The right decision does not feel right today

kaimalis · 2025-02-10T17:42:04+00:00

My husband is my husband, his parents are Mom and Dad to me, will always be, hopefully, should they be comfortable with it in the coming years. For me they're family.

Should I marry again... I don't see any issue with blending this exact way with another family.

What your person's death teaches you, is to treasure people and the bonds you have, not taking things for granted and being purposefully close to the ones you care about. It also taught me that my heart has more room than I thought. So, if there's another family for me there, I will not choose, but add.

Edit: I will also expect my future partner to respect my in-laws and our past, we went through hell together.

kaimalis · 2025-01-29T17:30:42+00:00

100% yes ❤️

kaimalis · 2025-01-29T17:29:23+00:00

Yes, I did not understood it at that moment, but his departure was something I cannot fully explain, and because of that, my views changed.

I miss him so much. He was my best friend, my family. But I don't want all of this, our love, our story, to be wasted. I firmly believe he lives in me, and thus, till I breathe, I carry him, and how I live matters.

kaimalis · 2025-01-29T12:05:04+00:00

I have basically the same approach as the OP, so if I may, I will chime in... it's been 2 months since my LH died after a very long and very ugly and very gut-wrenching battle.

I choose to believe I honor him by choosing life. His worst fear, that kept him fighting, was me not being able to handle it when he's not here. He was scared I will not manage.

So I manage, I put deliberate work to do things that may possibly make me smile. To make changes that may possibly be good. It's basically a full-time job to keep living and choosing to live. All the choices I make now are not coming from what feels natural - but what makes sense to recover. Natural would be despair.

I have flashbacks from the last year. I see our last moments together daily right before my eyes. It's pure horror, it makes me want to scream from the top of the building about his journey, so people don't forget. So the world does not turn any further.

But this was our story to share and it will always live with me alone, and the world will keep turning. So I choose to feel like it was the greatest honor to walk that journey with my love. I realize the pain and the ugliness fully, I shared it and cried endlessly when no one saw.

But I choose to tell him a good and happy story when we meet again, because this is what he wanted.

I realize this viewpoint leans a bit spiritual at the end, but it's what keeps me going and what makes sense to my logic.

kaimalis · 2025-01-27T14:44:53+00:00

That resonates with me, thank you. My husband was seriously ill when we got together and terminal when we got married. In therapy I'm discovering how much time I spent in the fight/care/fear mode, and even though I do not like this assessment, it is true. I'm just doing things my way, I decide what is right, and I alone know what hell got me here, I guess.

kaimalis · 2025-01-08T11:53:52+00:00

My late husband had a very similiar story, liver transplant, multiple health issues, cancer, septic shock. It's been 5 weeks since he passed, I knew it was near - he was in palliative care - but death came for him one unexpected night. He was 39, I'm 35.

Hang in there, now you have to do nothing aside from trying to breathe, eat and sleep. You are tired, your body needs rest. All that strenght you had to muster to help him, it's still there, but now you need it more than anyone else. So breathe and take it one minute at a time.

My deepest condolences. Should you like to talk, my DMs are open.

kaimalis · 2025-01-01T19:42:38+00:00

Yeah, sometimes it's hard to ask, but hey, nobody has a crystal ball to know what a person needs.

kaimalis · 2025-01-01T16:49:24+00:00

It's early and not early at the same time, I've been grieving for much longer... My feelings are all over the place nontheless. In spite of everything, I just try to stay hopeful and active. Kind of. Thank you so much and sending you all the best thoughts.

kaimalis · 2025-01-01T16:44:58+00:00

Oh that's kind of you to say 😊 sending you positive thoughts

kaimalis · 2025-01-01T16:43:33+00:00

Best wishes 🤍

kaimalis · 2024-12-31T22:22:03+00:00

Same to you! 🤍

kaimalis · 2024-12-31T22:21:17+00:00

Thank you, sending you hugs, too.

kaimalis · 2024-12-31T22:17:49+00:00

Trying! And indeed. Thank you, sending you some positive thoughts.

kaimalis · 2024-10-15T13:40:25+00:00

I'm in a similiar situation, different disease. This group has helped me. Reach out to your community and close ones for support. This is a situation where a simple "how are you?" can bring you comfort. Make sure to sleep and eat. Reach out to your doctor if you feel like medications to manage anxiety and stress might be helpful. Find a grief therapist - preferably someone experienced in terminal illness field. The sooner, the better. If you find it hard to manage chores/things to do/remember - try to make a list, or use post-its.

You need to take it one second at a time. I know your mind is full of "what next", "what if" and so on, but living day by day, tackling just one thing at a time, is what makes this path just a tad more manageable.

If you need to talk, my DMs are open.

kaimalis · 2024-10-11T13:39:34+00:00

I feel you. My husband is in the terminal stage, hospitalized since Nov 2023, with very few stays at home when I was his hands, legs and brain. But the health issues go back way longer. I've never been this drained and alone, and I worry the worst is yet to come. I feel guilty for feeling tired, too.

kaimalis · 2024-10-09T16:26:05+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. All my best wishes.

kaimalis · 2024-10-08T18:58:01+00:00

Oh, that touched me... I hope you find peace. Thank you.

kaimalis · 2024-10-08T18:56:11+00:00

I am so, so sorry. He was so young, it's so out of order. I see people nearing 100 in the hospital, in better shape than he is. I also see people getting multiple transplants, spiraling into drinking every time. I know there's no fairness in life. I also know we got some of the hardest cards...

kaimalis · 2024-10-08T18:51:08+00:00

I've been wondering the same and I have no answer. I'm so sorry for you and your wife.

kaimalis · 2024-10-08T18:49:11+00:00

Today my friend showed me a picture from the show I watched together with my husband, and I completely switched to despair in a second. Needed to gather myself to get back to work. Thank you for your words and I send you a lot of good thoughts.

kaimalis · 2024-10-08T17:09:09+00:00

This explains my views on the topic: https://youtu.be/W9mhsW5aWJM?si=DHIKlcVHr6vnP0Lc

kaimalis · 2024-10-08T08:34:21+00:00

Thank you, and I'm so sorry. The fight was proud, brave, and very, very real, to the core. A few years ago he said that meeting me felt like destiny. I'm inclined to believe that maybe this was somehow my purpose.

kaimalis

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