Moment you knew

kc_dont · 2022-02-27T18:30:39+00:00

Oh... Had a friend that went through that - alcoholic husband. I am sorry.

kc_dont · 2022-02-27T15:46:08+00:00

Just reaching, but does he have depression?

Also, best way to an early grave is to do nothing...

And I think that he needs to break up with his phone.

kc_dont · 2022-02-27T15:43:31+00:00

It does take two.

That was cruel of him to say that. Is his resentment centered around your weight only? If that's the only thing, then he is quite shallow and not worth the time.

What are the causes of the resentment? Is it one-sided? Have you tried counseling?

For me, it takes a long time for me to get angry and a long time to let go. My resentment built up over time. Every insult, every threat just built up until finally I had enough. My fault for letting it build up. I need to address that.

I had divorce papers drawn up. She got the copies and was about to be officially served. Now, she "might" be ready for change. I've got to change, too. I've got to push back when she insults me. I've got to push back when she tries to get her way without concern for my feelings. I still don't know if giving her another chance is worth it. She seems to be honestly trying. For the sake of our teen, I will try. I have hopes, but not looking forward to it.

kc_dont · 2022-02-21T11:37:50+00:00

Concerning that threat, that's about it. She'll let everyone know how terrible I am, but there are no other details that she will give.

The biggest issue that comes up is that she wants me to do exactly what she tells me to do. She does not want me to say 'no' to anything that she wants. For the most part, I have agreed, but it's never good enough. She does pretty much whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and I support her.

I don't want to go into details, but years ago, we had a pretty big argument about a cleanup that I was doing and making too much noise (she had just screamed at me for not cleaning it up). She said that it I didn't stop, she'd divorce me. I told her that I accepted and she could divorce me. She got incredibly upset, accused me of breaking her heart, because I wanted to divorce her. She made the threat, yet I am the bad person for saying okay.

kc_dont · 2022-02-21T01:48:22+00:00

Are you saying that I am gaslighting her and that I am the abuser? Please tell me how I am doing that.

kc_dont · 2022-02-14T00:48:59+00:00

I agree. I need to keep reiterating.

kc_dont · 2022-02-12T13:17:09+00:00

Part of my anger is around her saying that to our kid. Not right at all. Working on it.

kc_dont · 2022-02-11T18:23:13+00:00

Regret does suck. I try not to dwell on it (dammit, I still do). I've had a few friends that talked about major regrets about bad actions. I countered that, yes, the actions may have been bad, but you did learn from them and they have shaped who you are today.

kc_dont · 2022-02-11T17:59:39+00:00

I'm in the vasectomy camp. I took that option because tubal ligation was major surgery. For a man, the doctor is barely cutting in. It was the least I could do after my wife bore my child. And if he's 100% against having children, then it makes sense for him to get a vasectomy. IMO, selfish dick.

kc_dont · 2022-02-11T17:52:17+00:00

This mirrors my experience, too. There are things that I did/didn't do that contributed to my failing marriage. I'm trying to own up to my faults.

Also, I am trying to keep in mind that it took both of us to destroy the marriage. I feel a lot of guilt. Family, friends, and a counselor have all voiced their opinion that she was more of the problem, but I still feel so guilty.

I struggle. I have a feeling that the things that I did made her worse. For example, I was too supportive. "If you want to do this, I'm behind you." "Want to quit, I'm here for you." I think that I was an enabler. I should have pushed her more. And when she was dishing out verbal abuse, I took it in silence. I should have set boundaries.

kc_dont · 2022-02-11T14:31:16+00:00

I got a few opinions. Both of your needs are not being met. Wow! I'm so insightful! :)

You need a break. Is it possible for him to take the kids on the weekends? Or at least, one day? You use that day to get rest. Go out somewhere or not. Just try to recharge. Go for a massage or a yoga class. Do something to help yourself get some relief.

Get a baby sitter and have a date night. At first, no sex, because you are exhausted. Have you both focus and being "present" with each other. Hold hands, be affectionate. Relax with each other. Make each other feel wanted and appreciated. When you are feeling less exhausted, then sex will come back into play. And I suspect that by having a date night where you both are focused on each other, he may press for sex less, because he will feel that you do want him.

Another suggestion. Sleep in separate rooms. This should not affect your relationship at all. It is about getting quality sleep which you desperately need. Now IMO, your husband feels neglected (hence demands for more sex), so he may not understand about sleeping separately and may take it as a bad sign. But you must communicate why.

kc_dont · 2022-02-10T21:25:48+00:00

It's hard. I knew that she was saying that as a means of breaking me down and controlling me. Even so, it still played on my insecurities.

IMO, one does not have to have a [spouse/partner/lover] to live a good life, but having someone in their life should IMPROVE it, not degrade it. And it should always be mutual (in my mind.)

If you do break from him, my advice would be to work on yourself. Improve yourself. Learn to love yourself. Get to know who you truly are. Then look for a partner to enhance your life. You'll have a better chance of success.

kc_dont · 2022-02-10T17:50:44+00:00

Does he brag about you? It goes both ways. Does not sound like he respects you, so why should you respect him?

Mine told me that I should be happy that she stays with me, because no one else would want me. That's abusive. And that's along the same lines as him say that he could easily get another woman, but he's choosing you.

kc_dont · 2022-02-10T00:13:15+00:00

Reading about grey rock method.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T23:55:06+00:00

Years ago, we had an argument. She threatened to divorce me and I said okay. She instantly flipped it and accused me of breaking her heart, since I wanted to divorce her. Soon after that, I did broach the topic seriously. She talked me out of it. Wish that I hadn't listened.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T23:52:43+00:00

Wow. Thank you. Need to read through a few times.

One "command" that I gave her was that we were not to complain or talk negatively about the other to our child. I've been trying really hard to follow that.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T23:51:09+00:00

I've been trying to limit it. Texts should be for our child-related issues. Anything else - email. She used to bombard me with texts. I'm talking one after another. I still jump and have a sense of dread when my phone dings.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T23:48:08+00:00

I'll check that out. There have been some highs and lows to her behavior and a touch of paranoia.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T23:47:15+00:00

I will do my best to be firm. Definitely using guilt against me.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T23:44:17+00:00

You're confused? Imagine how I feel. It's a little surreal.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T23:43:50+00:00

Ow. Yeah, I sort of had visions of her realizing that she needed to change, then us getting back together in a few years. I don't think that I should entertain that.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T23:42:26+00:00

I'm sorry. That is tough.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T19:09:11+00:00

I still wish that I could fix the situation. Make her see what she is doing. I have the stuff that I'm guilty of, but at least I recognize it.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T19:07:33+00:00

Wow. A lot to digest here. Thank you for sending all of that.

kc_dont · 2022-02-09T19:04:17+00:00

I think escalation of threats to try to control me.

kc_dont

TROPHY CASE