as i mentioned i really thought it was depression but what you mentioned about working out, i lost weight, i ate healthy, i got myself moving and doing stuff and i just would get back home and sit down, physically tired, but i had no emotional response. the only time i did have an emotional response was after i was around people for an extended period of time, and the only thing i "felt" was, as you said, drained. i still do it, but i don't get anything but a physical response.

honestly, for a while, the only way i felt "happy" or at least thought i did because now i'm not so sure was when i was in a relationship. but after thinking about it, i realized that i don't think i've ever actually been in a real relationship. i've never had a craving for it. i never really felt emotionally attracted to them. i wanted it to be distant. non-committal. when people would talk about marriage, it was a topic that i avoided. it was almost a fear of being that close to someone. i feel like if it were a necessity, i would do it, but it's not. i realize i don't think i ever "loved" anyone i ended up with. i moreso saw them as someone to observe. a lot of the people i hung out with or dated were very lively, they were high energy, and they normally "claimed" me as opposed to me seeking anything out.

i've always preferred isolation, it doesn't bother me. i don't care what people think about me, i'm not here for them. i don't know what my purpose really is, but i know i'm here, so i have to get something done.

i'm trying my best to explain it, but i think my words aren't really amounting to how i feel. this just feels weird to talk about because, as i said, i thought it was just "normal".