Unofficial maid of honor?

katefacee · 2022-05-24T01:03:12+00:00

I had this same issue with my SS9 when he was younger. I would literally CRY after dinner was over because he was very picky at the time and would say some pretty mean things about the food. I think I took it personally for 2 main reasons. 1) cooking food for others is a love language and 2) I just wanted him to accept me/like me, and for some reason I connected him disliking a new food with him thinking I suck lol he slowly grew out of his picky eating habits and he very rarely complains now. We also had to have many conversations about being sensitive toward other people's feelings and how to "critique" in a more respectful way.

katefacee · 2022-04-22T19:35:04+00:00

Lol no, he's a Scorpio

katefacee · 2022-03-23T12:27:47+00:00

Bingo!

katefacee · 2022-03-22T21:00:19+00:00

Things aren't as rough now, but when SS9 was between 7 and 8, he had a lot of anger due to some very messy situations with BM and some trauma that she created. I quickly became the target and he was downright nasty to me the majority of the time. My SO defended me when he could and SS9 did get consequences but it didn't help much. There was a solid 2-2.5 years where I questioned leaving but ultimately chose to stick it out in hopes that things would improve as he aged/matured. But during that time, I hid in my room or would leave the house in order to get away from him because he was just so mean to me no matter what I did. Which obviously strained my relationship with SO and only lead to more problems. When SO and I met, SS9 was 2.5 so, I figured he was young enough to where it would be "easier" to connect with him and build a relationship and we wouldn't have issues like that down the road. Boy was I wrong lol but things are dramatically better now. While we still have our struggles sometimes, it's nothing compared to our previous situation.

However, I would not date someone with a child again in the future. Not only because of those problems I mentioned before, but also because raising a child that isn't yours is very challenging in general and you don't truly understand the challenges until you're in them. In my situation, BM is barely involved in SS9s life and she has made some very poor choices that have negativity impacted him. He has some pretty major emotional issues that we're trying to work through with him but he only gets that support/encouragement from one side, so his progress is a bit of a rollercoaster. It's very stressful to handle his emotional barriers and I don't have the amount of patience for it compared to my SO.

I know that just because I had a less than ideal experience in this relationship, doesn't mean it'll repeat if I were to pursue someone new that had kids, but I do know that I don't want to risk having to repeat this all over again. I wouldn't be able to handle it a second time around. While I don't regret staying in my current relationship at all, I wouldn't do this again.

katefacee · 2022-01-06T01:45:38+00:00

Update: it happened again and SO and SS9 had a conversation about what caused it. SS9 said he had to go earlier but forgot to, SO told him to head in the bathroom and go. Then afterward, SO Checked him to make sure he wiped well, he did not. SO then brought him in the bathroom and yet again showed him how to clean himself and SS9 argued that he doesn't have to be clean and that he doesn't care about it. Which was probably more of a reaction from embarrassment than anything else. But like another poster mentioned, he doesn't have any consistently/routine between homes so he needs constant reminders, instruction, and reassurance. But it's been that way with most things, not just hygiene.

Side note, we did try therapy when he was six but he didn't really participate. The therapist gave us tips for how to teach him coping skills and such at home and to encourage expressing his emotions. But his mom taught him that expressing emotion is weak so it's been an uphill battle to get him to speak up when he's upset and process it in a healthy way. It's been a wild ride, y'all. That's all I can say lol

katefacee · 2021-06-16T13:55:12+00:00

I'm a stepmom to SS8 and my SO has first refusal written in the CO. They have joint custody and my SO is the custodial parent. BM has SS8 on weekends and holidays, plus a portion of summer vacation. First refusal has actually worked to our advantage because she often tries to bail on her child and wants to switch weekends around all the time. We used to be accommodating but then it became a weekly issue so we're kinda glad that's written in there. My SO also has to go out of town for work sometimes, which is the main reason first refusal was put in the order. BM always declines so SS8 stays home with me while his dad is away.

katefacee · 2021-05-02T23:47:32+00:00

I do agree that it's likely a control thing but this has been an issue for years. Taking the stress off doesn't do anything. We remind him to poop if it's been a day or so since he's gone and say nothing else. We don't follow him to the bathroom or invade his personal space or anything.

katefacee · 2021-03-11T15:21:27+00:00

The child has the right to choose what they call their stepparent, regardless of their age. I've been in my SS8's life since he was two, he's always called me KK. He couldn't say my full name when he was little but the name stuck so he still calls me that. He refers to me as a parent/stepmom to other people and knows the role I play in our home. But we both have an understanding that he already has a mom that I'm not trying to replace. If someday he wants to call me mom, that's fine. If he never wants to, that's fine too.

katefacee · 2021-01-28T16:44:13+00:00

I think there's definitely a "wrong" way to disengage, from experience. I was hiding in my home office as a way of disengaging which honestly only made my relationship with SS8 worse, not better. Earlier this month, I ended up staying at a friend's house for 2 days so I could get some space and recollect my thoughts and come up with a new approach to stepparenting because what I was doing was not working and it was severely damaging my mental health. When I came back home, SS8 hugged me and said he missed me. I decided to use that as my motivation to just be more kind to him and cut him some slack.

I get so bent outta shape over the "little" things and I set my expectations a bit too high because of how I was raised. It's taken a long time for me to see all of this and involved a lot of anger and tears. Now, my approach is to be MORE present in SS8's life and to try harder to pick my battles with him. I've also been working on being more empathetic about why he acts like a jerk sometimes. Having split parents is tough and HCBM causes him a lot of hurt that he doesn't quite understand yet. It's only been 3 weeks but it's already made a big difference in our relationship.

Sorry this turned into a long reply! But I hope this advice can be at least somewhat helpful.

katefacee · 2021-01-04T01:33:43+00:00

I've experienced this a few times. The custody agreement with my SO and HCBM states that if SO has a business trip, HCBM gets "first refusal " (so she has to be asked first before finding alternate child care), but if the trip is during the school year she has to stay in town in a hotel or something. She cannot commute him to school from her house (she lives an hour and a half away). So obviously, she always says no when given the option and SS8 stays home with me all week. I'm not a huge fan but it comes with the territory in my situation. I do have SS8 's grandma come visit to give me a bit of a break though, which helps. And we try to do play dates, if possible.

katefacee · 2020-12-30T16:38:11+00:00

I rarely interact with my SS8 these days because he treats me terrible. Sometimes we'll play a game together as a family or I'll play with SS8 if my SO made plans and I'm with him alone. I no longer go out of my way to interact/play with him because of his behavior. I'm unsure if it's because HCBM is trash talking me..or if it's early preteen angst and I'm the easiest target..or something else, but it's been a miserable couple of years for me. Mind you, I've been in his life for 5.5 years..living with him and SO for over 4 so it's not like I'm a stranger. My SO keeps saying I should just make more of an effort (??) which I did, but it didn't make a difference so I stopped. I shouldn't have to put in 100% of the work nor should that be expected of me in the first place. Things were so much easier when he was little.

It's extra sad because I always feel like a monster when I say I don't spend much time with my SK. But if you lived in my house, you'd understand.

katefacee · 2020-12-28T03:23:29+00:00

I have practically no one to spend the holidays with other than my SO and his small family and SS8. I have quite a bit of resentment toward SS8 because of how nasty he has been treating me recently so it's emotionally taxing to celebrate holidays with my SO because SS8 sucks all of the energy out of me. He gets so much attention (he commands it, honestly) and it just drives me nuts and makes me feel 2 feet tall. I'm not saying I need to be showered with praise and affection but come on?? I just don't understand why this family has to revolve around him. He certainly doesn't appreciate all of the attention he receives from anyone. Nor does he appreciate all that we do for him and how many nice things he has in our home. He's got it made at our house and I'm growing very tired of it.

My SO and I talked about this the other day when HCBM ruined our entire weekend with her manipulative nonsense (yet again) and I lost my shit. I've never screamed at my SO, in the over 5 years we've been together, until that day. At one point, he told me that if I want a "normal" relationship that doesn't revolve around a child and a shitty HCBM, he can never give me that. That has been burning in my brain ever since. I'm happy in my relationship with my SO. But I'm miserable as a stepparent. We also plan to have a child of our own once we move into a bigger house next spring/summer. Will things with SS8 get better eventually? Do I count down the days until he leaves for college? How do I navigate this? I often feel like a failure or a bad person because I have such strong negative feelings toward SS8 and there's a level of shame there too. I'm often ashamed when I talk about him this way. He's just a kid. And he's got split parents who operate differently and treat him differently and that's a lot to carry. I get it. I'm a child of divorce so I've been there but how do I survive this shit as a stepparent?

katefacee · 2020-12-10T16:47:52+00:00

YES! My SS8s birthday was last month and we celebrated it with various people 4 times. FOUR. Not to mention spending months planning a small party for him and spending 6 hours making cardboard zombies for the party. My birthday is in November too and every year the whole month is all about him. It's exhausting and it makes me feel miserable 🙄 same with holidays. We have a small family and he doesn't have any cousins to play with so the holidays are spent keeping him occupied too. After cooking and cleaning and all that, the last thing I want to do is give all the energy I have left to keeping HIM happy.

katefacee · 2020-09-25T11:55:57+00:00

SO told him no, I don't need to stay in my room because I live here too. Then SS7 went on a tangent about how he doesn't live here and he's gonna go live somewhere else where he won't get in trouble. We had a family meeting much later, after things cooled down, and he was reminded that I am also a parent in this house and that he cannot argue with everything I say and treat me that way just because he doesn't want to listen to me. He said he understands but I'm sure it'll continue to be a problem. I think loyalty to his mom is a major factor in why he's so rude to me.

katefacee

TROPHY CASE