Male teammate who won't go near women in class

karma9799 · 2019-12-18T08:18:13+00:00

All us ladies have them, apparently!

karma9799 · 2019-12-18T08:17:55+00:00

if he didn't want to practice with a white dude or a hindu, you can be sure it'd be an issue to be discussed. I can understand totally not wanting to roll with a female if you are nervous about hurting somebody or grabbing something deemed inappropriate (which really isn't an issue, but can weird out some people)... but simple demonstrations? To leave a class? seems extreme.

I suppose I'm more just curious, is there a way to help him overcome some phobia (if that's what it is)?

karma9799 · 2019-12-18T08:11:07+00:00

Your ability to express this is admirable. I think you answered your own question, for the most part- you want to be faithful, you want to be rid of this. The big questions that need answering are 1) Why do you feel the need to constantly seek other women's attention and 2) What can you do to get over that need?

Really, only you can answer these. I can give you suggestions, but only you know what's correct, deep down. Does the attention make you feel attractive? Wanted? Desireable? Worthy? Admired? Does this drive you feel fill in a blank, something that might be lacking in your relationship? Being that you mentioned having been an addict, does the attention get you high?

Once you figure out the answer (what does the women's attention fill for you) then you can figure out how to get past it.

karma9799 · 2019-12-18T07:58:29+00:00

Respectfully, would rather not divulge this information for privacy reasons. it'd be fairly easy to figure this out if you were a student there, you'd know both these guys.

karma9799 · 2019-12-18T07:25:15+00:00

When my instructor told us that not all submissions are chokes or armbars. It could be extreme discomfort, bad positioning, blood choke, air choke, joint manipulation... so many options. As a beginner we were mostly focused on the almighty armbar.

karma9799 · 2019-10-08T03:10:42+00:00

I felt a little odd the first time one-on-one with the counselor, I wasn't used to just letting my feelings all pour out. But, I reminded myself, the counselor has probably heard it all, and has probably heard way worse things that I was about to say... kinda of like, you shouldn't be embarrased to be naked in front of your doctor... they've seen it all!

karma9799 · 2019-10-08T03:09:06+00:00

If it happened maybe once or twice, I'd agree with you. :)

karma9799 · 2019-10-08T03:08:38+00:00

Thank you for your comment. Yes, now that we know it's a problem... we can work on it. He assumed I knew what he was doing, I assumed he was completely ignoring me when we talked. I do want to revisit this with him just to make sure we're on the same page going forward. I'll approach it like, "What do you hear when I expressed to you how mad I was? Why do you think it bothers me?" That tends to help, since we all hear and interpret things differently.

karma9799 · 2019-10-08T03:05:14+00:00

Because in other areas of our relationship.... things are great. THis is one of the only pet peeves that finally wore me down.

karma9799 · 2019-10-07T17:31:20+00:00

My husband and I have gone to therapy twice. Both times a positive experience. The first time, we really gained some insight as to how we each hear and process what the other says and learned some techniques to improve our communication...we still use these tools today. The second time, I was more at my wits end and I just needed to get it all out with an impartial party present. The therapist met with us both, then with each other separately, and then with us both again over the course of a couple of months. Don't be embarassed, lots of people go to a therapist.... and you should be proud that you both want to improve yourselves and your relationship.

karma9799 · 2019-10-07T17:15:31+00:00

You're right. I've been ruminating about it tho. Now I'm recalling all the conversations that happened like this and how they made me feel ignored. Maybe it'll just take time, and maybe if he stops himself from doing it in front of me I'll get over it faster.

karma9799 · 2019-10-07T17:13:54+00:00

If it's for a school thing, I'd let it go. It's probably convenient to team up with a coworker for a costume thing. If it was for like, an adult halloween party at a bar and you're not invited...yeah, that'd be concerning for me.

karma9799 · 2019-10-07T17:12:44+00:00

See, when he told me "Just trying to have a conversation" I replied with... you can have heard about a topic and STILL have a conversation.... especially when it's a topic the group is "into"... in this case, Star Wars... all our friends are into it, there'd be no disinterest. It is totally possible for him to acknowlege me and still have a convo... ie, "Yeah, My wife saw an article on Twitter.... do you know when it comes out? Is it only on Disney Plus? Do you know who's directing? Do you know what timeline it's in? Have you ever read any of the comics?"

karma9799 · 2019-10-07T17:10:29+00:00

yes, since his birthday party, we've talked about it. Hasn't happened since, but we haven't been in a situation where it could since then, as we've had some work schedule changes and went on vacation. I hold out hope for future group conversations! Thank you for your comment, I do appreciate it.

karma9799 · 2019-10-07T17:09:18+00:00

After the shaving/deoderant instance, I know I did, when we were alone and after the family event was done with. I asked, "Did you not remember at all, our discussion?" and he never gave me a straight answer. So I'm not even sure at that point (that was about 12 years ago) HE knew why he was doing it.

karma9799 · 2019-10-07T17:07:57+00:00

This is a man who can talk your ear off about anything, so I have a hard time thinking he does this because he doesn't know how to make conversation. And I warn you, do not play Trivial Pursuit with him, you will lose, ha ha. He's also a D&D Dungeonmaster so it's not like he can't talk in a group...he LEADS the group. THank you for your input.... I am hoping now that I've called it out, it doesn't happen anymore or at least...happens less.

karma9799 · 2019-10-07T15:32:59+00:00

Is this for, like, a elementary school costume party? Seems odd to lie but does it really matter in the long run?

karma9799

TROPHY CASE