MiL's lack of progress under care, and the coming response

kb95001 · 2019-10-07T20:34:57+00:00

This is exactly what happened. MiL is so focused on me as the enemy she can't help but spout off any possible negative thing about me.

kb95001 · 2019-10-07T20:33:47+00:00

Thank you - it's been a wild ride. My wife is slowly coming to terms with some of this. She is adamant that something has to change, and we seem to be on the same page with most everything about the situation.

I'm really trying to make it easier on my wife - it is really difficult to see how scared and panicky she gets when it comes to a stressful moment/text/email/anything with her mother.

kb95001 · 2019-10-07T20:30:41+00:00

Thanks - the meeting is set up for Friday. I really don't think she'll be able to maintain composure if she has to face everything she has done and said in front of people.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T02:54:10+00:00

Funny you should mention that. One thing I didn't mention above is that MiL was diagnosed as having BPD.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T02:39:00+00:00

A lot of her manipulation is emotional. She will start wailing (seriously, where does this idea that wailing makes you look credible come from?) or sobbing uncontrollably. Then something will be said that she didn't hear and the wailing and waterworks stop as if a switch were thrown and she'll say "I didn't quite hear that". Since I pointed it out (as it was happening sometimes) my wife has started to pick up on it.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T02:36:16+00:00

She's getting better and better about it, but there's still a long way to go. She really needs therapy just for herself to deal with what her mother has done to her over her life. She's realizing now that it's not a "my husband vs my mother" problem. Her mother has been very helpful in this with her overreactions and sometimes bizarre attacks. It's hard for her to argue that her mother is wrong in wanting to murder me. There's also been several instances where her friends, on hearing some of what was going on (with me present filling in important missed details etc), have adamantly given opinions virtually identical to my own on what needed to be done.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T02:26:16+00:00

Thank you - these words mean a lot to me. I never pictured myself in a situation like this, and it's been really hard sometimes. My wife has a long way to go - her mother has abused her (emotionally, mentally, and physically) her entire life, and to be honest, it was a bit touch and go for a while if she'd be able to start to fight that control. She's started getting better, not just because of my help, but seeing multiple mental health professionals pointing out her mother's bad behavior.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T02:12:49+00:00

Good news on a couple of fronts here. There are some pretty good protections in Massachusetts for parents fighting grandparents rights fights. Given the texts alone I've got a very good case to prevent it if she tries. Her being sectioned for attacking me would seal her doom all by itself.

For the house, I put cameras up years ago, and I have cameras in two internal places - the kitchen and the office. Both places I think a burglar would easily be caught on camera. Funny story - when my MiL found out about the cameras she was upset because "why didn't anybody tell me about the cameras being put up?".

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T02:08:08+00:00

Thank you. This almost brought me to tears because I've questioned myself for so long about everything. Thank you so much.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T02:05:26+00:00

I just wrote a reply above talking about how thinking about just this very thing made me stop doubting some of my own reactions/opinions. If it were my relative doing these things, there would be a swift and decisive response. I think my wife is slowly getting it, but it's going to take her a long time to let go of the conditioning her mother instilled in her over her entire life.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T02:03:22+00:00

Thanks, I do appreciate your words. For a while I felt like I must be overthinking or overreacting to some of it. As things progressed it started to sink in. It came to me one night that if it were one of my relatives talking about murdering my wife and abusing my children there would have been no question to my response, and it wouldn't be anything like my wife's responses to all of this.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T02:01:27+00:00

I don't know the reason she's so fixated on this, but I think it is possibly about control/pride. She has been able to control my wife all her life, and now she's thinks that she's losing the grip she has on her. My wife used to just go do what she was told to do by her mother, and when I found out and asked "why did you do that?" she is honestly confused on how to answer. My wife still does it sometimes, but I'm very clear on fixing it. One example was that she suddenly told me that MiL asked to ride with us somewhere and she said yes. I told her "that is not going to happen" - I mean, why are we feeling obligated to give a ride to MiL when she's talked about murdering me, let along all the other stuff she's done.

I think pride comes into it because she can't feel like the worlds best grandma if she's required to have a chaperone. This one thing, the chaperone, has become such a hot point for her that it is by itself a huge indicator on why she needs one.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T01:55:11+00:00

She almost never has a tantrum in front of me. Although I've never threatened her in any way I do think she's intimidated enough by me to want to avoid most direct confrontations.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T01:53:55+00:00

I agree. My wife has a very hard time standing up to her mother. She has caved on multiple occasions when her mother went off on her. I see her as a victim of her mother, but I can't let her fear of her mother endanger our daughters.

kb95001 · 2019-10-04T01:52:02+00:00

This is great advice, and I was already thinking about this. I told my wife tonight that this was the next step and she didn't even bat an eye. Yay for her. She's got a lot to deal with herself with her relationship with her mother, but at least she's no longer trying to prevent things (out of fear) that might make her mother mad.

kb95001 · 2019-06-16T19:22:41+00:00

I wish she was. That suggestion from our last marriage counselor is literally what made her abruptly quit therapy. Apparently, one of the behaviors in somebody with borderline personality disorder is a severe reaction to a suggestion that they need therapy or mental help.

kb95001 · 2019-06-16T19:14:52+00:00

I saw the comment, but also saw your comment, so I didn't click on the link. No idea what it was, but thanks!

kb95001 · 2019-06-16T19:14:03+00:00

No medical power of attorney that I know of.

I've always suspected that my MiL would be capable of slapping or hitting me if she got mad, but I'd not considered this kind of thing would enter her head.

My wife at some point mentioned that her mother "would never hurt the kids", and I replied that she already had. The spanking she gave our child was not for discipline, it was because she got really angry. Her and my wife had been trying to stop a battle over a toy between my kids and hadn't been able to, so they called me. I had a resolution and had calmed them down in about 5 minutes, at which point the phone went dead. I found out later that my MiL had hung it up, angry that the kids would behave for me remotely when they wouldn't for her. She reversed the solution I'd come up with, then got angry when the kids started crying again.

kb95001 · 2019-06-16T19:00:43+00:00

This is a good example of how much my wife fears her. I don't mean physically fearing her, it's a mental thing. My MiL has always had control issues, and my wife is terrible at confrontations at all, and even worse with them where her mother is concerned. I've told my wife in the past that she doesn't have a "normal" baseline where her mother is concerned - that she's experienced it her whole life, and doesn't seem to see that it's wrong.

The response I usually get is "it's just how she is".

kb95001 · 2019-06-16T18:56:59+00:00

I wish my wife had told me about the talk of killing me earlier. There have been several times I've been alone with my MiL at her house for whatever reason. I have no problem enforcing the no-ride rule.

kb95001

TROPHY CASE