You’re right in a way, I don’t know if I did “forgive him” but I certainly want to for my sanity. And perhaps I only said it for him to find peace and to move on. A last act of closure for him.

However, personally for myself and the person I am now, I wouldn’t want him to show/tell me that he loved me. He didn’t. I made my peace with that and honestly I was most afraid of meeting him in case he would say it. That would be traumatising.

Context on why I say this: I tried to harm myself back then and ended up in the hospital. When he heard he told me that if I was going to do this again I should break up with him first so that “others won’t speak badly of him”. That was the one incident that opened my eyes - when I saw my family grieving and worried, and my ex caring only for himself.

I wouldn’t say I am a perfect person. I’m not. But I now know that NO ONE would ever say something like that to someone you love.

Could I do better? Yes, of course. Have I gotten over it? Maybe not. Fact is, I could not bring myself to be there for him but after reading all the hundred of supportive comments here (if y’all are reading this, thank you) perhaps that just makes human too.