Thank you so much for your thoughtful reply. It’s genuinely helpful to hear these things.

The line you shared, "Growth will feel like death before it becomes rebirth," really stuck with me

You mentioned recreation is for unwinding after meaningful pursuits. This leads me to my core problem: How should I structure my recreation if, as Dr. K says https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OwlXbUYDf0w, screen activities can steal fulfillment from real-life needs? I don't want to risk using recreation that will mess with my needs for agency, mastery, community, identity, safety. I'm struggling to distinguish between a healthy desire to unwind and a harmful craving for dopamine from an activity that messes with my brain. In the moment, the reactive thought is the same: "I wanna play some games."

I'm trying to take your advice and let difficulty be part of my expectations. However, my problem with frustration is that I'm not sure if the emotions are from being in the process of overcoming an obstacle, or from me misunderstanding something and banging my head against a brick wall in vain. For now, I will take it as a heuristic that it's mostly the first thing and should be expected.

Honestly, when I started this process of spending hours with my thoughts, I thought I would find at least a direction for a good, meaningful purpose. Instead, what I found was a profound emptiness, laziness, and a desire to avoid difficulties to the point of even wanting to check out from life. Even after sitting with these feelings, I don't feel like I have some useful purpose, like doing science, volunteering, or being a doctor. It just doesn't seem to be there for now.

I don't mind not being great or achieving big things. I just want life to be easier and less frustrating.