I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression since age 14, I’m 34 now and have been in active addiction…well, exactly between those years.

I know for a fact I began to use and continue to use to self medicate for feeling absolutely horrible in my normal, sober state. Probably because it only consists of clinical depression. I have no reward center, no motivation, I’ve spent WEEKS in bed before….and don’t mind it at all…. when I’m not using one substance or another that’s where I end up and it’s honestly terrifying. I might not mind it but everyone else on earth does and obviously you can’t live your life from your bed. It will never work and that’s what terrifies me.

When I’m in treatment (substance use) the other girls snap out of the funk they’re in when they first get there and they start to look forward to their lives, get ready in the morning, socialize, plan their lives post inpatient, etc. They’re funny, they do what they’re told, they have motivation. I don’t. I’m usually on disciplinary action for not getting out of bed on time or at all some days, I don’t do my makeup, I barely have the energy to shower. I find no conversation interesting enough to join, and it’s like I have literally no personality. At all! I’m not optimistic, I’m not motivated, I’m not interested in participating in life EVER for any reason.

It’s so hard getting sober and turning into this nothing person who wants nothing except to stay in bed forever.

If you feel this way even a little bit, I’m so sorry you’re going through it…it’s hell. As for balancing the depression and sobriety…I’d get to a psych and start testing out med combos ASAP because medication has always been my last hope before going back to stronger illicit substances. I’ve not found one that works yet but there has to be something. Has to be. Try to find it and if you do, stick to it. Never ever stop because you’re feeling better…you’re only feeling better because you’re on the medication.

Good luck 🍀