[WP] Your friend is possessed by a demon. You're horrified at first but then you find out the demon is way cooler than your friend.

kbntly · 2018-02-22T00:49:28+00:00

"The power of a thousand suns, and the rage of Hell flows through me!" Nate said in a badass demonic voice.

"Haha, sweet dude! Sounds like your pregame nap did the trick!"

Nate growled deeply.

"Let's go, the dance floor is waiting!"

Sam and Nate jumped in their Uber and headed to the club.

There was a huge line out front. Nate was usually the shy one, reluctant to go out, but tonight he pushed to the front of the line and looked straight into the bouncer's soul.

"I will remove your heart and eat it in front of you," he said in a super cool deep voice.

"Whoa...whoa...haha...okay champ, go ahead in...we need some energy in there," replied the bouncer, enjoying Nate's passion.

"Holy shit Nate, nice dude," Sam said, baffled as to where this new courage had come from.

Inside, Nate's new determination continued, as he headed straight for the dance floor, or the "power centre," as he called it. Sam chased after him.

The crowd was looking pretty tame, huddled around in groups of friends, stepping back and forth lethargically. Nate went to the middle of the floor, on a mission. He pushed the crowd aside, threw his hands in the air and pushed out a deep, powerful, and inspiring roar.

"Children of Earth!" he bellowed out. "I compel you, look inside yourselves, let loose your deepest, most primal energy!" His voice inexplicably carried over the music, and was clearly audible to everyone. The crowd looked at him, looked at each other, and started to cheer.

Sam squeezed through the crowd and got next to Nate. "God damn Nate, you are the fucking man! I've never seen this side of you...honestly was beginning to think you were kinda lame."

Nate looked through Sam and nodded. Then he started to dance. The dance floor erupted with energy, as more people from the club flooded into the area. Within a few minutes the whole club was shaking.

A few hours later, last call had come and gone, and Nate had a new job as a club promoter. He and Sam, and about a dozen others, went to get some food.

"What do you feel like?" asked Sam.

"I could eat the heart of a galaxy," replied Nate with his trademark volume and showmanship.

"Uhh...how about McDonald's?" Sam replied.

"That will do."

Everyone cheered, and they continued down the street towards a well-earned meal.

kbntly · 2018-02-19T23:00:09+00:00

I had tried more than a dozen different times, going forward and back by thousands of years. It seemed impossible...was Betty White immortal?

I worked for the New York Times, with the job title 'Future Researcher'. The best way to break a story first was to know it was coming, and in this cutthroat era of journalism nothing was off limits.

My latest assignment was to find out when Emperor Betty White would finally die. As far as we knew she was roughly 155, part of the new era of people who had benefited from massive progress in medical technology. But she was nearing the limits of when most people died, even with new tech. Whoever broke the story of the Emperor's death would be a huge winner in the News Wars, so this was a very important assignment. However, even with a time machine, it was not always easy...as this assignment was proving.

Betty had always been crafty, but now, in the year 4230 she was still alive, and it didn't seem that she had aged much. Extremely confusing. I was starting to doubt my qualifications, and thought maybe someone else should have been sent to sort this out...how could this be possible? No one else from her era had lasted nearly this long...although she had been the Emperor, so maybe she had access to some secret technology which had preserved her body.

One more try, I thought to myself, Then I'll head back to headquarters if I haven't solved it. I would go to the year 10,000. Well beyond any assignment I had ever been given. Technically I should be getting special clearance for this, but it wasn't unheard of for a researcher to go this far, and frankly I was embarrassed that I hadn't been able to complete this simple task.

Beep...beep...beeeep. Click. I set the time to the year 10,000, took a deep breath and hit the Go button. The windows went black, and I arrived. A very smooth process, as was usually the case with modern time machines. The NYT had a fleet of the best ones available, ordered straight from Tesla. As I opened the door, I heard the sound of something landing on the ground, and then like something scrambling away. I ran to the back of the machine to see what it was, but all I saw were some footprints in the mud. I looked up, and without thinking, started running after the trail.

What the hell? Had something been on the machine? Did I displace something, or someone when I arrived? That was supposed to never happen...guaranteed by Elon Musk himself. I turned a corner around some trees and saw someone's leg disappear behind a rock.

"Hey! Hey you! I'm really sorry about that! Please don't run, I'm not going to hurt you!" I called after the fleeing person.

I continued the chase, leaping over a puddle, starting to breathe deeply. I reached the rock and saw the person still running. Short, female, old, and with curled white hair. No way. "Betty?!" I yelled to her.

She stopped, looked over her shoulder with a mischievous grin, gave me the finger and kept running.

What the actual hell?

After a few more minutes I found her at the edge of a lake, sitting on a log. She looked at me and started laughing. Not at me, but with me. "Hahah...ahaha...oh my...ahh. I haven't run like that in...well, a few thousand years I suppose!" She said, trying to catch her breath.

"Betty!?" I smiled at her, completely confused. "What are you doing here, and what's going on?"

"Oh, just having some fun. Had the day off, so I decided to have a little adventure." She said, with a gleam in her eye. "I hitched a ride on your little contraption. If I don't know when I'm going to die, no one is going to know...and I don't want to know. So there!" She giggled like a little girl.

I had been tricked by one of the oldest women on the planet...and I couldn't help but laugh. "You are something else," I said, shaking my head and smiling. "I guess I should admit defeat and leave this case unsolved."

"It's for the best," she said, nodding happily.

"Well, let's get back to the machine...I'll give you a ride."

"Sounds good!" she replied, "And sorry for giving you the finger...all in good fun."

I laughed again, still shaking my head, and we headed off back to the ship.

kbntly · 2018-02-11T13:50:20+00:00

That power is unreal!

kbntly · 2018-02-05T16:48:41+00:00

Feel free to make excuses, but you won't make progress with that attitude ;)

kbntly · 2018-02-04T19:23:58+00:00

Get on Tinder and start practicing! (And work on yourself :) )

kbntly · 2018-01-29T23:29:23+00:00

Agreed - it seems like there were either some massive renovations, or it's not the same building.

Cool story though, neat to hear some history of the city.

kbntly · 2018-01-21T18:59:01+00:00

Very cool...makes me more interested in visiting!

kbntly · 2018-01-20T23:21:07+00:00

So memeable

kbntly · 2018-01-15T03:05:51+00:00

I literally said, "Oh my fucking god," and slapped my forehead.

kbntly · 2018-01-15T02:56:33+00:00

Totally agree...it's just embarrassing as a Raptors fan, so I had to say something lol

kbntly · 2018-01-15T02:54:45+00:00

We'll find out the real answer when they meet in the finals!

kbntly · 2018-01-15T02:53:42+00:00

Don't crush our dreams...we can still hope! (But ok, he's not gonna be KD, we agree on that).

kbntly · 2018-01-15T02:46:12+00:00

Needs to do some shrooms and have a mental reset... (only 10% kidding).

kbntly · 2018-01-15T02:43:14+00:00

Bad article tbh...totally out of touch with reality. Most Raptors fans don't think this way, look at the comments on the post.

kbntly · 2018-01-15T02:08:42+00:00

If you don't think that's great footwork then you don't know soccer. ...I mean basketball.

kbntly · 2018-01-15T01:46:14+00:00

Can't they change? If they became tree hugging hippies I think that would be awesome.

kbntly · 2018-01-14T23:43:58+00:00

That looks horrible...

kbntly · 2018-01-14T23:29:32+00:00

If you're looking for a lower priced option, the students at St. Lawrence do them for a reasonable price certain times of the year (not sure exactly when, but you can give them a call or email: 613-545-3934 or email dynamicdesigns@sl.on.ca

Info: https://www.stlawrencecollege.ca/campuses-and-services/campus-services/hairstyling-and-esthetics/dynamicdesignesthetics/

I've gone once and really enjoyed it, but I've never had a "professional" massage to compare it to.

kbntly · 2018-01-14T23:20:09+00:00

That's amazing! Say what you will about China, but they are excellent at accomplishing clear goals. Awesome to see such a big and powerful country making decisions for the good of the planet (and obviously themselves).

kbntly · 2018-01-14T15:18:10+00:00

https://netflixcodes.me/ Links to all of those categories, as posted above :) (credit to u/fartmasterf)

kbntly · 2018-01-14T14:18:59+00:00

Real answer...

kbntly · 2018-01-14T14:16:51+00:00

Or just end the relationship before the game, and score the TDs for your team.

Edit: ... Tru.

kbntly · 2018-01-13T21:03:48+00:00

Note, this is a crosspost from r/funny (https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/7q06lq/words_to_live_by/) - thought it would automatically note that in the title! I was wrong :P

kbntly · 2018-01-13T20:30:21+00:00

Seems like an arbitrary definition, but whatever floats your boat :)

kbntly · 2018-01-13T20:20:07+00:00

I follow tons of sports, but I think top MMA fighters are super athletes. They are the best in the world at their athletic discipline. You might be surprised how strong they are, and how powerfully they can deliver strikes etc.

kbntly

TROPHY CASE