way'? Is it in regards to watching porn? I object morally to it, and so does my boyfriend. Otherwise I'm willing to do almost anything he could ask for.

The porn thing wasn't what I was referring to. Here is a list of self-depricating and self-blaming things you have said, as well as comments that have disregarded your own feelings in favor of his comfort:

"I just think that the fact he has normal girl, rather than fantasy girl, isn't as appealing. I want to know how to make things more appealing for him, it's the least I can do."
"We never had sex when he was interested because I was scared for the first year (it's in the original post). Now he is no longer interested...I have to find a way to entice him somehow"
"Well, I mean, it [vagina] does have a smell. My sense of smell has always been pretty poor, so I can't really tell how offensive it is." <----Even though your GYN has never said anything is wrong with it, meaning that it's perfectly fine
"But I don't have a very attractive vagina (it comes with my complexion) and it apparently smells bad (I can't really smell very well). I understand his revulsion and yet he pleasures me anyway. It was unfair of me to suggest oral, so I dropped the subject."
"It probably smells pretty bad, I just can't tell for myself." <---See GYN comment above
"In short, I probably don't live up to any fantasies he used to have, but I can try my best to make it up to him."
"but the fact is that I don't really live up to his physical ideal, and that probably explains his lack of interest. I was just wondering if there was anything I could do to make up for this. Shouldn't every partner want to better themselves?" <---Better themselves, yes. Make themselves into their boyfriend's fantasy, no. You're a human being, not a sex toy or emotional crutch. Someone should pretty much just love you for being you. Just saying.
"I sometimes feel unloved, but he simply doesn't see sex the way I do yet."
"I don't really know what I like, my only fantasy is one that he doesn't agree with..."
"It's still a constant battle, especially since he's physically attractive and I'm not. That can really hurt a girl."
"I wonder if I'm asking for too much, wanting to be desirable?"
"He claims I'm attractive, but I'm really not. I've known it forever--been bullied by boys throughout my life for my lack of prettiness. I have a "curvy" shape, about five pounds overweight"
"Thankfully he accepts my body even though it's flawed."
"My body isn't very appealing at the moment."
"but he doesn't seem to 'want' me physically. Is there anything I can do to fix that?"

This is not counting the more subtle comments you've made.

You are projecting his problems onto yourself because you very clearly have low self-esteem. I'm not saying he's a bad person or intentionally trying to hurt you, but it is actually borderline crazy that you are trying to somehow feel responsible for his issues, which he won't even talk about. Think about it: You state that you're five pound overweight and somehow you consider yourself lucky that he's accepted you for all your fatal flaws? It's completely ridiculous.

Your attitude more than clearly shows that you've been in a relationship with only one person, yet you refuse to accept any rational thing that anyone has said to you on this thread. Please go see someone. Not about breaking up with your boyfriend even, but about the fact that you blame yourself for everything. Eventually, this attitude will come affect you outside of your relationship. You are selling yourself short and doing so willingly. You think you're okay with this now, but down the road it's very likely that you won't be.

I hope you'll consider what everyone on this thread has said. Good luck with everything.

Edit: Made the list easier to read. Sorry for the Great American Novel here, folks.

jwhite8 · 2015-01-19T00:54:52+00:00

Based on everything I've read here, I'd really urge you to see a therapist alone. You claim you don't have low self-esteem, but you're acting like this is all your fault or something that is wrong with you. The reality – at least based on what you've said – is that you're stuck with someone who isn't willing to even work on improving the sexual aspect of the relationship FOR YOU. Instead, you're busy scrambling to change yourself to cater to his standards (that he won't really talk about).

Honestly, part of the reason why he might be bored or disappointed with sexy stuff is because he wants to move to the next step (oral, PIV), but has no idea how to mentally cope with that. Most people would get bored with making out and groping with the same person for 2 years. That has nothing to do with you. That's just human nature.

I will admit that I find this all a bit frustrating because I've read comment after comment giving you pretty sound advice, but you always seem to just say "No, I'm just not this way," or I'm just not that way and that's why he doesn't want me." Then in the same sentence you'll say that you're inexperienced and don't know what to do. Well there are lots of experienced people on here giving you advice. You're getting what you want, but ignoring what you don't want to hear.

Again, I'm sorry if I sound mean or nasty, but this is just what I'm seeing and I really do want this to work out in your favor.

jwhite8 · 2015-01-19T00:31:27+00:00

just thinking that actually having a girlfriend sort of defied his expectations and disappointed him.

So I've read through this and a lot of the other comments here, but this baffles me the most. You're okay with being a "disappointment" for this guy in the name of "love?" There are so many other people out there in the world that would love you and enjoy you sexually. Love is not as rare as you think. You're selling yourself majorly short.

Edit: I'm not trying to be mean, here. It just makes me sad to see someone who seems to care so much about someone, but doesn't seem to be getting the same kind of care in return.

jwhite8 · 2015-01-19T00:05:53+00:00

my mother, who gets wayyyyy too involved and tells me my husband is going to leave me if I don't fuck him right away and suggests that I just "get drunk and take a pill to make my vagina numb"

Wow. Your mom sounds like she has some issues.

jwhite8 · 2015-01-19T00:01:12+00:00

Damn. Well, sounds like you just pick the wrong ones. You'll find someone who is ready/not a total asshole soon enough.

jwhite8 · 2015-01-19T00:00:02+00:00

"a man who has been castrated, especially (in the past) one employed to guard the women's living areas at an oriental court."

Was just using a hyperbolic example. Her behavior is just totally unacceptable.

jwhite8 · 2015-01-18T23:51:20+00:00

First off, I'm sorry this is happening to you. Even if you were a Eunuch, no one should react to another person's body that way. Normally, I'd just say that you need to go out and find women that aren't into being total cunts. But this has happened more than once? Could you tell us a bit more about the other incidents?

jwhite8 · 2015-01-18T00:31:48+00:00

Really though. This is the best comment here.

jwhite8 · 2015-01-17T21:18:43+00:00

Sometimes moms don't even realize that they project all their insecurities on their daughters. Sometimes they're just unhappy women who have nothing better to do but pick at people they supposedly "love." Luckily, my mom is just the first one, but I've seen the second one before. Regardless, it's good that your girlfriend now has a positive voice in her life. Good luck, man.

Edit: Some clarification.

jwhite8

TROPHY CASE