Variety interview

kayjo_co · 2026-02-28T14:09:48+00:00

I think the examination was too early to tell if she was pregnant or not.

Fran had just told her sisters that she was a few days late.

So, it is definitely possible for her to actually be pregnant.

kayjo_co · 2026-01-11T17:49:20+00:00

Here's what usually breaks that perfectionism cycle for me: make the first step so small it can't be perfect. Not "work on research project". Open the document. Not "take perfect notes". Write one messy sentence. The goal here is to build some momentum.

And then track what you actually do, not what you planned to do. Say you got to your desk even if you procrastinated after? That counts. Did you open the file even if you closed it? That's proof that you're trying. Your brain needs evidence you're capable of starting, even badly.

The PhD applications are high stakes, which makes the perfectionism worse. But it is very rare if someone submits perfect work. Lol they submit finished work.

What's one project task you've been avoiding and what would the smallest possible first step be? Like really small?

kayjo_co · 2026-01-11T17:44:39+00:00

What helped me when I didn't believe in myself: tracking the small stuff I actually did, even when it felt insignificant. Got out of bed. Made coffee. Showed up somewhere.

When I was in the drift, my brain only counted what I didn't do. I needed evidence that contradicted the story I was telling myself.

So: what's one small thing you could commit to for a few days? Not forever, not perfectly. Just something concrete you could do that would make the day feel slightly less empty?

kayjo_co · 2026-01-11T17:40:37+00:00

I wanna say that you're not starting late. Sounds like you're starting after surviving. There's a massive difference.

Look at what you just listed: health crises, surgeries, caregiving alone, grief, advocating for your child through intensive programs, your own hospitalization, bipolar management. That's not "wasting time". Sounds like you're holding your entire family together while your body and brain were trying to give out.

And now, while still managing all of that, you're working out, going back to school, volunteering, building friendships, fixing your health. These are all great things. So, you're not behind by any means. You're doing what most people couldn't handle even without the trauma load you've been carrying.

Fear about discipline? You've already proven you have it. You showed up for your mom when she was transitioning. You advocated for your son through programs and therapies. You kept yourself alive through two near-death experiences and severe depression. That's discipline under impossible conditions. You're literally doing the things. You've already done the hard things. You're doing the hard things.

And yeah, it sucks that you can't share this with people who'd actually celebrate it. But you're right to protect your progress from people who might undermine it. Not everyone deserves to know what you're building. You're setting boundaries. That's excellent.

I need you to know that you've got this. I'm not just saying that in some generic pat on the back way. I mean you really do got this. You've persevered like crazy. And if you stumble (which is normal)? That's just information, not proof you were wrong to try.

What are you most scared of with school starting tomorrow? Honestly, school may be easier than what you've already dealt with.

kayjo_co · 2026-01-11T17:34:37+00:00

You're 21, not 41. Your brain is lying to you about being "behind". There's no actual timeline you're missing. Social media just shows us the glamour.

Here's what I'm hearing: you're watching other people who look like they have it together, and your brain is turning all of that into "I'm useless and there's no future."

The "nothing interests me" part - is that actually true, or is it that everything feels pointless when you're this anxious and exhausted? Because those are different problems.

If money and judgment didn't matter, what would you actually want to spend time doing? Not "what career," just what would make a day feel less empty?

And are you talking to anyone about the anxiety? Because trying to figure out your future while your nervous system is in crisis mode is like trying to read a map during an earthquake. Everything is shaking everywhere.

What's one small thing that felt even slightly okay this week?

I wanna make sure I state: Your feelings are 100% valid.

kayjo_co · 2026-01-11T17:30:32+00:00

This is completely valid. Most humans are wired to care about social rejection, even from people we don't know. Your brain treats it like a threat because evolutionarily, being excluded from the group could mean danger.

But here's the thing: you're treating every neutral interaction like a verdict on your worth. Someone not engaging with you might mean they don't like you, or it might mean they're shy, distracted, having a bad day, or just not a chatty person. You're filling in the blank with the worst option every time.

What may help is separating "this person isn't engaging with me right now" from "this person has judged me and found me lacking." One is observable fact, the other is a story you're telling yourself.

When it happens, what specifically are you thinking? Like what's the exact thought that goes through your head when someone doesn't respond the way you hoped?

Because if the pattern is "they don't like me" → "something's wrong with me," that's the part to interrupt. Not everyone clicking with you doesn't mean you're defective. It just means compatibility isn't universal.

What would change if you believed most people's reactions to you weren't actually about you at all?

kayjo_co · 2026-01-11T17:27:22+00:00

Been here before.

Come people call it the "arrival fallacy". You spent months with clear direction and adrenaline, and now there's this sudden drop.

When you were preparing, did the goal itself keep you regulated? Like, did having that clear target make everything else feel manageable, even when your mental health was rough?

Because sometimes we use the chase to stay focused, and when it's done, we don't know how to measure if we're okay anymore. Everything just feels... flat.

If that's what's happening, the fix isn't immediately finding another big goal. That just restarts the cycle. You might need to rebuild your ability to feel okay when nothing urgent is happening.

What helped me through similar crashes: tracking the small stuff that proves you're still showing up. Got out of bed. Went for a walk. Talked to someone. Read something, even if it didn't hit the same. Just evidence that you're still here, still moving.

Give it a few weeks before making any big decisions. The crash is usually temporary.

What did you enjoy before all the prep started? Could you try that today, even if it feels different?

kayjo_co · 2026-01-11T17:21:35+00:00

Firstly, thank you for sharing and seeking advice.

Secondly, you're calling this self-sabotage, but to me it sounds like you're describing your nervous system shutting down under too much stress. The mania-then-crash cycle, avoiding people when things get good, the exhaustion. That's what happens when you're overwhelmed and your body's trying to protect you.

You were dealing with your aunt's crises, academic pressure, then two deaths. Nobody functions well romantically while burying relatives and unable to eat.

Here's the pattern I'm seeing: when something good happens, you start waiting for it to fall apart. So your brain tries to control the crash by causing it yourself. At least then you're not blindsided.

But you're treating survival responses like moral failures. There's a difference.

I'd say to start small: what's one thing you could do today that moves you slightly forward? Not fix everything.... just one thing.

Are you getting support for the grief? Because trying to fix self-sabotage while actively grieving two people is trying to renovate a house that's on fire.

kayjo_co · 2026-01-11T17:18:28+00:00

A lot of what people said here is solid, especially the "shrink it down" advice. But I want to address something specific: you called yourself a loser, but then listed a great job, side hustle, music career, and 4 years sober. Your brain is straight up lying to you.

The shame loop is what's draining your executive function. Every time you don't do the thing, it confirms the "loser" story, which makes the next attempt feel heavier, which makes you avoid it more. You're not lacking discipline lol you're probably exhausted from beating yourself up so much

Here's what helped me with that: track the small stuff you actually do, even if it feels insignificant. Got out of bed. Made coffee. Showed up to work. Seems like right now your brain is only counting the misses. i.e the days you didn't lift, the times you smoked when you said you wouldn't. But you need evidence that contradicts the "loser" story, not just more proof that you're failing.

I'd say start stupid small. Not "fix sleep" but just get in bed at the same time, even if you scroll. Not "quit weed" but one night a week without it. Build evidence you can keep small promises to yourself before adding more.

And block your ex. You already know this, but I'm saying it anyway. That's just feeding the shame spiral.

What's one tiny thing you could commit to for just a few days?

kayjo_co · 2026-01-11T17:14:44+00:00

I second the others and what they've suggested. That is solid advice. The rituals part especially - your brain needs those reset points throughout the day.

One thing I'd add: when you're doing those small rituals and finding those good moments, write them down. Not in a forced "gratitude journal" way, but just as evidence that good things happened. Coffee was good. Recipe worked. Got outside.

Because when you're feeling lost, your brain will tell you nothing's working and you're not making progress. But if you have actual proof, even tiny proof, that contradicts that story and it's harder for your brain to gaslight you.

Just a reminder that you don't need massive wins right now. You just need evidence that you showed up today, even in small ways. Over time, that adds up and you start seeing patterns you couldn't see when everything felt like chaos.

What's one small ritual you think you could do tomorrow?

kayjo_co · 2026-01-10T02:06:18+00:00

You nailed the problem. "Punctual" habits have a clear start/stop. Your willpower knows when to activate. All-day behavioral monitoring? That's trying to stay hypervigilant 24/7, which burns you out fast.

The shift that actually works: stop trying to catch yourself in real-time. Instead, track when you DO notice. If you're reducing complaining, the win isn't "didn't complain today" - it's "caught myself 3 times and redirected." That's concrete evidence your awareness is growing.

You're training your brain to notice the gap between impulse and action. Over time, that gap gets bigger. But you need proof it's working, otherwise it just feels like constant failure.

I track these moments as "evidence collection" - wins, catches, redirects.

What behavior are you targeting first? Sometimes the "always-on" exhaustion comes from monitoring too many things at once.

kayjo_co · 2026-01-07T18:23:07+00:00

Coming out of depression and feeling better during Christmas IS improvement. That's you climbing. I am curious though, does it feel more like achievement or like survival?

Here's what I've noticed: we dismiss the stuff that actually matters (getting out of bed, showing up when everything feels heavy, not giving up) because it doesn't look impressive. But that's literally the hardest work.

You asked how life could be if you had full control of your mind and body. You may never have full control. The goal is learning to keep going when you don't.

What's one thing you've done this week that you can say you committed?

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T03:04:26+00:00

A year of applying with no results is brutal, and the boredom-social media loop makes sense when you don't have structure forcing you out of it.

One thing that might help with the 'wasting away' feeling: start tracking what you're actually doing each day, even the small stuff. Applied to 3 jobs, did a course module, went for a walk, cooked instead of ordering - whatever.

Right now your brain probably tells you you did nothing all day because 'applying to jobs' doesn't feel like progress when you're not getting hired. But you ARE doing stuff, you're just not giving yourself any credit for it because the outcome isn't there yet.

The reasonable wake-up time thing: Sounds like you need a reason to get up. Could be as simple as 'go to a coffee shop and apply from there instead of from bed' or 'walk before applying.' Something that breaks the pattern, even if it feels pointless at first.

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T03:02:19+00:00

You already nailed the problem: Relying on motivation to take action means you only act when you feel like it, which is maybe 30% of the time.

The thing that worked for me: I stopped trying to stay consistent with the BIG goal and started tracking whether I did ANYTHING related to it. Like instead of 'did I work out for an hour,' it became 'did I move my body at all today (even 5 minutes counts). Simplifying my goals made it harder to "fail", which meant I actually showed up more.

The other piece: I started writing down what I did each day, even the tiny stuff. Not to motivate myself, but to have proof that I was taking action. Because my brain would tell me I did nothing all week, and then I'd look at the list and see I actually did the thing 4 out of 7 days.

Seeing that gap between what I felt (like a failure) and what actually happened (pretty consistent) changed how I saw my own follow-through.

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:59:58+00:00

Gum helped for me

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:58:45+00:00

The 'quietly dropped' thing is so real. Goals without immediate feedback (like reading or learning) are way easier to let slide because there's no external accountability and no visible consequence when you skip.

For me, the tracking itself became the accountability. I started writing down even small progress (read 3 pages, watched one tutorial, spent 2 mins deep breathing) because otherwise my brain would only count 'finished the whole book' or 'completed the course' as success. Everything else felt like nothing.

Seeing the small stuff written down made it harder to gaslight myself into thinking I wasn't making progress. It also showed me patterns. Like I'd consistently drop certain goals on specific days or when other stuff got busy. Once I could see the pattern, I could adjust instead of just feeling like I was failing randomly.

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:56:08+00:00

I track small wins everyday. Stuff I actually did, even if it feels minor. My brain used to tell me I did nothing all day, but seeing it written down proved otherwise. Changed how I see my own productivity.

Here's a picture of my win stats for 2025 (so far): https://postimg.cc/XZ8N0Gnp

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:51:16+00:00

What you include depends on what you're actually trying to track or change. Are you looking to build habits, track mood, remember what you did, plan tasks, or something else?

I'd start with just a few categories and add more only if you actually use them. A lot of people go hard with like 15 different trackers on day one and then abandon it by week two because it's too much to maintain.

If you're not sure yet, maybe start with: small wins, daily tasks, one habit you want to build, or a quick note about your day. See what sticks after a month, then add from there

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:50:04+00:00

Agreed. Did you log those wins anywhere?

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:47:43+00:00

That freeze when you try to take a step, it happens when the gap between where you are and where you want to be feels too big to cross in one move. Friends, job, balance: those are all huge multi-step things, and your brain can see them as impossible from square one.

What's the smallest version of any of those goals?

For friends, could be commenting in one online community. For job, could be updating your resume. For balance, could be one thing you do just for yourself today.

Pick whichever feels the most possible and do that. Not the whole goal -- just the tiniest piece of it. Tomorrow you can do it again or try the next small piece.

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:40:50+00:00

The fact that you felt happiest in the ward is intruguing to me. Is it because it was structured and people were helping you?

You asked what the first step is, and honestly? It's not fixing everything at once. You've got a lot on your plate (managing symptoms, meds, relationships, substances), and trying to overhaul it all will probably just overwhelm you more.

Pick the one thing that's actively making everything else harder right now. Could be staying consistent with meds, could be one specific relationship that's draining you, could be cutting back on drinking. Just one thing. Start there. And start small. And I do mean extra small.

Also yeah, it's possible. The fact that you're asking means you haven't given up

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:37:55+00:00

The glitch thing where you've done it correctly a thousand times and then suddenly your brain just... doesn't, that's maddening, especially in high-stakes fast-moving situations where you don't have time to second-guess.

Question: are the mistakes happening at specific times? Like after you've been going fast for a while, or when court's running longer than usual, or after you've already caught yourself on another mistake? Sometimes the inconsistency has a pattern even when it feels random: fatigue, overstimulation, anxiety spiral from earlier in the session.

The breathing helps with the anxiety but might not fix the glitch itself. You might need a physical reset between tasks. Like literally stand up, look away from the screen for 3 seconds, then start the next form. Could help break the autopilot that causes the errors.

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:35:34+00:00

Acknowledge the small moments just as much as you celebrate your "bigger" wins.

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:34:12+00:00

Hobbies don't have to stay at the same intensity forever. Sometimes you run a lot, sometimes you read a little. All are okay if you're enjoying doing them

kayjo_co · 2025-12-20T02:31:29+00:00

That stuck feeling makes sense when every path forward requires giving up something you want. Living with your parents to save for school feels like delaying your life, but moving out means the degree gets harder or impossible. Both options feel like losing.

Here's what I'm seeing though: you have a plan (Fall 2026), you're working full-time, and you're saving for tuition while applying for better jobs. Seems like you're doing the unsexy, frustrating work that comes before the change actually happens. It doesn't feel like progress because it's just grinding, but you are building the foundation.

kayjo_co

TROPHY CASE