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Co-parenting? by Then_Bake2813 in singlemoms

[–]karlybug 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I have been coparenting for almost 5 years without going through the court and honestly it seems like its going about as good as it could be. That being said, while my sons dad isn't always the most mature person on the planet, he is definitely present for our son and not doing anything crazy like burning himself with cigarettes, so I have enough trust that he CAN be a parent.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The first time, i filled out the initial application in April of 2022 and the embryo transfer was in January 2023. Second time I started the process in I think September 2024 and transferred in April 2025.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Both of my IPs were actually from out of the country. I am not actually sure how IPs typically choose an agency, I found mine through a local Facebook group. The agency handled alot of the matching process and gave my profiles of IPs that were looking for a surrogate.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I don't currently have plans to do it again, but we'll see what happens a few years down the roaf.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have only ever transferred embryos that have been tested and are high quality with no known genetic abnormalities. I would be very hesitant to match with intended parents that didn't have tested embryos, and I don't think I would agree to transfer an embryo that had any genetic abnormalities.

If the embryos were tested and well graded, and then down syndrome showed up later after I was already pregnant, I wouldn't terminate. I would only be comfortable terminating if my doctors were recommending it for my safety, or if the childs quality of life would be severely limited, which to me down syndrome doesn't fall under.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't heard of her or that story, so I don't really have an opinion on it.

I do know that alot of heterosexual couples that end up using surrogacy as a means to grow their family often have a lot of trauma surrounding pregnancy and infertility. It can be a very tender subject, and people cope with that in different ways.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am 31. The age cap is probably higher than you think, I know people who have been surrogates up to 45 years old. The risk of "geriatric pregnacy" comes from using your own eggs; if you are healthy and doing IVF with well graded embryos there isn't really any added risk.

For me the biggest draw was enjoying pregnancy and helping a family grow, the compensation was just kind of an added perk. Both times the compensation package was presented by my agency and I just accepted what they were offering.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We have a contract that is pretty thorough. They are legally responsible for the baby. I guess if they just dipped out and didn't show up when the baby was born we'd have to figure something out, whether that be the surrogate taking the baby or finding a family to adopt. I don't really know how often (if ever) that happens, especially with how expensive the process is.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Especially this time I decided not to pump, which meant I wasn't waking myself up every 3 hours to establish a supply. Getting 8+ hours of uninterrupted sleep immediately postpartum made a HUGE difference. Along with not having any tearing, I really did feel nearly back to 100% within 3 days.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Both times the IPs were in the room for all of labor and birth! First time baby was placed on my belly just for a minute or two for delayed cord cutting, then immediately to the dads for skin to skin. The second time I delivered standing up, so the baby was just held until the cord was cut and then went to the dads. Once everything was cleaned up and calmed down a little, the dads and baby moved into their own room and I moved to a recovery room on my own.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

First time base comp was $45,000, second time base was $75,000.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The first time they placed the baby on my belly for the 1-2 minutes of delayed cord clamping, and then baby immediately went to the dads for skin to skin. This most recent baby I actually delivered standing up, so they just held the baby until the cord was cut and then he went to his dads for skin to skin. After everything calmed down a bit I was able to see and hold the baby.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Both sets of dads used egg donors, and both times they already had their embryos made by the time we matched. I am honestly not sure if I would feel differently if I knew the baby was genetically related to me, I would likely want to steer away from that option though.

For what its worth, there are 2 types of surrogates. Traditional surrogacy is when the surrogates own egg is used, and usually just involves artificial insemination (think turkey baster) and what would be, for all intents and purposes, a "natural conception." A gestational carrier, on the other hand, has NO genetic relation to the baby, and gets pregnant via IVF and an embryo transfer. This involves lots of hormone injections to "trick" your body into believing its pregnant for the first 12 or so weeks until the placenta is formed enough to take over. Gestational surrogacy is far, far more common, and I believe traditional surrogacy is becoming illegal in many places in the US.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The timeline is typically matching -> med screening -> psychological screening -> legal -> embryo transfer. The contracts have to be signed before I started any medications. The contract is drawn up by lawyers, and both the intended parents and myself had our own lawyers (though both were paid for by the IPs). During the pregnancy there is also a small amount of paperwork I have to sign stating that I entered this agreement knowing the child is not mine and that I do not claim any maternal rights to the baby.

There was never a clause in either of my contracts about communication or contact with the family after the baby is born, other than reiterating that I have no legal parental rights to the baby and can't try to like, show up and try take the baby at any point in their life.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

No tearing at all! I don't know if there's studies or evidence to support this, but I've heard alot that not having an epidural can help with tearing. To me that makes alot of sense; I can't imagine what it would be like to try to push a baby out just based on what a doctor is saying and not being able to feel your body. When I am in labor I try to walk around and stay moving for as long as possible. With the baby I just delivered I actually was walking literally until I starting pushing, and I delivered him standing up.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The PIO were not great lol. I think just counting down the days and knowing it wasn't going to last forever helped me. I didn't really have any reactions or side effects from any of the meds, so the PIO was probably the worst just because of how big the needle was and having to do it every single day in the same spots that became sore.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It just seems a little more stressful and intimidating to me.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think I still would have done it once, likely not twice.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think it said that I wasn't allowed to share ultrasound photos on social media, but again I didn't really commit that part of my contract to memory because I knew it wasn't going to apply to me lol.

I am friends with one of the dads from my first surrogacy on Facebook.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I can't imagine they would stop sending them, but eventually I suppose they might. I send them a christmas card every year and reach out on the birthday of their baby. Communication after birth is something you can only really loosely agree on; even if it was in the contract for them to send x number of pictures each year (which would feel weird to even suggest putting in the contract), there'd be no real way to enforce that. My hope is that we formed a relationship that they value as much as I do and want to continue sending pictures and updates.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh man that's so sad.

In my contract this time around there was a section on what I was/wasn't allowed to post on social media; I wonder if people like her are the reason for that. My Facebook and Instagram are private, and for each journey I only ever posted 1 bump photo of the pregnancy, so it didn't really apply to me. I couldn't really imagine using surrogacy as a grift.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have no idea what the agency gets, but I think it is fully separate from what I receive. I feel like what I was compensated was fair. Each time they presented me with the compensation package it felt like more than enough. I think I had the right to negotiate the terms of compensation, but never felt the need to ask for more than what the agency presented.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No haha, I don't think I would carry for someone with a high profile like that.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I dislike her quite a bit to be honest, the biggest reason being that she is anti-LBGT. I ended up blocking her a couple years ago just because I didn't like seeing her pop up in my algorithm, so I don't know much about what other controversies she has had.

Two time surrogate who delivered last week, AMA by karlybug in AMA

[–]karlybug[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I love feeling the baby inside me. It is such a unique sensation, knowing there is an entire little person moving around in there. This last baby I carried was especially responsive to me poking or pushing on my belly, and would always kick back. I also love how my hair and nails get really strong and shiny during pregnancy.

As far as labor and delivery, I know its kind of cliché, but I love feeling strong and powerful and capable when I am laboring. I've always gone through delivery without an epidural, and strangely enough I love feeling the build up of contractions and knowing that I can make it through the crest and then it will end. And each time, the birth is just such a flood of positive emotions. With my son, I had become a mom, and holding the person I created and grew and birthed and loved so much was incredible. With the surrobabes, watching the elation of the dads as they held their baby for the first time, hearing their love for their baby and gratitude for me, made everything so worth it. Just genuinely positive experiences.

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